What the hell are Caroline’s shoes, honestly.
Previously on the Boy/Girl Battle Series: These kids are obsessed with underwear. I was going to say “weirdly,” but then I remembered my own middle school years, and…it’s not that weird. Eddie and Jake’s baseball season is finally over and God willing, I never have to hear about how their only character traits are liking baseball ever again.
The kids are almost out of school for the summer. Caroline is in a mood, because she’s found out that Buckman has a Strawberry Parade every summer, and naturally the parade has a Strawberry Queen, and naturally Caroline thinks that queen should be her. Eddie and Beth quickly pop her bubble and point out that the queen has to be a legal adult, and also gets chosen for being a good person and doing community service and shit. Caroline decides that if she can’t be the queen, she can still finagle her way into the parade as a lady-in-waiting or something, so she decides to be really nice to everyone so that they’ll help with her campaign.
Her sisters immediately call her out for being fake nice, and tell her to go bug the Hatfords. Caroline’s like, “Excellent idea!” The next day, she walks next to Peter — who’s trying to walk the whole way to school with his eyes closed — and tries to bribe him into voting for her by promising to bake him cookies and be super nice and helpful all the time. Caroline’s like, “If there is actually a vote for who gets to be in the Strawberry Parade. I don’t actually know.” Heh. Then Peter nearly trips over a curb and Wally has to catch him, and he’s like, “Way to help, Caroline.” Caroline sighs that Wally probably won’t vote for her.
They go to class, and Wally is all hype that he only has to suffer sitting in front of Caroline for another two weeks, and then the Malloys will either move away, or he can pick a new seat far away from her next year. Miss Applebaum tells the class that the town hospital is raising money to build a children’s wing, and Wally hilariously thinks: [He] knew that raising money wasn’t quite the same as raising corn or lima beans, and certainly nothing like raising a puppy. Oh, no! he thought. They’re not going to get their hands on my piggy bank! Damn, Wally, the money is for the children! I bet he voted for Mitt Romney in 2012.
Anyway, any kid who donates more than twenty dollars for the children’s wing will either get a bunch of strawberry food, or they can have a place in the parade. Wow, it looks like Caroline can just buy her way into the parade, and doesn’t have to bother being nice to anyone at all! Wally wonders how he’ll earn the money, as all the students in the school will be out competing for donations and jobs from the town. Okay, this is probably going to reveal me as a spoiled city kid, but I totally would’ve just asked my parents for twenty dollars. At the very least they probably would’ve sold some of my books or clothes for $20 and given the money to me. Like…who has time to go mow lawns and shit? Although in my defense, very few people where I’m from have lawns. Some people have like…patches of grass between their driveways?
Whatever. Caroline pokes Wally and brags to him that she’s definitely going to choose to be in the parade. She might even be the Strawberry Queen! And Wally can be her king, if he wants. Wally’s like, “You have cooties, and also, I bet you won’t even get to be one of the strawberry servants, so THERE.” Miss Applebaum busts them for talking, and all the boys laugh at Wally for having a conversation with a giiiiirl.
The boys go home, and Mrs. Hatford asks Wally what he’s planning to do to earn money. Wally watches Peter pick his nose and snarks, “I was thinking of selling Peter, but I doubt anyone would pay twenty dollars for him.” Heh. Spoken like a real older sibling.
The boys get together and try to come up with a way to earn money. They’d better earn a lot of money, given that they’re gonna have to split it four ways. They decide not to let the girls in on whatever scheme they come up with — partially because they think the girls will make them do embarrassing shit. Josh says they’ll probably put on a play and charge everyone a dollar to watch the Hatfords act dumb. Hey, but I bet that would make plenty of money. They also partially don’t want to get any more attached to the Malloys, as they’re convinced that the Bensons will come back and they can’t hang out with the girls any more, even if the Malloys don’t leave Buckman. Why, is there a limit on how many of you guys can hang out at once? The boys bluster that the girls have to learn to get along without them. It’s kind of cute because they’re clearly trying to convince themselves that they’ll be fine if the girls leave.
