Dude, did you know that these books are apparently called the Boy/Girl Battle Series? I did not know that. And here all this time I’ve been calling them Those Books About Those Boys and Those Girls and That River.
So, summary: there are four Hatford brothers who are BFF with the five (!) Benson brothers who live across the river. But the Bensons have moved for the year (to Georgia) and are renting their house out to a family with three girls, the Malloys (from Ohio). The Hatfords are Not Pleased. And because nobody in this book that matters is over the age of twelve, hilariously juvenile shenanigans ensue.
Also, the cover! It’s a bit difficult to see, but one of the girls (Eddie, I think?) has a hose and is pointing at one of the boys (Jake or Josh? Probably Jake) who is knocking a bucket of water onto another girl (looks like Caroline but is Beth in the actual scene). This is actually a scene from the book, which I think is very exciting.
Breakfast at the Hatfords. Wally — middle child, likes to daydream — is sitting at the table, playing with his waffle. (That sounds kind of dirty? Oh God.) Basically, the square of butter in the middle is an island…and the edges of the pancakes (I thought he was eating a waffle?) are sandbags…and he’s trying to sink (?) the island…by cutting out the little squares…okay, whatever. Wally is weird.
Jake and Josh — oldest children, twins, Josh likes to draw and Jake likes sports — run in and are all excited because they’re here! Who’s they? The “new guys” over in the Bensons’ house! Yes! It will be so exciting to have a bunch of boys around! So much better than smelly girls! So all the boys go up to their roof with binoculars (with youngest brother, Peter — likes to eat) and watch the new family unpack and move in. A bird poops on Wally’s waffle, because if you haven’t figured it out already, Wally is the butt monkey of these books.
And then the family gets out of their cars and all the kids are girls. I bet you didn’t see that coming. (Though for a minute they can’t figure out whether Eddie is a girl or a boy. Hee.) Also, when Jake says Eddie is a boy, Josh shouts “Yea!”…because I guess putting an ‘h’ at the end wasn’t cool in 1993?
So then the boys sit around and sulk about all the things they can’t do now that there are girls across the river. Don’t they have any other friends? At all? In the whole town of Buckman? Come on. Jake, who is either completely lacking in brains or one day will be a criminal mastermind, decides that they should pull pranks on the girls and make them so miserable that they’ll go back to Ohio. He got this idea from a movie called The Gang from Reno (by the way, not a real movie). I mean, I appreciate his creativity, but…there’s not a lot that a bunch of middle schoolers can do drive people out of town? Also it’s not up to the girls anyway? Like — if Jake’s reason for making the girls miserable was just because he’s mad that they aren’t boys, I could totally understand that (though not necessarily get behind it). But he genuinely thinks he can drive them out of town? I was not that stupid at the age of eleven. Or, well, I was stupid, but in an entirely different way.
So they decide to dump dead animals on the Malloys’ side of the river to make them think it’s polluted. I don’t think that’s the conclusion most people would draw, and by the way, do they go around town and…find dead animals and pick them up? It’s never really specified.
On the other side of the river, the Malloy girls have just gotten out of the car. The book sort of hops view points and usually has to double back every time it does. Caroline — the youngest, wants to be an actress — is all excited because there’s a river! Rivers are so dramatic! Caroline immediately falls into a daydream about nearly drowning and how her face would look and she would crawl up onto a rock and swoon and some dude would jump in and save her — this happens a lot, I should add. I imagine that being in Caroline’s head would be like one giant drug trip.
Caroline suggests that there be a movie called Caroline on the River. Eddie — short for Edith Ann, oldest girl, likes sports — says, “The River on Caroline, maybe,” which for some reason cracks me up. Eddie and Caroline are my favorites. Beth — middle child, likes to read — wanders around with a book. Beth is really boring. She was my favorite when I was nine, because I like to read too, but she really doesn’t have any interest in making fun of the boys, which makes her pretty useless in a book series that revolves around their rivalry.
Eddie and Beth notice that the boys are (were?) spying on them, so they “give them something to look at” — they are going to pretend Caroline is dead and bury her at sea. At river. Whatever. And then I got really confused and was like, “Wait, but this is the same day they moved in, surely the Hatfords haven’t managed to dump all the dead animals on the river bank yet,” because I do remember that dead animals came first, dead Caroline later. Urkkk. But — yeah. My timeline is just all messed up.
