Previously on Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Sea of Monsters: Percy’s kindly old mentor has been fired, and is he going to stick around and try to help Percy despite this? Nope, good luck with your quest! Just kidding, it’s not Percy’s quest, it’s Clarisse’s, but she’s not the protagonist of this series so fuck her.
Percy, Annabeth, and Tyson wake up and decide to properly investigate the ship. They discover it’s crawling with monsters, because surprise, it’s Luke’s ship. Thanks, Hermes. Our trio is also freaked out to see some of their fellow campers, like a dude named Chris Rodriguez, are also on the ship because they’ve joined Luke’s side. (In the TV show, Chris is still at camp during the Fleece quest, and reveals his sudden but inevitable betrayal at the end of the season, rather than joining up with Luke straightaway.) There are also several monsters cackling that they’ve thrown their lot in with Kronos because when he takes over, they can eat all the humans/demigods they want for breakfast.
The trio finds Luke’s cabin and eavesdrop on him — Tyson reveals he can mimic voices perfectly, which is a Cyclops ability that will come up again later. Luke and his minions are having a conversation about how Chiron has “skeletons in his closet” that made everyone turn on him for letting Thalia’s tree get poisoned, not that we ever find out what those skeletons are, to my memory just kidding, we do. Man, my memory is getting bad in my old age.
Somehow, Luke figures out that our trio is right outside and busts them before they can run. Percy immediately starts judging his outfit: Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers…He looked like an evil male model, showing off what the fashionable college-age villain was wearing to Harvard this year. Hee. In fairness, for someone who’s trying to tear down Western civilization, you’re dressing an awful lot like a capitalist, Luke!
Luke has two bodyguards with him, Agrius and Oreius, blah blah introducing another myth to ten-year-olds blah, blah blah presumably scarring any kids who Googled the full version of the story blah. Luke’s like, “That was pretty fucked up, huh? Gods bad, right?” and in total fairness, I am a little like, “Yeah, I’m not sure we wanted to reference bestiality and rape in a book for ten-year-olds.”
Anyway, Annabeth yells at him again, some more, about how he’s dishonoring Thalia’s memory and Luke’s like, “No, you!” and hints again at Annabeth having some kind of traumatic background with Cyclopses. Luke evils that he already knows about Percy’s quest and where to find the Golden Fleece, because he has spies inside the camp; and why is Percy even bothering to save the camp when it’s clear that the gods don’t care about him — look at the insult of Poseidon giving him a monster half-brother! Luke cackles that Percy doesn’t even know that the ominous prophecy about him is set to fulfill when he turns sixteen, and Percy’s like, “Uh…okay, admittedly I did not know that part.”
Percy tells Luke that Hermes sent them because he still cares, and Luke starts ranting about how it’s too late to apologize (but not the Timbaland remix, because it’s not 2007 yet) and Kronos grows stronger with every angsty half-blood that joins them. Percy realizes that Kronos’s body is in this sarcophagus-thing that’s in the room with them right now, and it’s reforming. (Annabeth says that’s disgusting, and Luke not-incorrectly points out that Greek mythology is kind of gross, not in so many words.) He tries to convince Percy and Annabeth to join him, adding that Thalia would have been on his side, which Annabeth does not like. Percy and Annabeth naturally clutch their pearls at the thought of being evil, and Luke’s like, “Alright, well, I guess I have to feed you to the Aethiopian drakon then.” He tells Argius (or Oreius?) to take them down to get eaten, but contrivedly tells Oreius (or Argius?) to stay behind because surely they don’t need two evil henchmen accompanying them.
Of course, our trio manages to overpower Argius (or Oreius) and escape in a lifeboat, using the Thermos of the Four Winds to blow them to safety. Percy also discovers that he can instinctively figure out where he is when at sea, which will come into play later. They try to IM (Iris Message, remember?) Chiron, but the connection is bad and all they can make out is that he’s apparently in the club in Miami (way to worry about your charges while you’re in exile, Chiron), and he’s warning them about…something. Helpful!
Annabeth guides Percy and Tyson to a hideout near the Chesapeake Bay, and tells Percy that she, Thalia, and Luke used to use it when they were on the run from monsters. Percy gets jealous at the reminder that Annabeth used to go on adventures with other demigods, and again, I really like this about Percy and Annabeth’s relationship: Annabeth is Percy’s only real demigod friend and his entry point into demigod life, but he’s not hers; Annabeth spends some of the later books still hoping Luke will go back to being her friend (and crush), while Percy supplants Luke in both roles. They’re both kind of tsundere about it and there’s something really interesting there about their resistance to becoming important to each other, and Luke betraying Annabeth’s trust while Percy doesn’t, but the books don’t really go there. Oh, well, maybe there’s fanfiction.