Anyway, Jake immediately proposes that they have a competition with a girls to see who can earn the money first. Uh…statistically, probably the girls? They only have to earn $60, and the boys have to earn $80.
Over at the Malloys’ house, they plot ways to earn money. Beth is going to have bake sales, Eddie’s going to offer to do physical labor because her only defining trait is being a tomboy, and Caroline is going to perform at birthday parties. They’re like, “Okay, but you better get a move on, because how many birthdays can there be in the next few weeks?” Right? Come on, Caroline. The girls don’t want to work with the boys, as the figure the boys will make them do everything and then take the credit and the money, as men have been doing for generations. Beth adds that they have to get used to hanging out with girls again, as most of their friends back in Ohio were girls. “Do you realize we’ve spent practically this whole year just hanging out with the Hatfords?” Hee.
They ask their mother if she knows if they’re staying, and she says their father is still trying to make up his mind, as he’s gotten an offer to coach the high school football team. Well, damn, make up your mind, dude! You only have a few months! And, what, has someone just been holding their house in Ohio for them? Don’t they have to find a place to live if they move back, too? Or if they decide to stay, wouldn’t they have to sell their Ohio house? The Malloys are a disaster. The girls emo that they’ve really had a lot of fun with the Hatfords over the past year, but then they’re like, “Ew, cooties,” and decide that they won’t miss them after all.
Caroline makes a sign advertising her birthday party services and goes over to the library to put it up on the community board. [She was] feeling so noble and generous and kind and wonderful that she removed three other announcements to make room for her own. Heh. On her way out, she runs into Wally, who tells her that the Bensons are moving back. He’s all smug that the Malloys will have to leave, and Caroline snipes at him that her dad might be the high school football coach, so they might be staying after all. That wipes the smile right off of Wally’s face.
Wally runs home to tell his brothers that the Malloys might be staying in Buckman after all. Jake panics that he wants to try out for the football team in high school, but if Mr. Malloy is the coach, he’ll probably bench Jake every game as punishment for being mean to his daughters. Wally wails that the girls are probably going to stay and get married and give birth to another generation of girls who will torture them. “Maybe they’ll even marry our best friends!” he says. Don’t be ridiculous, Wally, you and Caroline are definitely getting married at this rate. Probably Jake and Eddie, too. Beth and Josh might date for a while, but they’re too intense and would probably crash and burn by junior year of high school, and then Beth would change her personality by senior year and go off to college out-of-state where no one would ever know how nerdy she used to be. Anyway.
The Hatfords have dinner, and the parents note that Wally doesn’t sound too excited about summer vacation coming up. For some reason, Mr. Hatford thinks that it’s because Wally’s going to miss his teacher. What kid in the history of ever has missed their teacher over summer break?
Caroline tells her sisters that the Bensons are coming back, but everyone is remarkably chill about it. Then she finally gets a call hiring her to perform at a birthday party in a few days. Caroline goes over after school and does a one-woman “Hansel and Gretel.” The kids are surprisingly into it, I guess because Buckman is located on some kind of time-warp Hellmouth where they have email but no TV or YouTube to offer them better entertainment. Caroline is pleased that it’s going well, until about halfway through, someone starts mowing the lawn next door and ruining her performance. She looks over, and naturally it’s the Hatfords. The party guests tell them to wait until the story is over, so now the Hatfords are watching Caroline perform, too. As anyone who’s dealt with kids knows, once you lose their attention, it’s lost for good, and she can’t get them to pay attention to her again. The kids start fighting, and one girl runs onto the “stage” and pushes Caroline. The Hatfords laugh, and Caroline is salty about the indignity of it all. This never happened to Angela Lansbury!