Four days later, they see the Hatfords dragging the bag along the riverbank, and Beth overhears their dastardly plan. So then two days after that, when they’re sure the boys are looking, they throw Caroline in the river.
Hatfords. They’re watching the girls as usual. On one hand, I sort of wish the kids were older so there could be plenty of hilarious sexual tension. On the other hand, if they were older, all this spying on each other would be…a lot creepier than it is already. Wally is shocked that they would throw Caroline in the river, and all of the boys are convinced she’s dead. I’m not sure why they don’t consider these facts: Caroline was alive and perfectly well a week ago; if she was really sick, someone else in that tiny-ass town would probably know; the Malloy parents aren’t even present for the “burial” — for that matter, they don’t even wonder why, if Caroline is so very dead, they’re dumping her in the river instead of burying her in the cemetery. They just sort of handwave it as, “Maybe that’s how they do things in Ohio.” Ah, yes, the famous Ohio pasttime of throwing dead bodies in rivers.
And then the boys freak themselves out even more because they think they killed her because maybe one of the dead animals had a disease…and Caroline got it…from drinking the river water? As you do? Except, again, Caroline was alive and perfectly well a week ago, and it does not anywhere say that she even went near the river since they put the dead animals there.
On the other hand, this wouldn’t be as funny if they didn’t believe it. So.
The boys go downstairs and contemplate whether or not they’re going to go to jail. Mrs. Hatford comes home and asks them what the new kids across the river are like and if they’re going to make friends and Jake’s like, “Hahahaha NO. They’re all girls,” which sadly makes me long for grammar school again. Ah, to stand on opposite sides of the playground and accuse each other of having cooties. I had to wipe away a tear there. Mrs. Hatford asks how many girls, and Peter says, “Two, now…I mean, three! Yeah, three!” Oh, Peter. I know he’s seven years old, but even I knew how to effectively lie when I was seven. All the kids in this book act about two years younger than they supposedly are.
Mr. Hatford gets home and the boys try to subtly question him on anything interesting that may or may not have occurred at the house across the river…and then Peter asks, “Anybody die?” Why do you talk, Peter? Mr. Hatford says, no, not that he knows of, but has anyone met the Malloys and their three daughters yet? Wally immediately assumes that nobody has found the body and that’s why Mr. Hatford doesn’t know about it. Except given that Mr. Hatford has never even met Mr. Malloy and already knows what he does for a living (coaches college football) and why he moved to Buckman (on a job exchange program to coach said football at Buckman College) and how many kids he has, you would think word about a dead daughter would spread pretty fast. Jesus. And the boys wonder why the girls are always outsmarting them.
Then — I guess it’s suddenly the first day of school, because the Hatfords are getting ready and are all worried about what they’re going to say to the Malloys. And then they get down to the bridge over the river, and Caroline walks out from behind Eddie and Beth.
And Wally’s deduction is that she must be a ghost.
WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB, WALLY?
Malloys. Caroline is pleased that their prank turned out so well. So I guess we’re not going to hear about how she got out of the river, then?
They get to school, and it is here that we find out that Caroline is “precocious” (Phyllis Reynolds Naylor is the one that uses the word every book, not me) and is in fourth grade instead of third, even though she’s only eight. I kind of want to point out that pretty much all the kids are written a bit younger than they supposedly are except Caroline. If I didn’t know, I’d say Caroline was about ten instead of eight. Just thought that was interesting.
Anyway, guess who else is in fourth grade? Wally Hatford. Caroline gets the seat directly behind him and begins doing things like blowing on the hairs on the back of his neck (…o_o), running her ruler down his spine (…o_O), and whispering “Wal-ly” into his ear and making him blush (…O_O).
And then she whispers, “Wal-ly, there is a gigantic black spider with eight hairy legs [yes, I believe that’s the defining characteristic of spiders, Caroline], dropping down from the ceiling about five inches from your head.” And Wally says, “Where?” and throws his head back and hits Caroline right in the nose. Ha!
Their teacher, Miss Applebaum, is hilariously unimpressed by the whole thing and makes Wally and Caroline stay after school. She makes them “get whatever they were arguing about out of their systems” and it ends with Wally declaring war on the Malloys. SNAP.
She then trudges home, and it turns out Eddie and Beth were kept after school too, because Jake tripped Eddie in the cafeteria so she dumped her lunch on his head (hee) and then Beth waited for Eddie after school. Eddie is Not Pleased. Beth is Not Pleased. Caroline is mildly intrigued by Wally the Hatfords.
