When we last left the ineffectually supervised Hatfords and Malloys, Mrs. Malloy crashed her car and the boys were remarkably un-douchey to the girls about it. Eddie jumped on Jake and stuffed snow down his shirt and then the boys kidnapped Caroline for revenge! and she made brownies except not really and then Wally pretended not to notice so that plot went absolutely nowhere. Also, Beth and Josh had to hold hands for a play, which, believe it or not, was the catalyst for the events of this novel. (Also-also, it was during that same play that Caroline, delusional from fever, stumbled out onto the stage and tried to perform. ILU Caroline.) Wally narrated all of this but actually didn’t do much of anything, apart from chewing on some clover (it makes sense in context. Maybe.) Oh, and Peter gave away his brothers’ secrets. Again.
The good news is, judging from the title, this may be a book where someone other than Peter fucks up. We can only hope.
I’d just like to say that this book holds a special place in my heart because it was the book that first got me interested in this series. I saw an ad for it in a copy of Girl’s Life magazine at the dentist and immediately tracked down the series. And now, 13 years later, I’m recapping the books on the Internet. Oh, nostalgia. As always: the cover! Even though this book is technically about the middle school romance between Beth and Josh, it is Wally and Caroline who are on the cover. This can only end well.
So hey, it’s February! And in February is Valentine’s Day, the bane of all middle school students. Who doesn’t remember it well? Being forced to give a Valentine to every kid in your class! Getting to buy big bags of candy, and then agonizingly having to give said candy away! Purposely not giving the big Valentine to someone of the opposite sex, for fear that everyone would think that you had a crush! Buying wacky Scooby-Doo Valentines instead of the Backstreet Boys ones you really wanted to buy, because everyone would make fun of you if you gave out BSB cards! (Although I am pretty sure I gave out Britney Spears Valentines in like, 2002.) Good times.
And it is indeed a good time for Beth and Josh, who have now admitted that they like-like each other. They walk to school together! Beth draws little B + J hearts in her notebooks! They’re practically married. Eddie, the resident tomboy, is unimpressed by Beth’s torrid affair, while Caroline, the resident drama queen, is jealous that a) Beth is hanging out with Josh instead of her and b) that something exciting is happening to Beth and not her. Oh, Caroline. Anyway, neither girl is particularly thrilled over Beth ~dating~ Josh, and they’re not exactly unjustified in their concern: Beth comes down to breakfast one morning having done her hair “up on either side of her head, fashioned the top into curls, and fastened it using a large comb with daisies.” Yikes. I’d be worried too. (She’s also painted the letter “J” onto each of her nails, but I know at least three girls who did that in the seventh grade, so I can’t really hate.) And when they go off to school, Beth and Josh find excuses to walk next to each other, although they don’t hold hands. This, of course, totally pisses Caroline off: bells are supposed to ring! Violins are supposed to play! Beth and Josh aren’t supposed to, like, pretend to stop to tie their shoes so the other one can catch up with them. And I have to say, if this book were really true to middle-school life in the early 2000s, Beth and Josh would be macking behind their lift-top desks. (I caught two of my classmates doing that once. Shudder.)
Anyway, Caroline knows that she could fall in love way better than Beth. Do you smell hijinks? Of course you do. Caroline resolves to star in her own love story and chooses Wally as her romantic lead. (Does Wally have any idea about this? Of course not.)
Over in Wally’s POV, he too is annoyed by Josh’s newfound amour. “How many times could a guy stop to tie his boot on the way to school just so a girl could catch up with him?” Hee. Wally hopes he’ll never fall in love. Because girls have cooties and all. This segues into a recap of Caroline and Wally’s relationship, if you’ve never read any of these books before: Caroline is ~precocious~, and therefore is in Wally’s class even though she’s a year younger, where she perpetually annoys him by poking him in the back with pointy objects. But today! Wally sits down and…nothing happens. Caroline doesn’t even say good morning to him. This weirds out Wally even more than Caroline usually does, which makes me laugh because it’s making me picture him like the woman from Gas Light: “Caroline’s not annoying me! This isn’t normal! What’s going on?” while Caroline just pretends like everything’s fine. God love them.