The boys, meanwhile, are having no luck making money. Jake got some money for mowing that one lawn, but every kid in town is out offering to mow lawns, wash windows, etc., and the Hatfords can’t think of anything to do. Josh decides to go sell some of his drawings downtown, and Mr. Hatford suggests that Wally shine shoes. Wally figures it’s an idea, which is more than he’s come up with so far, and takes his dad’s shoeshine kit downtown. As they walk, he waxes on about how Miss Applebaum is spending the last couple days of school reading Hatchet out loud to them. Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, you already name-dropped Hatchet in the last book. You can’t do it again. Also, I hated Hatchet. It’s one of those Newbery-winning books that was on every library and hallway display when I was in elementary school, and it’s aggressively depressing and there are no girls in it. Get better taste, Wally.
Anyway, Peter basically goes and stands on the street corner and asks everyone who walks by for money, and they give it to him because he’s a cute seven-year-old. No one buys Josh’s drawings, and Wally realizes that everyone walking by is wearing sneakers and doesn’t need their shoes shined. In fairness to Wally, I can see why he might’ve thought he was living in the 1950s in this town.
Finally he gets a customer, but he doesn’t have shoe polish that matches the guy’s shoes. He messes up, and the guy gets mad at him for ruining his shoes. I mean, dude, you’re the one who let a nine-year-old shine your shoes. The guy doesn’t pay Wally, and only like two people buy Josh’s drawings. Man, the people in this town are stingy as fuck. Just give the elementary schoolers some money, damn.
Meanwhile, the girls aren’t making any money either, since all the other students are out selling cookies and doing odd jobs, too. I like how the school apparently didn’t consider that they were sending out three hundred kids to compete for jobs in a small town. It would be funny if none of the kids made $20 and there was nobody in the parade and the town had to deal with the consequences of their shitty planning.
Finally the girls come up with the idea to have a car wash, for $4 per car. They actually get quite a bit of business, although they leave someone’s window open a crack and some water gets in his car. The guy tells them, “For four dollars, you need to do a better job.” Oh my God, the people in this town are so cheap. The girls get so much business that they can’t handle it, and people start yelling at them to hurry up. Seriously, why do people in this town expect professional quality service from a bunch of middle schoolers? The Buckman residents ought to be studied. The girls eventually realize they need help, and they call the Hatfords. Well, they send Caroline to do it, which means that she just wails, “HELP!” into the phone and hangs up.
At Casa Hatford, the boys get Caroline’s call and debate the merits of going over to see what’s happening. They’re like, “On the one hand, she could be in trouble. On the other hand, she could be faking her death again.” Peter thinks she’s fallen into the river again. “Sure, she’s calling from the river. Right!” said Josh. Heh. They decide to risk it and go over there. The girls ask them to help with their car wash, and offer to split the money. The boys agree. So if each kid has to make $20, they have to make $140 all together. At $4 per car, they’d have to wash 35 cars. So…good luck, guys.
Nevertheless, business is booming. Wally gets sent out to direct traffic while the rest of the kids do the actual washing, and he’s amazed that he actually got the non-shitty job this time. Except then a bunch of fifth- and sixth-grade boys come up to him and accuse him of stealing their business, and threaten to “clean [his] clock.” So it sucks to be Wally, after all! Wally tries to pin the blame on Eddie, but they snap that they don’t want to deal with Eddie, they want to fight him. Heh. I bet they’re afraid of her. The older boys say that they’re charging five to six dollars for a car cleaning, and the Hatfords/Malloys are putting them out of business. Welcome to the gritty world of capitalism, guys! Considering the town Buckman is based on has gone Republican in every election since the ’60s, you’d think they’d be more familiar with the free market.
Wally runs to tattle to his siblings, and Jake and Eddie are like, “So just tell them to back off.” Easy for the jocks to say. Wally goes back to directing traffic and wonder[s] what a broken nose felt like. Eventually the older boys come back, but the rest of the Hatfords and Malloys intervene at the last second and chase them off. They finish the day with enough money to split four dollars each way, and Eddie chirps that if they wash cars the next weekend, too, they’ll be able to hit the $20 goal. What? If next weekend goes the same as this one, each of you will only have $8. I’m confused.