Hatfords. They dub Eddie, Beth, and Caroline “The Whomper, the Weirdo, and the Crazie,” respectively. Why they spell crazy with an ie, I do not know. I’m going to assume it’s one of those 1993-in-West-Virginia things until further notice. (I’ve noticed that Phyllis Reynolds Naylor has a tendency to do things like this in the early Alice books, too, so…yeah.) Wally tells them that he declared war on the Malloys. And then he panics over whether or not he broke Caroline’s nose (he didn’t) and whether or not he’ll have to pay for it to be fixed. For a nine year old, Wally spends a lot of time worrying about getting sued. I don’t get it. Josh suggests just ignoring the Malloys, which is the mature thing to do, but then we wouldn’t have a plot. Jake says they can’t, because Wally declared war. Wally thinks Hoo boy!, which, again…1993-in-West-Virginia, right? I certainly don’t know anyone who said that when I was nine.
Mrs. Hatford has baked a cake for the Malloys to welcome them to Buckman. Wait, really? Suddenly I would like to live in West Virginia in 1993. I don’t even know the names of the people living across the street from me. They certainly never baked me any cake. Mrs. Hatford tells them that they have to deliver it themselves. Also, she’s set the cake on a plate Aunt Ida (Aunt Ida? Nevermind, California in 2010 is much more appealing now) sent them for Christmas, and she wants it back in one piece. Jake’s like, “We can’t go over there! Eddie will probably dump the cake over our heads!” But Mrs. Hatford gives them the Mom Glare and the Hatfords set off, because carrying a cake across the street really requires four boys.
And on the way over, who should they run into but the Malloy girls? They both make it onto the bridge and stop and have a stare-off. 1993 in West Virginia rears its ugly head again when Jake says, “The first one to try anything gets the cake right in the puss.” You…maybe wanna think about rewording that now, Phyllis Reynolds Naylor?
Wally finds himself “face to nose” with Caroline, since her nose is ridiculously swollen. Oh, God, I don’t want to laugh but I am anyway. Wally’s like, “So…here’s a cake.” And Caroline just stares at him, since the last time she saw him they declared war on each other and now he’s offering her cake. And Wally’s like, “It’s a cake! It’s for you!” Beth’s like, “Sure. What dead animal did you put in it this time?” and Wally’s like, “FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, JUST TAKE THE CAKE.”
So Caroline takes the cake and throws it into the river. Ha!
Except, you know, it actually was a cake. Caroline says “Oh, Lordy!” which I also say a lot and now realize that I totally picked it up from these books.
And Wally grins and smarms and says, “Enjoy! Don’t forget to return the plate!” Wally is going to grow up to be such a dick. I wish there was a book series about that.
Malloys. Caroline is like, “Oh fuck oh shit oh fuck” (I’m paraphrasing) and Eddie is like, “Don’t blame yourself. I probably would’ve dumped it over their heads.” (Hee. See above.) And then they realize that they have to return the plate so Caroline jumps into the river and heroically swims to save the plate. Being Caroline, she turns it into a huge production and pretends the plate is her baby and it’s drowning in the river and Caroline has to save it and there’s intense music playing in her head and she grabs the plate and crawls onto a rock and swoons, as she is wont to do. Then Eddie says, “For corn’s sake, Caroline, cut the comedy!” Really? 1993 in Ohio, I guess.
The Malloys return the plate and Mrs. Hatford’s like, “Well…that’s sweet. How did you guys eat a whole cake in one night Is there anything we could do to make you feel more comfortable?” and then Eddie says, “Well, it’d be really nice if your sons could help our dad out around the house…because we’re such weak females…” and Wally is standing in the back and is like *FACEPALM*
Hatfords. They have to go over to the Malloys’ house and wash their windows. I’d feel worse for them if they hadn’t started this whole thing. Jake says, “I’ll wash their windows, all right. I’ll wash their windows, curl their hair, put out their lights, and knock them into next week.” Um, I got that last part, but I’m not too sure about the middle. Whatever, Jake. So they wash their windows and Mrs. Malloy makes the girls help, and then the scene from the cover happens: Eddie accidentally hits Josh with the water from the hose, and he drops his bucket from the ladder and it lands on Beth. And then it turns into a huge water fight and when the boys leave, the girls throw sponges at them, because these are sixth-graders we’re talking about.
And so then the boys decide to torment the girls, and decide to start with Beth. Even though…she’s the only one of the girls that hasn’t done anything to them yet? Whatever, eleven-year-old male logic is beyond me.