Anyway, Mrs. Applebaum introduces yet another bizarre class activity, where she makes the students name famous people and what they’ve done in order to test their history knowledge. Like…any famous person? They don’t even have to stick to one subject? Because there are enough famous people whose achievements have crossed over into common knowledge/pop culture to the point where you don’t have to be paying attention in school to know what they are. Whatever. Mrs. Applebaum is a horrible teacher, but we already knew that. The other kids provide names like Alexander Graham Bell (“Good, Bobby!”, as if we care who Bobby is), the Wright brothers, Rosa Parks, etc, until they get to Caroline, who says “Antony and Cleopatra”, being famous for…love. Wally is rightfully creeped out, although he has no idea why. It sort of amuses me that Wally can almost anticipate Caroline’s hijinks by now.
After school, the boys go home, and Josh spends five minutes talking to Beth at the bridge. Five whole minutes! They should just move in together! Jake and Wally ask Josh why he “had” to go and fall in love with Beth Malloy, and Josh tells them that they’re just friends. Pfft, as if friends spend five minutes talking to each other after school! Josh denies it, but then Peter brings out a piece of paper that he found on the playground that reads “Beth loves Josh.” Jake is like YOU SEE? and Josh protests that Beth’s notebook paper is a different size. Wally: “YOU KNOW THE SIZE OF HER NOTEBOOK PAPER?” Hee! And then Josh ~reveals~ the truth: he’s using Beth to spy on the girls! Totally! Because that always works out so well. Jake and Wally are suspicious but accept it, although Jake worries that Beth might be in love with Josh. Josh tells him not to be nuts, because he obviously doesn’t know about Beth’s creepy nail polish or weird hair curling activities. (Which is kind of sad, if Beth did all that and he didn’t even notice.) Then Peter asks what “X-X-X-X-X-O-O-O-O-O” spells.
I can’t even deal with you, Peter.
At Casa Malloy, Caroline is musing on how to go about falling in love, and how to make Wally fall in love with her. For some reason, I’m just thinking of that one Star Wars book where that woman kidnaps Luke Skywalker and claims him for her mate in front of her tribe or whatever, probably because that’s the only way Caroline could get Wally to go out with her. Anyway, she dresses to impress with “black tights, a black skirt, and a red sweater with little black sheep all over it.” Is it bad that I think that sounds cute? I’d wear it. She asks her parents how to make someone fall in love with you, and Mrs. Malloy points out that you can’t make people fall in love with you — good advice only tempered by the fact that she doesn’t pick up on the fact that Caroline is clearly hatching a wacky plan, which everyone should be able to figure out by now. Eddie complains that one sister in love is bad enough, but then everyone gets distracted by Mr. Malloy, who’s read in the newspaper that the abaguchie is back! Aw, yeah. Abaguchie mania is always a good time. Then Beth comes downstairs and says she’s going to make double-chocolate frosted heart for Josh. I remember this part of the book really clearly because I spent way too much time in the fourth grade wondering what double-chocolate frosted heart even was. A cookie? A cake? NOBODY KNOWS.
At school, Caroline continues her mission to make Wally really uncomfortable fall in love with her. And as much as I like Caroline, she lacks subtlety: she tells Wally that she wore her new sweater ~just for him~ and when he asks why, she whispers, “Because I think I’m falling in love with you, Wally.” Wally’s just like, “…” and asks to go to the bathroom. Caroline is undeterred: the class is handing out Valentine’s, and if she wants to give Wally one, she has to give one to all the boys, so she just decides to give Wally’s to him after class. And after school, she goes to Oldakers’ Bookstore (site of exciting happenings such as four-legged burglaries and that time the boys trapped Caroline in the cellar) to purchase a Valentine “with a big red satin heart in the middle, surrounded by a ruffle of white lace.” I find it difficult to believe that any grown adult would buy that…and yet, I’m probably wrong. Also, this book continues its long tradition of ostensibly being set in the late ’90s-early 2000s but being full of weird ’50s-type language, like Caroline finding her valentine card in the “sweethearts” section of the card rack. This series confuses me, y’all.