Percy sends Tyson out for “donuts” and takes the opportunity to talk to Annabeth about her childhood trauma some more. Annabeth tells Percy a little about Thalia; she notes that Percy and Thalia are a lot alike, and they either would have “been best friends or you would’ve strangled each other.” She asks Percy if being mad at Poseidon makes him want to burn down Western civilization and kidnap Patty Hearst and stuff. He’s like, “Uh, no,” and she’s like, “Then Thalia wouldn’t have been on Luke’s side either, case closed.” She vaguely hints at, again, some kind of traumatic encounter with a Cyclops, and says it’s the real reason Thalia died, but then we don’t elaborate on it because of course not.
Tyson comes back with donuts, and Percy’s like, “Oh, I was just trying to get rid of you so I could hang with my girlfriend, I was not expecting you to actually come back with food.” Nevertheless, when Annabeth points out that it’s super weird that Tyson stumbled across a donut shop in the middle of nowhere, Percy is like, “It’s not that weird!” What? Percy, are you new here? He tells Annabeth that Monster Donut is a totally innocuous chain of donut shops, and Annabeth explains that the reason chain stores multiply so fast is because they’re linked to the life force of monsters. Heh. It’s so very 2000s to act like chain stores are the root of all evil.
Blah blah Monster Donut is a monster nest blah. Blah blah our trio has to fight off a Hydra blah, blah blah Percy cuts off a head and two more grow back blah. (“Percy!” Annabeth scolded. “You just opened another Monster Donut shop somewhere!” Percy: “I’m about to die and you’re worried about that?” Hee.) The Hydra destroys most of their belongings as well, because God forbid we let these kids hold onto any money for more than two chapters.
They’re miraculously saved by Clarisse, of all people, who’s just…passing by on her quest, I guess. She’s been given a giant Civil War-era battleship by Ares (man, he couldn’t even give her a steamship?), along with a legion of undead soldiers from various wars to command — apparently Ares claims the souls of all soldiers on losing sides of wars, so the ship’s crew is like entirely dead Confederates. Our trio hitches a ride with her and finds out that she’s on her own; Percy cackles that Clarisse doesn’t even have a Crabbe and Goyle to her name. Clarisse huffs that she totally has friends and she doesn’t even care that the Oracle said something ominous about her quest that she refuses to elaborate upon. Percy’s like, “Well, that’s not suspicious at all.”
Percy goes to sleep and has another vision about Grover, wherein he sees Polyphemus tell Grover that he has one more day until they get “married.” Then he wakes up and overhears Ares getting his parental abuse on about how Clarisse is embarrassing him and he should’ve sent one of his sons on this quest, and if she fails and lets Percy steal her glory, she’s dead to him. Let’s imply some threats of physical abuse while we’re at it, too! Percy’s like, “Omg, does Clarisse have a tragic backstory? Is Lucius Malfoy Ares a bad parent and Draco’s Clarisse’s issues are because of they’ve been emotionally abused all their lives?”
Moving on! No time for emotions here; we’ve sailed into the Sea of Monsters and now must get past Scylla and Charybdis because all of our adventures must be in some way related to a classical Greek story. Clarisse wants to steam ahead and blow Charybdis up, ignoring any suggestions from Percy and Annabeth to do…not that. (Annabeth reminds Clarisse that Jason went through the Clashing Rocks, thank you for the mythology lesson; Percy suggests going past Scylla instead.)
Naturally, throwing cannonballs at Charybdis does absolutely nothing; the ship starts breaking apart under the strain of the waves, but Tyson offers to go fix it, since he’s naturally good at mechanics. They end up having to retreat and end up going past Scylla anyway, who snaps up a bunch of the undead crew. I mean…no offense to the dead Confederates and all, but I feel like strategy-wise, going past Scylla and sacrificing some of your unimportant and not-even-really-alive crew should’ve been a no-brainer. Kind of embarrassing that Annabeth didn’t bring that one up. (Although for what it’s worth, in some myths, Charybdis is the child of Poseidon and Gaia, so you’d think Percy might have some sway with his half-sister there.)
Anyway, they have to abandon ship, which Percy doesn’t want to do because Tyson is still belowdeck fixing the ship. Blah blah chaos and explosions blah, Percy nearly gets eaten by Scylla but then doesn’t, then he accidentally opens Hermes’s Thermos a little too far and the four winds blow him — and Annabeth — away from the ship as it explodes.
Percy comes to and sees that he’s in the middle of the ocean with Annabeth, in a rowboat produced from the Plot Convenience Store or wherever. Percy asks after Tyson and Annabeth gets all quiet, leading us to assume Tyson is dead, unless you’ve read literally any book before because you know he’s not. Annabeth softens up and apologizes for being a fantasy racist about Tyson.
Percy semi-guilt-trips her into telling him more about the prophecy (“I know Chiron promised the gods he wouldn’t tell me. But you didn’t promise, did you?”). Annabeth admits that the real reason the Big Three promised not to have any more kids after WWII was because there was a prophecy made that, when one of their kids reached sixteen, they’d either save Olympus or bring about its downfall. Percy realizes this is why Kronos didn’t kill him, because he’s trying to get Percy on his side. Annabeth adds that everyone initially assumed Thalia was the subject of the prophecy, hence why they were trying so hard to get her to camp, but since she’s a tree and all, everyone now thinks it’s Percy. “There’s really nobody alive who it could be, except you.” Hmm, somehow, I bet that’s not true.
