Nancy Drew: The Shattered Medallion (Part One)

LOL THE SHATTERED MEDALLION. Oh boy, here we go.

I don’t think there’s a single person on the planet who thinks this game is good. Like, I know some people enjoyed it while also acknowledging its mediocrity — which I’m not judging; see also: every damn thing I review on this site — and some people straight-out hate it, but we can all agree that it’s not great, right? The plot of The Silent Spy was weird but was mostly coherent. The plot of this game is just…I don’t even know. Does anyone know what actually happens in this game? It’s been four years and I still haven’t figured it out.

After “years” of trying, Bess has finally managed to get George a spot on her favorite reality TV show, Pacific Run. Yeah, you remember how every time we called Bess and George, they were talking about Pacific Run? That was totally a thing that happened. Anyway, apparently Nancy is on George’s team for this season, while Bess is going to cheer them on. For some reason, she can’t cheer them on from her couch in River Heights, so all three of them are going to New Zealand to film the show. (The reason being plot convenience, but we’ll get there.)

Pacific Run is a reality show that…is about…something. I guess it’s kind of like Legends of the Hidden Temple, where you have to solve puzzles and do some physical tasks to win, except it’s nowhere near as fun. The choice to make this an Amazing Race/Legends of the Hidden Temple-style reality show baffles me. While people certainly still watch Survivor, I’d say the past 10 years of reality TV and people’s interest in it has been dominated by shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians or The Hills. If they wanted to satirize reality TV culture, they could’ve picked a genre of reality TV that was actually topical. Shit, that probably would’ve made the game actually interesting — our “housemates” would’ve been the suspects, we would’ve all been trapped in a house together, that kind of thing.

For some reason, they do not announce the contestants in order, keep switching back and forth between the teams, and don’t bother to use the same format for all of them. This disorganized rambling really should’ve been a sign about how the rest of the game was gonna go. So, here’s our first team, Team Kea. They’re made up of Patrick, a former rugby star (Quote: “No known allergies, cannot swim”), and Leena (Quote: “None of your business.”) Uh, if Patrick is from New Zealand, how does he not know how to swim?

Next is Team Tawaki, which is made up of Kiri and Erin. Only one of them will be important. Kiri has been on reality TV before, and was crowned Biggest Cheater on her last show. What a subtle way of telling us that she’ll be our requisite asshole character.

Then there’s Team Tui, which is George and Nancy. The narrator calls George her “personal favorite,” which is weird and she doesn’t explain why at all, and she’s not even gonna introduce Nancy? Okay, whatever.

We pull back to see that we’ve been watching the intro on a TV. This blue-haired dude pauses the tape and says, “Let’s call that good.” It’s really not, though. Put some effort in. Anyway, he introduces himself as Sonny Joon, Pacific Run’s line producer. Ah, yes, this is the game that finally introduced Sonny Joon as a main character, and we thought that that meant it was going to be good. Oh, to be young and naive again. Anyway, you might remember him from all the wacky messages he’s left us over the course of several games — he first popped up in Secret of the Scarlet Hand, as the first of Beech Hill’s many terrible hiring decisions, and was a little running joke onward. I don’t think he actually showed up in any of the past few games, though, probably because they were all so fucking intense that there wasn’t really any room for Sonny Joon or Koko Kringles jokes.

Sonny runs us down on the rules of the game: everyone has a game phone — this replaces our regular phone in this game — and we’ll get texts and calls updating us on the game. The goal is to complete tasks and collect medallions, and when we get a medallion, we have to bring it back to the stand. Producer areas are off limits and we have a rule book in our tent. The first team to finish a “stage” gets the highest score, the second team gets the second highest, etc. There are sidequests that will earn us “perks” that might be better than points in some cases, and occasionally you can win without having the highest number of points.

As he says this, the tape keeps going with examples. Then all of a sudden, the TV goes, “MY PLAN REQUIRES MANY SPECIFIC TALENTS!” and we see a shot of a blue disc-thing and a note that says, “Find the team, get the rest.” Sonny’s like, “Whoops, you weren’t supposed to see that! It’s completely unrelated to anything in this game and is DEFINITELY not part of a secret plan.” Then he runs away. So…I guess…that’s the end of our introduction to the game?

We cut to the game area, and the announcer tells us that our first task is to solve a puzzle, and we’ll get a data chip with more information on it.