Wally. Caroline’s crazy behavior is freaking him out — she’s following him everywhere, smiling weirdly (with all of her teeth, which is what I did when I was six and didn’t know that you only have to show the top row when you smile), and, freakiest of all, trying to sit at his lunch table. I love this series’s accurate portrayal of middle school politics. It is the best. Anyway, Wally isn’t going to hand out Valentines, he’s just going to sit around and eat candy. As we all would.
Josh asks Wally if he can use his room — since Josh and Jake share one — and Wally, for some reason, can’t figure out what on earth Josh would want his room for. Peter suggests that Josh is going to spy on the girls (hey, didn’t they already do that? And then get in massive trouble for it?) but Wally muses that his room faces the backyard, not the Malloys’ house. Jake swings by and asks where Josh is, and Wally and Peter say that he’s spying. “Well, heck!” Jake says, because this book has suddenly become an episode of Leave It to Beaver. Josh won’t let Wally into his own room, so Wally goes and contemplates the wallpaper for a while until Josh is finished. ILU Wally. Once Josh leaves, Wally goes in to look for ~evidence~ of spying, but finds none: “He didn’t see any binoculars. No false mustaches or other disguises.” Because Josh would totally need a disguise to spy on the Malloys from his own house. What Wally does find are a bunch of sprinkles, “the kind you might find on a cupcake.” He then uses his super-sleuth skills to deduce that Josh probably wasn’t making cupcakes, since nothing smelled like cupcakes. You know, completely ignoring the fact that there’s no oven in Wally’s room.
Oh, and then later he sees some abaguchie tracks and everyone gets disproportionately excited. That also happens.
The Malloys. The sixth-grade science fair is on, and Eddie doesn’t have an idea for her project. I sympathize. We had a sixth-grade science fair as well and I remember having no idea what the hell to do (I think I eventually ended up testing what type of candle melted the fastest, or something). That shit was stressful. Anyway. Mrs. Malloy suggests that she do something involving people, like a survey. Later, the girls discuss Wally and his abaguchie discovery, and Caroline snarks that some boys in her class think the abaguchie is a prehistoric animal (…what? Man, those are some dumb nine-year-olds), and that boys will believe anything. And there’s Eddie’s project idea! “Hypothesis: boys are more gullible than girls.” She comes up with a ~plan~ (gotta love the plans in these books!) to lure a bunch of boys and girls over to the house to see the abaguchie, and see whether more boys show up than girls. They decide to pass the messages out in secret (so they won’t get kids coming in groups), to kids between the second and sixth grades. Hey, you know who’s in the second grade? Only the kid who messes up every single plan in all the books. SIGH.
There’s also another problem with this ingenious plan: they don’t actually have the abaguchie, and kids are probably going to be pissed that they got lured to Casa Malloy for nothing. Eddie says she’ll just draw a picture, and Caroline privately thinks that it will be up to her to save the day. I love Caroline.
Wally, the next day. He catches Caroline putting one of the slips of paper into some kid (Kevin Miller, as if we care)’s jacket, only he doesn’t actually see the paper, just her hand in the pocket. He gets home and immediately tells his brothers that Caroline Malloy is a thief. Heh. I kind of love his complete lack of faith in her. Wally checks his pockets to make sure Caroline hasn’t stolen the quarter he found earlier (because 25 cents is such a loss), and finds the slip of paper. He muses that maybe the Malloy girls — or Papa Malloy — really did catch the abaguchie, and Caroline’s offering to let Wally see it first because she’s decided she’s in love with him. Eddie’s hypothesis is working out already! Wally notices that his brothers seem unusually quiet, and then Peter takes out his paper and asks what a-b-a-g-u-c-h-i-e spells. Seriously, why do they involve Peter in these things? All the boys figure out that it’s a trick, and Jake tells Josh that, as the official spy, he should go find out what the Malloys are up to. Seriously? They live right across the street. They can’t just go over there?
Which…is actually what Josh and Wally do. Oops. That’s what I get for typing before I read. Josh ditches Wally outside and Wally muses that if he ever likes a girl, he’ll get a friend to like her too, that way they can both go over to her house together. Hee. I love Wally and his unrealistic expectations. Anyway, Wally heads back home and he and Jake commiserate over how much the girls suck, they miss the Bensons, blah blah blah. Wally shrugs and admits that he’s not sure he wants the Malloys to leave, and Jake mumbles that he’s not sure either. Aw. He totally wants to be BFFs with them.