Malloys. Caroline is practicing her acting when all of a sudden Beth screams. I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED. Apparently there were “floating heads” outside her window and Beth is all, “Zombies are real! They were right outside my window!” Or maybe, Beth, there is a group of middle-school boys who own Halloween masks, who live across the street and hate you. And then Eddie walks in and is all, “You’ll never guess who I caught running down our driveway” because Eddie is awesome. (By the way, what was she doing outside? She was “returning the eggs [Mrs. Malloy] borrowed.” How does one borrow eggs? And even if that’s a figure of speech, how do you return borrowed eggs?) Beth is like, “Them?” because they won’t even say the Hatfords’ names now. And yes, it was indeed the middle-school boys with Halloween masks who hate them. And Eddie has their flashlight. Ha!
The girls compose a ransom note that Caroline has to give to Wally in school. While she waits to give it to him, she draws a picture of Miss Applebaum and gives her claws, fire-breathing nostrils, and so on. Ah, to be in fourth grade again. She gives him the ransom note and he passes one back that says, “Malloy Musketeers: Drop dead.” Hee. Sometimes I do love you, Wally.
Then Caroline sneaks out of the classroom to visit the theater and pretend she’s a great actress (ILU Caroline) and while she’s gone, Wally steals her drawing for blackmail. ILU Wally. Caroline panics, because now the boys have something on them, and her sisters will kill her.
So in revenge, Caroline steals Mr. Hatford’s boxers and runs back to her house while waving them above her head. God, everything about this book fills me with a childlike glee. Mr. Hatford, understandably, is like, “Why is there a nine-year-old girl running across our lawn waving my underpants above her head?” So he calls them up and is like, “I want my underwear back” and Caroline’s like, “I’ll give you your underwear back if Wally gives me my paper back” and Wally’s like, “Tell Caroline I’ll give her her paper back if she gives back our flashlight” and Mr. Hatford is just like, “What is this.” You and me both, Mr. Hatford.
Blah blah blah Mr. Hatford tells the boys to stop bothering with the Malloys. They agree to, but of course they don’t actually because there’s still 50 pages left.
Aaand fast-forward to Back-to-School Night in Buckman! According to Wally, “You no more missed Back-to-School Night in Buckman than you missed your own grandmother’s funeral.” Man, they really don’t have much to do in West Virginia in 1993, do they? I can’t remember the last time my parents went to my Back-to-School Night. So while the Hatford parents are off being bored to death by their sons’ teachers, the boys try to think up some wacky hijinks to get into. I don’t know why they don’t just watch TV? Do they even have a TV? There’s one part where Josh suggests inviting some guys from school, but Jake shoots it down because apparently the Bensons were their only friends. Wow. In the whole town? Lawd.
They eventually decide to play hide-and-go-seek in the dark, and are all excited because you can’t see anything and you can never tell if you found a person or a piece of furniture. Surely it’s not that dark out, is it? It can’t be later than 7. Anyway. The boys go off and hide and Wally counts down when suddenly, there is a mysterious wailing noise! :O! I wonder what’s happening!
Meanwhile, the Malloy girls are up on the Hatfords’ roof, making wailing noises. Of course. I have to admit, though, this is totally creepy. There’s a wailing noise that you can’t identify, while you’re home alone at night, in a town that is best-known for having an unidentified wild animal running around? Terrifying.
But wait! Occasionally, the Hatfords aren’t complete idiots! They figure out that the girls are on the roof and steal the ladder. Hee. It’s the girls’ own fault, really. You’d think they would’ve just stayed home and watched TV. Does anyone in this town even own a TV? How will they watch the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air like all the other kids their age? (Maybe Phyllis-Reynolds Naylor learned not to make real-world references after name-dropping Michael Jackson in an Alice book?) Anyway. The boys head off with the ladder, gloating all the way. Oh, no. Never gloat! Have you learned nothing?
So the girls open the trapdoor in the roof and let rain in. See? And then the Hatford parents come home so the girls have to jump into the house and leave through the front door. It is awkward turtles. Mr. Hatford, understandably, is like, “So…do you want to explain why three girls in raincoats just left through our front door?” And the Hatfords are like, “No.” Mr. Hatford totally figures it out though. He’s not Buckman County’s (seemingly only) postman for nothing!
Wait, wait, wait. Is he the postman or a policeman? OR BOTH?