The puzzle is laughably easy; it’s one of those rotate-the-pieces-until-they-make-a-path puzzles. We finish it in like half a minute and get the data chip. Then we get a text congratulating us on solving the puzzle, and telling us what to do to earn our first medallion. We have to use the data chip to access other locations in the game, and when we get to those other locations, we have to find five plants: Mt. Cook lily, waterfall fern, pikao, kakabeak, and a spider orchid. Then we have to put them into the correct vases on our team’s plant stand.

While we’re on the phone, we can also check Nancy’s phone diary. Nancy notes that she and George have been “training” (for the strenuous task of picking flowers?) and that alliances are the key to winning this game. Dude, how? How does having an alliance help you solve puzzles? This game makes no sense.

Anyway, even though this show hinges on the idea that teams have to finish certain “stages” first, there’s no clock and you can pretty much do the tasks whenever you feel like it. What is annoying is that the whole game-show concept is still running in the background when we get to the actual mystery, and you have to remember to do all these BS tasks while also solving crime.

Alrighty, so let’s explore a bit. Over in the main area, by the dining tent, we can see the empty flower vases that we have to fill, and also we find a book about sheep. Do not tell me that we have to herd sheep again, because I have done enough of that for a lifetime.

There’s also a prize vending machine, when we can buy items using our points, and also check on how many points everyone has.  Nancy and George have a solid 20 right now.

So we make our way over to this area called the “Puzzle Palace.” It’s basically a giant arcade, if arcades had games like flower sorting instead of skee ball. There are a lot of dumb things about this game that I’m gonna get to, but here’s one of them: what the hell kind of reality show is this, anyway? Like, is Nancy searching for flowers really going to make for engaging television? And even if it does, how are they filming it with NO CAMERAS AROUND?

Anyway, we go into the Puzzle Palace and we see this big HER Interactive banner, which is painfully meta.

We find a couple of educational displays about the various natural disasters that can befall New Zealand, like earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, and landslides. Maybe a volcano will erupt and put this stupid show out of its misery.

We find one of the plants that we need just chilling on one of the displays, and we steal it, because fuck your interior decorating. We can also play some of the other puzzles in the Puzzle Palace to get tokens. There are a bunch of mini-games from previous Nancy Drew games, like Monster and Raid.

So we have one of the plants that we need, out of…however many, who cares. Let’s leave this depressing building and go explore.

The contestants are set up in a kind of camp area. As Sonny mentioned, the rule book for the game is in our tent, so let’s go check that out. The book tells us that there are five medallion pieces in the game, and each piece is hidden in one of the five stages. The first team to find the medallion piece in a stage wins that stage, and the first team to complete their medallion (and also have the most points) wins the game. Sonny said you can win the game (because of perks? I don’t know) without necessarily finding your medallion pieces first or having the whole medallion, so I don’t really know how that works. I don’t know how anything in this game works.

Teams have their own camps, activity stands, and rooms in the Puzzle Palace. They’re not allowed to enter each other’s areas. Again, what the hell kind of reality show is this? So like…they just follow the teams as they solve puzzles alone? I don’t watch much reality TV, but I’m pretty sure the contestants need to interact for the show to be interesting. Whatever. Anyway, when a team finds and returns a medallion in a stage, the stage ends and all the teams have to gather for elimination. The two teams with the lowest points will be eliminated.

The next page has all the teams that are competing. There are 10 teams in total, but only three of them are rendered as characters, so clearly they are the only ones that matter.

Finally — well, not finally in the rule book, but finally in my summary — if a teammate has to drop out of the game, their partner can either continue solo or withdraw from the game. File that away for later.

Let’s go talk to our fellow contestants. First up is Patrick. You’ll recall that he’s a rugby bro, and that’s pretty much all we know about him so far. Is there more to him? Let’s find out.

We ask if he’s excited to be on Pacific Run, and he tells us that Leena was the one who wanted to do it, and he went along with it because he has no spine. He’s been on TV before, so he’s not impressed by Pacific Run. And…that’s the whole conversation. Oh. Okay.

Let’s say hi to George. She has a game plan for finding the plants: Nancy will do the footwork, and George will research where they are. Way to pawn the hard part off onto us, George. Also, shouldn’t the girl whose only defining character trait is being a tomboy be the one doing the physical activity here? But we must go do the research for the game to advance, so let’s go open up this Plants of New Zealand book that we conveniently have. We have to find a silver fern, a Mount Cook lily, a spider orchid, a mamaku leaf, and a waterfall fern.