Malloys. This part is sort of weird, because Josh is said to have dark hair, even though he’s been blonde in all of the other books. Maybe he’s been experimenting with the black hair dye, like Anne of Green Gables. Anyway, Josh totally calls her out about the whole abaguchie thing, and the girls decide to let him in on it. Josh admits that he and Jake don’t have a science fair plan either — mm, procrastination — and suggests that they all be in a group together. Is that allowed? Whatever. Eddie agrees, since Josh is a really good artist and he can draw a better abaguchie for them. The only catch is, of course, that Eddie’s doing her project on whether boys are dumber than girls. I’m sure Josh and Jake would be thrilled be participate in that. She lies and says they’re trying to see which grade is the most gullible. That’s such a sad hypothesis. Of course little kids are more gullible than older ones. Then again, I did my science project on whether non-drip candles melt faster than drip ones, so maybe I shouldn’t be talking.
Josh does the drawing and they all hang out and chat for a while. Like actual friends! But he’s totally spying on them. Totally.
After he leaves, Eddie grouses that she doesn’t want to partner with the Hatfords, and Beth points out that people can change. Caroline, probably annoyed that this conversation isn’t about her, pipes in that she’s going to make Wally Hatford fall in love with her. I hate to say it, but Caroline =
I wish it weren’t so.
Eddie’s all “Lawd hammercy” but the topic quickly switches back to the abaguchie. Eddie’s going to mark down the names and grades of the kids who visit, Beth will line them up, and Caroline will show them the “abaguchie.” Caroline points out that the kids are going to take their anger out on her, and Eddie’s like, “Whatever. When I’m a famous scientist, they’ll thank me.” (Caroline: “I thought you were going to be a doctor of sports medicine or a professional baseball player.” “A doctor-scientist who plays baseball.” You know, my bias towards her aside, Eddie sets a really good example as far as having different interests in male-dominated fields and being encouraged to experiment with them all. Anyway.)
And then Caroline writes “For My Beloved” on her card to Wally, and signs it “Achingly yours.” HEE! Also, it’s always funny when you can see authors reusing certain phrases and tropes.
(Also, for years I thought she had written “Archingly yours,” and I spent ages wondering what on earth that meant.)
Over at Casa Hatford, Jake doesn’t want to do his science project with a giiiirl, also he thinks Eddie’s idea is dumb. But it’s better than his idea, which is absolutely nothing, sooooo…abaguchie mania it is. Jake pouts that science projects are supposed to be about “chemicals or electricity and stuff.” That’s a lot to ask of sixth-graders, if you ask me. Outside, Wally listens to their conversations and decides to join, because he hates being left out. Aw! Jake throws socks at him. I can’t hate, because I’ve totally done that to my own brother. Wally says that if it involves the Malloys, then they have to let him in on it, because it’s ~boys vs. girls~. Jake snarks that he doesn’t have to do anything “but die and pay taxes.” I don’t know why that makes me laugh so hard, but it does. Then Jake grouses that they always thought up good science projects when the Bensons lived in Buckman. Josh is like, “Uh, we never had to do science projects when they lived here.” Hee. Jake really needs to get over this whole Benson thing. Seriously, do they have no other friends?
Anyway, Josh tells Wally that he can help Caroline bring the kids into the garage and show them the abaguchie picture. Wally echoes Caroline a bit earlier, pointing out that the fifth- and sixth-grade boys are going to “murder” him when all he shows them is a picture. Well, as long as they’re not suing him. I know that’s Wally’s greatest fear. And then Josh echoes Eddie by saying that “they’re part of a great experiment.” Mmm, parallels.
Day of the experiment. Peter chirps that he wants to see the abaguchie and Jake’s like, “Do you really think the Malloys captured it?” and Peter’s like, “The girls wouldn’t lie!” Oops. This will end well. So Wally and Caroline take him into the garage and while they’re in there, Caroline puts the moves on Wally. Wally’s like, “Uh, I don’t love you. I’m not even sure I like you.” And Caroline’s like, “Oh. Well, maybe you’ll change your mind.” HEE!