Annabeth also notes that they have less than 24 hours to save Grover. So by all means, let’s have a subplot! They drift to an island that has a spa and resort, where they’re immediately offered food and makeovers by a bunch of pretty women with Greek names. Percy immediately suspects it’s a trap but doesn’t do anything about it because then we wouldn’t have a chapter. They meet the owner of the spa, “C.C.”, who keeps a bunch of guinea pigs in her office. (Wily readers might’ve already figured out what’s going on here.)
C.C. immediately starts negging Percy and Annabeth about how sure, they’re fine the way they are now, but is that what Annabeth’s hair really looks like from the back? Her spa attendants whisk Annabeth away, while C.C. says she needs to work on Percy personally. She invites Percy to look at himself in the mirror, wherein he notes that his hair never stays down flat. That last one definitely doesn’t sound like any other dark-haired, green-eyed protagonists we know. Anyway, Percy is bewitched into drinking her makeover potion, which promptly turns him into a guinea pig — because C.C. is Circe, of course. She tells Percy she used to turn men into real pigs, but guinea pigs are easier to keep. Aw, but real pigs are so cute! She could make Percy hunt for truffles!
Annabeth comes in with her hair done and wearing makeup, which shocks Percy, as “[he] never thought Annabeth would be caught dead in [it],” because every 2000s middle-grade book had to mention how very much the female protagonist wasn’t a girly-girl. Percy does briefly feed the shippers by noting she looks stunning, but nevertheless, it’s like C.C. has turned her into somebody else, around everyone else; she’s trying to be cool, she looks like a fool — sorry, the 2000s sucked me under for a moment there.
Circe reveals to Annabeth that she’s a sorceress, and she already knows Annabeth is a child of Athena. She wants to take Annabeth under her wing, perhaps confusing Annabeth’s tsundere-ness for actual misandry — male heroes get all the glory; the only way Annabeth can reach her full potential is to take up sorcery and help turn more men into (guinea) pigs. (Annabeth name-drops Amelia Earhart as a great female half-blood, just as a side note.) Annabeth twigs that C.C. is Circe and that Percy is a guinea pig, but Circe tells her not to worry: “He’ll be shipped to a wonderful new home on the mainland. The kindergartners will adore him.” HEE.
Anyway, Annabeth tricks her into leaving the room for a minute so that she can take one of Hermes’s multivitamins. She pulls her knife on Circe when she comes back in; the vitamins make Annabeth immune to magic so Circe can’t do anything to her. Annabeth dumps the rest of the vitamins into the guinea pig cage, and everyone inside changes back. The other guinea pigs turn out to be Blackbeard (and…his crew? The rest of them aren’t described), because Blackbeard is a son of Ares, naturally. He’s all, “Arrr, insert humorous pirate dialogue here because Talk Like a Pirate Day is still a thing!”
Percy and Annabeth escape on Blackbeard’s ship — he’s not at all happy about it being stolen, but Percy’s powers conveniently include making the sails unfurl and the rudder turn, so they get away unscathed. (By the way, the real Queen Anne’s Revenge was wrecked off the coast of North Carolina but has since been discovered; dunno if we’re just pretending that didn’t happen here.) Percy realizes that sailing is his special skill (callback to the first book there!) and thinks about how awesome it is to be out on the sea with the wind in his hair and the smell of salt and all that. Heh. Percy being a sailing bro is kind of endearing, ngl.
As they sail the Sea of Monsters, they pass the forge where the Cyclopses make godly weapons, and Percy’s like, “Hey, is now a good time for the reveal about why you hate Cyclopses?” Annabeth tells Percy that when Grover was trying to get her/Luke/Thalia to camp, they ended up in a Cyclops’s house in Brooklyn (as one does), where they were nearly all killed and eaten. The Cyclops lured them all to him by imitating their voices; when Annabeth found him, he even imitated her father and she still has nightmares about it. Getting stuck in the Cyclops’s lair delayed the gang from getting to camp, which let all the other monsters catch up to them, hence Thalia not making it to camp.
Percy goes to sleep and has a prophetic dream, wherein he’s in the room with Kronos’s sarcophagus. Before he can attack it, though, a girl shows up: She wore punk-style clothes with silver chains on her wrists. She had spiky black hair, dark eye-liner around her stormy blue eyes, and a spray of freckles across her nose. Heh. “Adults trying to describe emo kids” is such a specific feature of 2000s YA books and it cracks me up every time. Anyway, he’s dreaming about Thalia, just like in the last book, but I guess Percy doesn’t remember that because he doesn’t recognize her. He’s just like, “Please don’t judge me for thinking The Used kind of sucks.” Thalia tells Percy to get out of her way so she can kill Kronos, but when she opens the sarcophagus, whatever’s inside freaks her out. Spooooky!
Up next: Percy wakes up and we make it to the Sea of Monsters, but not before another ten-page detour!
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