Miss Applebaum gives the kids a final assignment for the last week of school. They’re still learning? By the last week of school, my teachers were making us clean the classroom. I still get war flashbacks whenever I smell 409 cleaner. The class has finally finished reading Hatchet — was Gary Paulsen paying for product placement or something? — and Miss Applebaum asks them to write a short paper about what they would do if they were stranded in the wilderness. They can do it with a partner if they want, and naturally Caroline immediately wants to be Wally’s partner. He shoots her down, so she has to do her project alone. She writes about what she would do if she were stranded in the Australian outback, and has a slightly racist fantasy about being found by an Aboriginal tribe and entertaining them with her acting so much that they tell the outside world about her.
Josh and Jake whine to all the kids that they have to clean the school because the sixth-graders are the oldest. Caroline is surprised that they don’t get a graduation ceremony, as am I. I don’t know, do elementary schools have graduation ceremonies? I went to a K-8 school, so I never really “graduated” to middle school. Anyway, the Hatfords are in a good mood, so they invite the girls over to have lemonade. While they’re there, Mrs. Hatford calls and tells Wally to give Mrs. Malloy the neighbors’ key if she stops by, because the Malloys are thinking of renting the house next door if they stay in Buckman. The boys lose their shit after the girls leave, and panic that the Malloys will be closer than ever. They’ll be able to see into their house and figure out when one of them is going to the bathroom! That’s the most middle school concern ever and it cracks me up.
The boys decide that they have to make the Malloys not want to rent the house. Jake finds an insect-bitten piece of wood and plans to make the Malloys think the house is infested with termites. Wally for once feels kind of bad about lying to the girls, and Jake’s like, “It’s for the greater good!” (The greater good!)
The girls are no more thrilled about this than the boys, and they panic to their mom that they can’t live next door to BOYS. “I have never seen you girls get as dramatic as when the Hatfords are mentioned,” Mrs. Malloy said. “One would almost think they were your boyfriends.” Ha! Call them out, Mrs. Malloy. The boys come over and show the wood to Mr. Malloy, and try to act sly about how they just happen to be painting the neighbors’ house, and they want some advice on how to paint over termite-infested wood. Eddie busts them, though, and points out to her sisters that the paint on the wood is green, and the neighbors’ house is yellow. Eddie would make such a good girl detective. I’d read that book.
Meanwhile, Wally’s trying to pick a place to research for his Hatchet project. He keeps envisioning Caroline in every place that he chooses, and panics that if he picks a place too close to her, all the boys will tease him about being stranded with Caroline. Hee. He decides to make her think that he’s going to pick the Arctic, but he’s really going to pick a Pacific island. Then Beth calls and tells Peter that she and her sisters are coming over to look at the next door house and pick out their bedrooms. The boys wail that the girls didn’t fall for their termite trick, so they’re going to have to up the ante. Jake calls a pest control company and arranges for them to do an inspection when the girls are over.
Caroline’s totally figured out that Wally’s just pretending to pick the Arctic, and knows that he’s going to do his project on an island instead. She thinks that she wasn’t even going to bother annoying him about this project, but now that he’s going to such lengths to hide it from her, she might switch to doing her project on an island, too, just to punish him.
The girls go over to the house next door, and the woman who owns the house is quite excited and gracious about letting them poke around upstairs. Caroline brings a pair of binoculars to spy on the boys with, although she still can’t see them, because they’re hiding. In the toolshed, as it turns out when we go to Wally’s POV. Because it worked out so well that time they locked Caroline in there? They breathe a sigh of relief when the exterminator leaves, but then he comes back while they’re eating dinner. The Hatford parents quickly cotton on that the boys were trying to make the girls think that the house was infested with termites so they wouldn’t move in, and they yell at them.
Both the boys and girls are in trouble — the girls because the Malloys decided not to rent the house next door after all, and the owners are mad that the girls got their hopes up again. The boys and girls commiserate together, and resolve to just forget about if the girls are staying or not, and focus on making the rest of the fundraising money. Caroline is in a pretty good mood, until her dad mentions that he can’t find his binoculars, and she realizes she left them at the house next door.