Peter is predictably upset that there’s no real abaguchie, and the rest of the kids get nervous — if Peter, who’s only seven, isn’t appeased by the abaguchie drawing, Wally’s murder predictions are probably going to come true when they get to the older kids. And of course, when kids start showing up, Caroline disappears. Better you than her, Wally! So Wally takes them inside but realizes that Caroline has the flashlight. And then, while they’re awkwardly standing around in the garage, a “grotesque creature” swings above over their heads and scares the crap out of all of them. Wally runs for his siblings and the Malloys, and they all creep into the garage, only to find Caroline. Of course it was Caroline. Like she would ever pass up a chance to be the center of attention. They all have a hearty chuckle, and Caroline does her routine for the rest of the kids who come by to see the “abaguchie.” Problem solved! Yay!
Oh, wait, except for how the boys aren’t pleased that this was an experiment about boys being more gullible than girls. Well, at least Jake isn’t. Josh is off holding hands with Beth. “What kind of a spy was that?” asks Wally. What kind indeed.
Malloys. Everyone’s gone home and the girls are all happy: Caroline got to have her dramatic moment, Eddie got her science data, and Beth got to ~hold hands~ with Josh. Eddie immediately bursts her bubble all, “He probably hasn’t washed them in a week.” On the one hand, hee. On the other hand, Eddie and Caroline are both being kind of douchey about Beth’s fifth-grade romance. It’s not like she’s running off to marry the dude, and they all freely admit that Josh is the nicest Hatford brother. But whatever. Caroline wails that it’s not fair that Beth is in love, for she, Caroline, has been jilted by Wally — “I gave [him] every opportunity to kiss me in the garage and he didn’t take it.” Both Eddie and Beth are like, you crazy. Beth is like, “Even I haven’t been kissed yet!”, like she’s setting the bar or something. Then again, this is actually quite realistic: TV shows and books that cater to middle schoolers still have a tendency to write in ~romances~ with the characters, and I think a lot of kids have the idea that you start dating and kissing when you’re eleven or twelve — when in reality it tends to happen much, much later.
A while later, the parents Malloy return from wherever they were all day with KFC. The kids eat KFC quite a bit in these books. I hope Phyllis Reynolds Naylor got paid for this. Anyway, in the midst of eating their KFC (I should get paid for this), the police show up! Again. I wonder if they ever get tired of being called to the Hatford/Malloy street. Apparently, some girl (“Lorie Weymouth”) has gone missing, and her mother found the secret abaguchie invitation in one of her books. The police ask the girls what time she was here, who she was with, etc. Coach Malloy, king of overreacting (btw, did the girls ever buy him a new sports coat? That plotline gets dropped after book #5), flips out that the girls would “entertain” their entire school at the house without their permission, and Mrs. Malloy is upset that the Hatfords were involved in this. I have to say, I’m not sure why they’re upset? Or, I am, but…I kind of think they’re overreacting? I mean, the girls should’ve told them what they were doing, and they shouldn’t have written “TELL NO ONE” on the invitations, but…that’s about it? I mean, the kids came by, went in the garage for like five minutes, and went home. The girls closed the experiment at four, which would’ve given the kids that were left about an hour to get home before it was dark, and it’s not like their houses could be that far apart considering how tiny the town is. And it’s not like the Hatfords’ involvement was the reason Lorie went missing. I don’t know.
(Caroline, meanwhile, is imagining Lorie being eaten alive by the abaguchie. “[She] felt sick to her stomach. She would never eat Kentucky Fried Chicken again.” I guess Phyllis Reynolds Naylor isn’t getting that KFC money after all.)