So we can set off looking for plants, because we have to. We pass the producers’ area, where we’re not allowed to go, and a confession booth. Nancy says she’ll just stick to talking to herself. An understandable sentiment, but again, I’m pretty sure on an actual reality show, contestants can’t just opt out of talking to the camera.

I don’t know, is ragging on this game for being unrealistic asking for too much? It’s not like Nancy Drew games have ever been accurate representations of the locales that they’re set in, or of the industries Nancy is doing unpaid labor for. Like, Danger by Design is in no way a realistic depiction of the fashion industry, but it’s still a fun enough game that nobody complains about it. Maybe if the Shattered Medallion were, like, a competent game on any level, the fact that it’s not at all grounded in reality would be more forgivable.

So we can look at this board here, where the medallions are placed when a team finds them. We can also see the points board — we’re tied for the lead right now with Team Karearea, but that team doesn’t have any characters that we can talk to in it, so they’re definitely not going to win.

There’s also a map, where we can see all the locations we’ll be traveling to over the course of this game. Some of them are locked, and when we notice that, we get a text telling us that we have to find the passwords to unlock the locations. The first password is at the Puzzle Palace, but fuck Puzzle Palace. I’ll do that later.

The only other unlocked location right now is “Doubtful Sound.” We click on it and jump to this dock with some kayaks, and Nancy muses over which one is ours. It…doesn’t matter? I just grabbed the yellow one?

We kayak around a bit and find some kind of hatch just chilling in the water. Nancy notes that we have to unlock it.

Back on land, we’re trolling around looking for plants when we overhear an argument between Leena and Patrick. Patrick is insisting that he won’t do something because it’s wrong, and Leena snaps at him that it’s not wrong, he’s just a coward. Patrick says that it’s “unnatural.” Hmm. Then we trip over a piece of paper that looks to be a bunch of notes between Patrick and Leena. She wants Patrick to sneak into the producers’ tent and copy down all the ways players can get eliminated from the game behind the scenes. She has to like, walk Patrick through it, in case you haven’t already noticed that he’s kind of dumb. Patrick writes back to Leena that there’s no producers’ show contract with a copy of the rules. Leena’s like, “That’s impossible!” and Patrick’s like, “IDK, bro, Sonny says it’s missing.” There’s also a drawing in the corner that Nancy notes looks like code.

I was about to say, “Wow, it’s so convenient of them to have written all this down for us instead of JUST TALKING ABOUT IT.” Then I remembered that, theoretically, the contestants are being filmed and can’t speak freely. It’s pretty easy to forget the reality-show angle of this game, honestly.

Okay, so back to Puzzle Palace we go. We have to play a “find the differences” game. When you spot a difference in the pictures, a red line gets drawn across one of the letters between the pictures. When we’re done, the remaining letters will pop up and need to be unscrambled to find the password to Mossburn. The unscrambled word is “WOOLSHED.”

After that, we go to the map and enter “WOOLSHED” for Mossburn. We’ve now unlocked that area and can go over there.

So we go wandering around Mossburn, which is pretty but doesn’t have much else going for it. That’s a pretty accurate summary of this game in general, actually. Anyway, we come across a rickety rope bridge. For some reason, George is all hype to cross it. She’s like, “I want to cross this bridge more than I’ve wanted to do anything!” It’s a bridge, George, chill out. She makes it halfway across, and then the bridge collapses. Nancy’s like, “What the fuck! Nearly dying is MY thing, step off!”

We cut to, presumably, part of the episode being broadcasted. George has a broken leg but is otherwise fine. “Luckily for Ms. Fayne, and our lawyers, she’s resting comfortably,” the announcer jokes. That seems like a weird thing to broadcast to the entire world, but okay!

We promise George that we’ll find out what happened with the bridge. I don’t know, Nancy, can we really rule out the possibility that everyone on this shitty reality show is incredibly incompetent and they didn’t bother to make sure the environment was safe for the contestants?

George muses that something weird is going on. She tells us that she has access to the producer feed here in the medical tent, and she also — somehow — has a key to the producer area, in case we need to sneak around. Nancy clutches her pearls all, “But cheating is wrong!” and George is like, “I nearly died, Nancy, please have some perspective.” Also, not Nancy “Kleptomania” Drew getting all worked up over breaking into a place where she’s not supposed to be.