Mrs. Hatford, though, is like, “Those Malloy girls are crazy. I wonder if Mr. and Mrs. Malloy are giving any thought as to how they raise their children.”
Wut? Bitch, your sons were the ones who thought they could run the girls out of down. Sit down.
Crazy Caroline. They’re back at school, I guess, and oh, Caroline’s putting the theater to good use by sneaking in there and doing ~dramatic readings~ of books. Hee. Today she’s doing “The Wind in the Willows”, which I’ve never read in my life. I know it’s the basis for Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Anyway, Wally and a bunch of boys from their class are hiding in the theater and mock her, blah blah fourth grade shenanigans blah. Again: Wally is such a hilarious asshole. On the other hand, this is totally something the boys in my class would have done in fourth grade. Hell, they probably would’ve done this in eighth grade.
Caroline thinks to herself, Wally Hatford, your time will come. OMINOUS.
Sunday. Caroline packs a bag lunch and tells her sisters that she’s off on a field trip to harass the Hatfords. She’s taking marshmallows and cheese crackers. Caroline is going to be really thirsty, methinks. I guess she doesn’t need water to survive or anything? Anyhoodle, she sneaks into the Hatfords’ yard while they’re away at church and gets comfy in their toolshed. A while later, the Hatfords come back and the boys hang out in the yard. Josh is drawing a picture of Caroline and they all mock her. That crazy Caroline! What will she do next? I think it’s a bit sad that it’s been two days and they’re still not over it yet. Seriously, is there anything else they could do? Is there no TV or radio in West Virginia?
On the other hand, it occurs to me that this book was only published in 1993. It could conceivably be set much earlier, when TV wasn’t as big as it is now. Which might also explain why everyone is weirdly obsessed about Eddie playing baseball, because it’s ~omg a boy’s sport~
Anyway, the boys catch Caroline in the shed and lock her in, planning to hold her for “ransom.” Given how old they are, they’re probably going to trade her for three pounds of Skittles or something.
Also, I do not understand how Caroline can be gone for hours and her parents not get the least suspicious.
Chapter 14: “Hornswaggled” (only relevant because of the name, really) opens with the Hatfords rejoicing: they’re holding Caroline hostage! Their parents are away picking apples, and the Malloys don’t seem to give a fuck where any of their daughters are at any time of the day. MWA HA HA HA! They compose a vaguely witty ransom note, cackling over their good fortune, when all of a sudden Wally takes a break from being a jerk and points out that the shed can get really hot in the afternoons. Like…their old dog got distemper and died in there.
Whoops.
So they open the door and check on her, and lo, Caroline is foaming at the mouth and trying to chew her own arm off. The Hatfords all freak out, thinking she’s rabid. Except she’d have to get bitten by an animal with rabies to be rabid, Wally. And her symptoms wouldn’t develop that far in the span of ten minutes. I thought you guys were smart.
On the other hand, I guess there’s not a lot of time to be rational when you find someone foaming at the mouth in your toolshed. On the other hand, really, they should’ve called 911 instead of her sisters. REALLY. Eddie and Beth are hilariously* unsympathetic and hang up on the Hatfords.
*It’s only hilarious since Caroline obviously isn’t actually rabid. Just saying. Though I think it would be mildly interesting if the book that starts out with the sisters faking her death ends with her actually dying.
Wally panics, pointing out that Caroline was locked in the shed for “at least an hour.”
WHAT? I thought she was only in there for about twenty minutes! DAMN. Bitch probably has heat illness at the very least! And Mrs. Hatford thinks the Malloys are bad parents? SMH.
Finally Wally and Jake cave and agree to cut “any kind of deal” with the Malloy sisters if they’ll just come and get Caroline. GOD, CALL AN AMBULANCE OR SOMETHING IF YOU’RE REALLY THAT CONCERNED. YOU IDIOTS. Eddie makes them say that they are the Malloys’ faithful, obedient servants. And then the Hatford parents pull into the driveway.
Caroline, meanwhile, is wondering how long she can roll around on the floor of the shed with melted marshmallows in her mouth. Hee. I kind of love you, Caroline. I guess it was a good thing she didn’t bring any water. On the other hand, faking a dangerous disease really isn’t cool. Come on. Anyway, Beth and Eddie show up and open the shed, and there Caroline is, with a marshmallow on her head. Hee. The boys are shamed and the girls laugh uproariously. Oh, they are so witty! Silly boys!
And then Wally tells his mother that the Malloy girls came over to help peel all three bushels of apples.
THE END.
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