Casa Hatford. Mr. Hatford, who you’ll recall is a postal worker who moonlights as a policeman, gets a call about Lorie and goes off to find her. Mrs. Hatford is more reasonable than the Malloys about the boys’ involvement, although that could be because it wasn’t the boys’ experiment to begin with. Still, she tells them to stay away from the girls. I realize wacky hijinks go down every time the boys and girls get together, but I don’t know why their parents are constantly blaming the other family, like it’s their bad influence rather than the fact that middle schoolers, particularly in large groups, are just dumbasses. But whatever. Wally is mildly disappointed that they can’t get up to aforementioned wacky hijinks with the girls anymore, but Josh is really upset: he bought Beth a box of Whitman’s chocolate for Valentine’s Day, and now he doesn’t know how to get it to her. Because, you know, he can’t give it to her in front of their classmates and risk harshing his cool. Jake’s just like, “Tough. We’ll help you eat them.” Heh. Peter whines that the Malloys make good cookies, and Mrs. Hatford’s like, “What, and I don’t?” She also points out that the Malloys aren’t the only kids in Buckman, which I find difficult to believe. At the very least, they’re the only kids the Hatfords have any kind of contact with. Seriously, where the hell are their other friends?
Oh, and Mr. Hatford finds Lorie Weymouth. She went over to a friend’s house and didn’t leave a note. I’m glad all that drama had a climactic payoff, aren’t you?
Anyway. Josh still needs to get that chocolate to Beth, so he enlists Peter to deliver it for him. Because, you know, the Hatfords aren’t allowed over there, but it’s totally okay if Peter gets in trouble instead of the older boys. But you know, even if the Hatford parents did find out about Peter going over there, they’d just yell at Josh instead, so it’s not like it makes a difference. It’s also at this point that we find out that Josh bought Beth a two-pound box of Whitman’s. Jesus, that’s love. My own parents only buy me a one-pound box of See’s for Christmas. Jake snarks that Josh totally has a thing for Beth, and Josh says that he’s just ~playing his role~. If Beth were to send him something, he’d totally throw it out! Totally!
So off Peter goes, and the narrative switches to the Caroline’s POV. The girls see Peter crossing the river and correctly deduce that he’s carrying a box of chocolates for Beth. (Although Caroline hilariously pouts that they could be for her, from Wally.) And then…Peter starts to eat the chocolate. Sigh. You already know Peter does not amuse me. Maybe it’s just because I hate kids. The girls decide to go out and catch him in the act, and Peter flails for a minute before shoving the box at Beth and taking off. Oh, Peter.
Hatfordland. Peter comes back and Josh immediately figures out that he’s eaten the chocolates, because he’s got marshmallow still stuck his mouth. OH, PETER. Blah blah death threats blah. They get mad at Peter in every book, so forgive me if I’m not too invested. Anyhoodle, later that night, Wally finds a box for Josh on the back porch. It’s a double-chocolate frosted heart! No prizes for guessing who it’s from. Jake makes Josh throw it out, because he’s kind of a douche. Wally echoes my thoughts: “You aren’t even going to taste it?” That is such a waste of double-chocolate frosted goodness. Jake didn’t think that one through.
The boys aren’t done with their wacky hijinks, though: Josh wants to leave a note explaining why Beth’s chocolates were half-eaten. Little does he know that she caught Peter in the act! But whatever. Jake snarks that Josh better explain why they sent Peter. Because Mrs. Hatford is anti-Malloy, duh. You were there, Jake. Keep up. Jake “jeer[s]” that sending Peter totally made sense, then. Uh, wasn’t he there when Josh said that it didn’t matter if Peter got in trouble instead of him? Someone’s not paying attention, but I’m not sure if it’s Jake or me.
So anyway, Josh and Wally go over to the Malloys’ house to leave Beth a note, and Jake tags along because he’s bitter that Josh is hanging out with Wally instead of him. I gotta say, maybe the fact that Wally’s not such a massive douche about the whole Beth thing has something to do with it, JAKE. Whatever. On the way to Casa Malloy, Wally muses that all the fun things they used to do with the Bensons don’t seem so interesting now. I feel like one of the Hatfords has this revelation in every book — “Omg, maybe we want the Malloys to stick around after all!” — so I’ll move on. Josh tries to scramble up onto the porch roof to stick the note under Beth’s window — and hey, since when does her window face the front yard? I thought her room was at the side of the house, where you can see into it from the garage. Maybe she has two windows.