So remember how, if a contestant had to leave the show, their partner could either go on alone or drop out? Well, as with so many things in this game, forget what was previously established, because we’re going to disregard it now. Nancy’s new partner is Bess, who has volunteered despite hating all things outdoorsy and physical. The show asks her to give a contestant statement, and Bess wibbles that she’s going to die here.

After all that, we cut back to the camp area. Let’s talk to the rest of our showmates. We approach Leena first, and we’re like, “So what’s up with you and Patrick, he seems kind of dumb.” Tactful! Leena says that he has hidden depths. Then we ask if she wants to team up with us, and she’s like, “No.” Okay, good talk.

Let’s see about these hidden depths Patrick supposedly has. We ask if he’s been to Puzzle Palace yet, and he says, “That place is hilarious.” Nancy’s like, “…how?” and he’s like, “I know, right?” Wait, what? Then we ask how long he and Leena have been together, and he’s like, “I’m not great with time. Like, who invented the minute anyway, man?” What? I don’t know. Then he starts babbling about how his parents have students and they’re always telling them to let the river push them to their destiny, or maybe not to trust the river, it’s hard to tell which. Nancy asks more about his family, but he won’t tell us, because his family is too smart for questions, so they probably wouldn’t get along with Nancy’s nosy ass. Then we’re like, “You don’t seem like a typical athlete,” and there’s more bizarro dialogue about how athletes are humble, except they’re not, which is what Patrick meant when he said that they are. Also, he won’t tell us what his parents’ jobs are, because jobs are just ideas, man.

You know, I haven’t played this game since it first came out, and I thought that maybe the dialogue wasn’t as bad as I remember it, but…no, it’s pretty terrible. It’s full of weird non-sequiturs that are trying really hard to sound deep, and they’re just…failing. This conversation makes no sense and has no point, and it’s not even confusing in a way that seems purposeful. I’d love to tell you that it improves, but it doesn’t.

So we ask where he was when George was injured, and he says that he and Leena were near the bridge. We’re like, “Does anything about this competition seem weird to you?” and he’s like, “Yeah, it’s weird that I’m here, because I don’t like competition.” Okay, A) it’s not all about you, Patrick, and B) wasn’t he a pro rugby player? Patrick says he was, but like, that was different, man. For reasons. Okay, whatever. Then we ask what he and Leena fought about, and he says that he didn’t want to go kayaking, because he has no body fat and he can’t swim, so he’s definitely going to drown. Like a gorilla. Nancy’s like, “Gorillas can’t swim?” and Patrick’s like, “IDK, someone told me they couldn’t.” Fascinating stuff.

Let’s see how Bess is holding up. She freaks out that something terrible is going to happen to her, and Nancy assures her that everything will be fine. Didn’t Bess volunteer for this? Did she not consider all of this before she signed up? It’s a game show, Bess, Nancy and George will survive if they have to drop out. Anyway, that’s pretty much it for Bess, and she has this bizarre parting line in this game, where she says, “Get out of here ya old so and so!” Is…Bess pretending she’s in that game set in the 1930s?

We go over to the producer area, but Nancy notes that we can’t use our key while the security cameras are active. We turn around to leave, and Kiri calls us over. Apparently she’s also without a partner, since Erin tried to save George. Ah, yes, you remember Erin, Kiri’s faceless partner. (It’s fine if you don’t.) Kiri has opted to go on alone, because that’s fair, I guess. We tell her that Bess is our new partner, and Kiri snorts, “The blonde with the day-glow camo? Good luck with that.” Not while you’re wearing that shirt, Kiri. We get all offended on Bess’s behalf, but Kiri tells us that she just likes to talk trash for the cameras. She proposes that we make an alliance together, and Nancy derps, “But only one of us can win.” Kiri’s like, “YES, so the alliance will only last until it doesn’t benefit us anymore, keep up.” She says that she has an agent, and she just needs to make it to the finals to raise her profile. Nancy’s all like, “OMG, you have an agent?” Hey, so did we, until we found out that he was a psycho stalker. Anyway, Nancy says she’ll think about it. As a show of good faith, Kiri shares some gossip with us: she heard that Sonny Joon isn’t really supposed to be running the show — he threw away the travel paperwork for the crew, so now he’s the highest authority on the island and no one can come here to stop him. Well, that’s…disturbing.