Luckily for Caroline, nobody in this damn town locks their doors. If I were a worse person, I would become a traveling burglar and tear through small town America, stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down. She manages to sneak into the house and retrieve the binoculars. The husband of the house catches her, but he’s like, “You were totally trying to see the neighbor boys in their underwear, weren’t you?” He’s all, “Kids will be kids!” and lets her go without yelling at her. Wally catches Caroline coming out of the house with the binoculars, and needles her that she was probably trying to spy on him. She snaps that he’s too boring to spy on, and Wally snaps that being stranded on an island with her would also be boring. Caroline is all offended that he called her boring, and decides to embarrass him in front of the class.
The next day, everyone has to give their Hatchet reports. Caroline volunteers to go first, and talks about surviving in the Australian outback. Then she tacks on at the end that she built a raft and sailed to a Pacific island, “where I found Wally Hatford, and together we lived out our lives in peace and harmony.” As Wally predicted, everyone laughs at him for being stranded on an island with a giiiiiirl, Blue Lagoon-style. He gets his revenge, though, when he gives his report and ends it with, “One day I looked out and saw a girl sailing toward shore on a homemade raft. I could tell by the way she acted that she was crazy, so before she could reach my camp, I packed up and moved to the other side of the island and I never saw her again. The end.”
Everyone’s laughing at Caroline now, and Miss Applebaum remarks that Caroline probably should’ve quit while she was ahead. Wally is pleased that the school year is ending with him one-upping Caroline.
The next day, the Hatfords and Malloys open up their car wash again. Within like two hours, they’ve earned all the money they need for the fundraiser. They end up having a water balloon fight when business gets slow and spraying each other with the hose. What a throwback to the first book. Then the douchey fifth- and sixth-graders show up again, and Wally’s afraid they’re going to beat him up. The Hatfords and Malloys point out that they’ve already made their $20, and offer to let the older boys take over the car wash business. And that’s that whole plot resolved.
The kids turn in their money and get to state their float preference for the parade. Caroline naturally wants to be on the Strawberry Queen’s float, and is all twitterpated when she gets it. Eddie is riding on a float with the college women’s basketball team (because she’s a tOmBoY), and Beth gets to be on the library float, because she’s a nerd. Caroline has to wear a bathing suit, and Eddie begs her not to wear a bikini. Hee. She goes out and buys a ruffly pink swimsuit, and her sisters mock her for looking like a cupcake. When I was like four, I had a pink bathing suit that had a little fake tutu attached to it so I could look like a ballerina. I was just reminded of that now.
The day of the parade comes, and it’s insanely hot. Everyone goes to the parade site, and Caroline is all hype because she thinks she gets to sit on the Strawberry Queen’s throne. Caroline, why would you even think — okay, whatever. But instead, she has to stand inside a giant velveteen strawberry on a ninety-degree day, which she’s miserable about. I don’t blame her. If one of those kids gets heatstroke, that’s the parade organizers’ fault for being dumbasses.
Wally, meanwhile, gets to ride a police horse, and he’s thrilled that he doesn’t have a sucky job for once. I mean, unless some fifth-graders try to beat him up on horseback. With Wally’s luck, it could happen. It doesn’t, though. He notes that there aren’t that many kids who earned enough money to be in the parade, because asking three hundred kids to extract $20 each from the economy of a small town was actually really fucking ridiculous. Anyway, he rides past Caroline, and is like, “Holy shit, she is stuck inside a giant strawberry.” Weirdly, he doesn’t gloat over it or anything, and merely notes that she looks unhappy.
Then the parade grinds to a halt, because the Strawberry Queen has passed out from heat exhaustion. What did I just say? Caroline immediately volunteers to sit on the throne and throw candy, and she gets to be the Strawberry Queen after all. Wally shrugs that you know what? It’s a nice day, he gets to ride a horse, and if Caroline was queen for a day, so what? Aw.
Caroline writes a letter to the Bensons, telling them that they had an awesome time at the parade and it must really suck for the Bensons to be stuck in Georgia. She writes that they still don’t know if they’re staying in Buckman, but even if they don’t, the Bensons will definitely know that the Malloys Have Been There.
THE END.
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