Not that Josh ever gets onto the porch roof at all, since the abaguchie shows up and the boys run screaming into the night. No, just kidding, they actually start pounding on the Malloys’ door to be let in. Papa Malloy opens up and is like, “Do I want to know what you’re doing over at my house at crack-thirty in the evening?” The boys hem and haw and the Malloy parents are like, “Don’t you have any other friends?” THANK YOU. Wally’s like, “We did, but you’re in their house!” No, but seriously, any other friends? At all? In the whole town? The girls start complaining that it’s a free country, and their parents can’t keep them from their maybe-friends, and Josh just shoves the note at Beth and books it, with Wally and Jake running after him. Beth slams her door dramatically and Eddie calls Papa Malloy a dictator. Well, don’t understate it, by all means. That said, I’m glad the kids finally got mad at their parents for their habitual overreacting.
Upstairs, the girls squee over the “XXXOOO” Josh has written in Beth’s note (well, Caroline and Beth squee. Eddie scoffs). “This was almost like kissing Beth in person. Beth Malloy had almost been kissed.” God love them. Caroline is ~inspired~ and adds her own bazillion Xs and Os to her card for Wally. That definitely won’t send him screaming for the hills.
Over at Casa Hatford, Peter has found what’s left of the double-chocolate frosted heart. Jake notices that Beth put a shitton of effort into said heart and is like, “Josh, if you’re a spy, then I’m the president.” He stomps off and Josh gets mad at Peter for bringing the heart in. Fucked up again, Peter! Kid just can’t win. I’m starting to feel bad for him now.
And finally, 5000 words later, it’s Valentine’s Day. Caroline dresses up in her best red dress and creeps on Wally all day, sticking candy hearts under his collar and tracing hearts on his back with her ruler. There was a kid who used to do a similar thing to me in the eighth grade. Wally pretty much tries to avoid her, but she catches him after school and gives him her ruffly Valentine card of doom. Wally freaks out when he sees “For My Beloved,” as we all would, and gives the card to Jake. Oh, Wally.
A week later. Wally’s still not speaking to Caroline, and Jake and Josh are mad at Eddie. Apparently the science project was a failure, and the teacher used it as an example of how a project shouldn’t be done. Didn’t Mrs. Applebaum do the same thing to Caroline and Wally’s project in the Christmas book? Isn’t it kind of unethical for teachers to specifically call out students in front of the class for not doing well?
Unfortunately for Wally, Caroline is close to giving up on him when one day another fourth-grade girl gives her some dating advice. You know, because fourth graders are experts on the subject. She tells Caroline that boys are just ~shy~ and of course Wally secretly likes her deep down! Yikes. Caroline’s bordering on stalkerish at this point. She’s even more determined to ~capture~ Wally’s heart when she sees Beth taping a note for Josh to the bridge handrail. Because, you know, their middle school romance is so forbidden. Caroline thinks it’s uber-romantic, as you do when you’re a nine-year-old drama queen. That night, the Malloys go out, which you know can only spell trouble. The girls find a note that reads “For My Beloved”, and Beth is convinced it’s for her (Caroline: “No, it’s for me!” Eddie: “Hey, maybe it could be for me.” ILU Eddie). Beth reads it and bursts into tears, since the note starts out, “Dear Ugly Stupid,” and basically is like, “You crazy, stay the hell away from me.” Obviously, it’s for Caroline, and I have no idea why Beth would think it’s for her. I mean, doesn’t she know what Josh’s handwriting looks like? Whatever. Beth is the worst.
Caroline, meanwhile, knows it’s for her — presumably from Wally — and has had a “wonderful, awful” idea. Is she going to steal Christmas? Because that book’s already passed.
Casa Hatford. Jake’s gone out, and when he comes back he’s all smug because apparently he’s been “delivering a message” to Caroline. That makes it sound like he’s left a horse head in her bed. Although he ends his sentence with “that’s what,” which also makes me picture Rachel Lynde. The Avonlea Mafia, perhaps? Anyway. Wally freaks out when he realizes that Jake thought that Wally was being serious when he told Jake the Valentine was for him (“him” being Jake), and Jake’s gone over to reject Caroline as only Jake could, with a note that starts out “Dear Ugly Stupid.” Oh Jake, you charmer. Although I have to admit, Jake and Caroline would be hilarious together. I’d read that book. Wally’s mildly relieved — Jake was way ruder than Wally would have been, but at least Caroline will probably leave him alone now. Except not, because then Caroline calls the Hatfords and dramatically declares that she and Wally will never see each other again, no, for he has broken her heart and she cannot go on living. Then she hangs up and Wally’s like, “Holy shit, I think she’s going to commit suicide.”