We ask Kiri what she did before she became a reality TV star, and she tells us she used to perform in Cirque du Soleil knockoffs, before she got tired of running around in leotards and “mirror glass-coated antlers.” I…guess that would get old, yeah. Nancy’s like, “I have to wear spandex catsuits sometimes, so I relate.”

Since Kiri is from New Zealand, does she think she has an advantage? She’s like, “Sure, finding scattered medallions is New Zealand’s pasttime.” Are you sure it’s not missing obvious chances to name-drop the title of the game? Or, as Nancy says, “Are you sure it’s not sarcasm?” Kiri says she likes us. That might also be sarcasm.

Nancy thinks that Kiri is too smart to be on “trashy” TV. Uh, you’re here too, Nancy. Also, being on this trashy show is kind of your best friend’s dream that you agreed to help carry out. Or, as Kiri puts it, “You play fast and loose with the judgments, don’t you?” Oh, Kiri. Judging our suspects is half the fun! The other half is stealing their shit. Kiri adds that she was raised to believe she was smart and special, like every other kid on the planet, but guess what? She’s not. Man, that hits me where I live.

Finally, we ask where she was in the bridge collapsed, and Kiri said that she was in the confession booth. That seems to convince Nancy, and she agrees to work with Kiri. Kiri says, “You won’t regret it! You’ll regret something else.” Awkward silence ensues. I’m just…gonna walk away now.

Sonny Joon is also hanging out around here, so let’s see what he’s up to. We ask to see footage of the bridge collapse, and he tells us that the footage was destroyed in some kind of magnetic incident. What? Fucking magnets, how do they work? Nancy asks if we can, like, look at it to see how plausible that is, but Sonny refuses.

We bring up that we heard a rumor that he’s not supposed to actually be running the show. He’s like, “Yup, that’s true.” You’re…you’re not supposed to just admit it, Sonny. That takes all the fun out of it for me 🙁 He says that the producers’ plane has been diverted and all the passport paperwork has been filed incorrectly. He admits that it’s his fault, and says that he was “a little overconfident in [his] knowledge of airport codes.” Okay, heh.

We go check out the bridge, where we find a note from Sonny’s just like, “LOL, accidents happen. Here’s a new bridge, test it to see if you die.” Dude…what the hell. Who is WATCHING this show? Is like…no one concerned at all? Can that announcer lady step in, or is she just gonna sit back and commentate while this show runs without any safety regulations at all?

“This puzzle is a tad bit insensitive, considering,” Nancy says, and that’s all the acknowledgment we get of how bizarre this situation is. So! We’re supposed to “test” the bridge by clicking on the squares in order, from the blue square until we make our way over to the red square on the other end of the bridge. You can step past 1 or 2 squares at a time — for example, if you’re playing on amateur mode, your first step is over the square right below the blue square, and to the third square on the bottom.

When we’re done, we can cross the bridge and find the waterfall fern on the other side.

Finding the plant triggers one of the teams finding their medallion. Team Kea — Leena and Patrick — have found their medallion first, and get the most points. The rest of the teams can still try to get second place, but for some weird reason, Nancy and Bess are already somehow in last place and are supposed to be eliminated, but for another weird reason they aren’t. The announcer notes that Sonny has chosen to let Team Tui stay on, even though he’s not supposed to. The announcer’s like, “Well, this isn’t what was supposed to happen. Don’t make us come down there, Sonny.” Wow, way to broadcast to your entire audience that your show’s production is a dumpster fire. Seriously, what kind of show IS this?

Anyway, we have to kayak out to find the last plant. Once we get that and put all the plants together, we get our medallion piece. “Go Team Tui!” Nancy says, even though we’re in last place and finishing the challenge won’t help us at all.

Our next goal, as you recall, is to go to the woolshed and shear a sheep, because New Zealand. The sheep book we found had the clue, “20 in each row and column unlocks blades.” So clicking on the numbers will move them around the rows and columns, changing the numbers that they add up to. We want to click on the numbers in the right order so that each row and column adds up to 20. When that’s done, we open the door and get blades for the shearing machine, which we have to fix, because of course we do.

Blah blah moving one moves the others again blah. This time, we want to turn some of the blades so that they’re all lying flat.

But wait! Now we need a key to turn on the power to the shearing machine. This game is so stupidly padded out. The key is hiding behind the sheep at the top left. So we take the key, and we turn the power on, and then we finally manage to shear the sheep. But then we need to find a bag to put the wool in. OH MY GOD.

So among the fun items we can buy from the vending machine, we can also buy a bag. I use “fun” loosely, of course. Team Tui is still in last place, with 30 points. I should mention that for plot purposes, Nancy has to be in last place, so it doesn’t matter how quickly or slowly you do any of these puzzles. Nothing in this stupid game matters.

Since we can’t go below 50 points, we have to go to Puzzle Palace to get enough points to buy the bag. We go back to Puzzle Palace and do this crossword puzzle. The crossed out lines reveal the password to the hatch, “Doubtful Sound.” Wait, isn’t that the name of the location? Are you saying it was staring us in the face this entire time?

Well, whatever. We can open the hatch now! Maybe we’ll find a random Scottish dude living down there!

We also pass by the scoreboard again and honestly, what is this fuckery? How are Nancy and Bess in last place? Two of the teams don’t even have their medallion pieces! Nothing in this stupid game matters, again, some more.

Anyway, we have enough points now to buy the bag for the wool. We buy it and then go back to the shed to put the wool in the bag. We place it on the stand to claim our medallion piece, except the medallion is missing. This would be more climactic if like…anything about this game made me care about winning. As it is, I don’t. Our medallion is missing. Yawn. Maybe we’ll get kicked off the show and I can be put out of my misery.

As before, finding — or not finding, as it were — the medallion piece triggers the end of the stage and a cutscene. Patrick and Leena have won first place again, and two other teams have been eliminated. Apparently, when you’re eliminated, you get banished to “Loser Atoll”, where you have to watch the game from afar and reflect on your failure. Whatever, that still sounds more fun than being on this island.

Let’s see how Bess is doing. She’s lusting after Sonny — “He’s like one of those tall, beautiful things they have in Italy.” “A sculpture?” Nancy guesses. “No,” Bess says. “A barista.” Nancy’s like, “I…I don’t think baristas are exclusive to Italy.” Bess is just like, “Yes, keep acting like we’re having a conversation so I can spy on him.” She squeals that she can picture Sonny with a puppy and it’s getting her all twitterpated. You know, Bess really looks like Ryan Kilpatrick in this game. I think they borrowed the model or the facial expressions or both.

Nancy suggests that Bess put her Sonny enthusiasm to work by flirting information out of him. “I’ll bust out my feminine wiles,” Bess promises. I mean, it worked on Logan, who’s apparently an international spy. Bess’s feminine wiles are powerful. So Nancy tasks Bess with finding out where they’ve seen Sonny before. What? Nancy, just ask me. I have a whole list of your past games right here! Also, if Bess has time, she should also flirt information out of Patrick. I don’t know how helpful that will be, since that dude seems to exclusively speak in non-sequiturs, but whatever.

Let’s talk to Leena. She’s all snippy about our alliance with Kiri, and tells us that we might as well have made an alliance with a pack of wild dogs. Okay, here’s another thing — that conversation between Nancy and Kiri was presumably broadcasted, right? Like, it’s been a long-ass time since I’ve watched reality TV (my 9-year-old self was really into Endurance, I’m gonna be real), but I’m pretty sure that’s one of the things the audience is interested in seeing. So it was kind of weird for Kiri to talk openly about her agent and how she doesn’t even care about winning. But whatever! Who cares! Nothing in this stupid game matters!

ANYWAY, Leena is American and Patrick is from NZ, but they mostly travel together instead of doing long-distance. Fair enough. Then, in a weird transition, we go back to talking about our alliance with Kiri. Leena’s like, “I take back what I said, it’s an excellent idea and you should definitely do it.” Nancy’s like, “You’re speaking as a competitor?” and Leena says, “As long as you’re asking as a competitor.” So…yes, then. We ask if she took our medallion, and Leena snipes that stealing another team’s medallion is against the rules and is grounds for elimination. Nancy doesn’t quite understand this concept, because as we all know, rules get in the way of some of our favorite activities, like flagrantly violating people’s personal space and stealing shit from them. Anyway, Leena advises us that reading the rules will help us win the game, because they’re a direct path to victory. Uh…okay. As we walk off, Leena snarks, “Ten bucks you’ll never read the rules.”

And we won’t be reading any more of this post, either, because it’s over 5k words and we’re not even through the first act of the game yet and WHY IS THIS GAME SO LONG.

Up next: I don’t read the rules, but I might later! Then we sneak into the producers’ area because fuck you Sonny, I do what I want.