For once, the boys do something remotely sensible and decide to go to Casa Malloy and check on her. I mean, the most sensible thing would be to call 911 straightaway, but I think I can forgive them for not believing Caroline immediately. Jake, for his part, is like 99% sure that Caroline’s faking it (spoiler: he’s right). Wally, as always, panics at the thought of getting in trouble with the law — although, of course, it was Jake who wrote the note. (Jake: “Well, you shouldn’t have given me that stupid valentine. If I go to jail, you’ll go with me.”) Aaaand when they get to the back door, there’s Caroline with “a pool of red beneath her head.”
Caroline. Of course she’s alive, and just faking the whole thing. I’d call her out on being kind of sociopathic here, but that happens later, so I’ll hold off. The boys start yelling and the girls come out and then Eddie sniffs the “blood” and realizes it’s raspberry syrup. Eddie has a hearty chuckle over how Caroline tricked the boys, but Beth starts yelling at Josh about the note and Josh is like “WTF?” and then Beth says that she was just using him to spy on the boys, and it turns out that Josh was telling Beth all kinds of ~*~secrets~*~ while he actually didn’t get much out of her. Jake is all aghast that Josh would spill the frijoles like that, but then it turns out they have bigger problems because the police have showed up. AGAIN. The boys recap everything (Eddie: “You thought Caroline would try to kill herself over Jake?”) and the police are like, “Are you even serious right now” and then the Malloy parents show up. Oh, I bet they’ll take this well.
Inside Casa Malloy. Mr. Malloy is like, “I can’t even deal with this shit” and goes upstairs, and Mrs. Malloy calls Caroline out for being a baby sociopath and Eddie for tricking Josh and Jake into doing a different hypothesis, and Beth for…something. I have to admit, being criminally boring aside, Beth hasn’t actually done anything wrong in this book. So everyone goes to bed, and “[f]inally all the windows were dark and there was nothing left but two shining eyes, like hot burning coals, watching from the trees in the back of the house.” Oh, well that just took a turn into incredibly creepy. Eesh. I’m in college and that line still freaks me out.
Hatfordland. The boys manage to wriggle out of trouble, since they were trying to do the right thing — it’s not like they knew Caroline was faking her suicide attempt, although Peter, as always, manages to put it in the worst way possible (“Caroline said she was dying and we went over to watch!”). Blah blah letter from the Bensons blah. They miss West Virginia, the Malloys sound crazy, etc. You know, the boys don’t really talk about anything in their letters. It’s all just “Come back! We hate the Malloys!” “They sound crazy! Georgia sucks!” “You know, the Malloys are actually okay.” “Yeah, so is Georgia.” But whatever.
The next day, the girls apologize to the boys, happy fun times, etc. But they still can’t go over to each other’s houses. Josh says that they can all hang out somewhere else then, and they make plans to go to Oldakers’ Bookstore. I’m not sure why they think they won’t get into trouble there, either — isn’t that the place where they once trapped Caroline in a cellar? And apparently that’s where all the excitement in this town ever happens, because when the kids are there, the abaguchie shows up. You know, amidst all the love drama, I had forgotten about abaguchie mania. A few days later, the newspaper comes out saying that the abaguchie is a cougar, and Papa Malloy suggests that the girls start hanging out with the boys again: they’ll be harder to attack in a large group. Man, the Malloys send the most mixed messages. I’m pretty sure they told the girls to stay away from the boys and then to spend time with them again in the same week.
As it turns out, the Hatford parents had the same idea, so now the boys and girls have to do everything together. Mmm, contrivance. Jake snarks that the girls are going to have to follow them everywhere: to Smuggler’s Cove, through the woods, in a box, with a fox, in a house, with a mouse, in a train, in a tree, etc etc etc. Eddie’s just like, “Challenge accepted!” As always: this will end well.
THE END.
Leave a Reply