Previously on the Boy/Girl Battle Series: Girls Rule! Not as much as email does, though.
This book was published in 2005, which means that by rights, Jake, Josh, and Eddie should be going through their emo phases right now. Tragically, there are zero references to Fall Out Boy in this book.
We open midway through the summer. It was the day after the Fourth of July, perhaps more commonly known as the fifth of July. Wally decides that since the girls are pretty definitely moving back to Ohio, he’s going to try not to be a dick to them for the rest of their stay in Buckman. Sure, that’ll happen.
The actual reason behind Wally’s newfound benevolence is that he’s just finished reading a scary book, about a guy who’s a dick to his neighbor, and the neighbor’s astral projection self tortures the guy for the rest of his life, even after the neighbor moves away. Wally freaks out that the Malloys’ ghost selves are going to punish him for being an asshole. He admits that while the girls have also kind of been dicks, the boys started it. They did! The first book is even called The Boys Start the War!
As usual, the Buckman Public School system has done a thing where they give the kids an assignment, but also kind of give them a way to opt out of it because their school curriculum really lacks consistency. This time, Jake and Josh can replace three books on their summer reading list with writing three issues of a neighborhood newspaper. Look, I freely admit I was a nerdy kid who blew through my summer reading lists — even when we had to read really boring-ass books, like fucking Shades of Gray — but I think even non-nerdy kids would rather just read three books instead of having to write three newspapers.
Josh and Jake want Wally to spell-check and pass the papers out, and Wally agrees after they let him put his name in the masthead with theirs. The twins also are thinking of asking the Malloy girls to help. Wally points out that Beth and Caroline aren’t in their grade, so this has nothing to do with them, and Eddie won’t get credit if they move back to Ohio. Josh and Jake are like, “But they could still think it was fun!”, which is just code for wanting to hang out with the girls because they liiiike them.
(Also, wow, I was just googling Ohio and West Virginia for ~research~ on these books, and…I never realized they border each other? LOL the Malloys didn’t move very far away at all!)
Over at the Malloys’ house, Eddie decides she wants to do the newspaper project, too, figuring it’ll be fun even if they don’t stay in Buckman. Then Jake calls, and Caroline picks up. He asks if he can talk to Eddie or somebody. Caroline: “I’m somebody!” Jake: “I mean somebody normal. Let me talk to Eddie.” Hee. Jake tells them about the Hatfords’ newspaper, and offers to let the girls have any jobs they want — except editor, illustrator, or distributor, as the boys have taken those. Eddie’s like, “Okay, then I want to be editor-in-chief.” HA!
The boys are pissed that Eddie tricked them like that, but they decide that they’ll strike if she tries to make them do anything they don’t want to. They name the newspaper The Hatford Herald without telling her, with the logic that if she tries to change it after the fact, it’ll look like she’s not in charge, and she won’t want that. These kids know each other too well. They send Wally down to Oldakers’ Bookstore to convince the owner, Mr. Oldaker, to put the newspaper in his window.
By the way, Buckman is based on a real town in West Virginia, and by “based on” I mean “Phyllis Reynolds Naylor changed the name and literally nothing else.” Even the street the Hatfords and Malloys live on is actually the real name. The acknowledgements in this book thank “Michael Oldaker and his bookstore”, so I’m guessing Oldakers’ Bookstore is or was a real place. Anyway, Wally’s brothers tell him to “turn on the charm”, and Wally panics that he doesn’t HAVE any charm. Heh. Nevertheless, Mr. Oldaker says that most kids punk out of doing the newspaper when they realize how much work it is — I told you reading three books would be easier! — so if the Hatfords manage to stick to it, he has plenty of room in his store to display their paper. Wally marvels at how easy that was.
Then he hears a weird noise coming from under the bookstore floor, and he’s like, “Dude, what the fuck?” Mr. Oldaker creeps at him that there are bones under the floor. Wally’s like, “How are BONES making that noise?” Mr. Oldaker says that if Wally figures it out, the Hatfords can print the story in their paper. The catch, of course, is that Wally also has to keep his investigation a secret. You’ll recall that Wally just finished reading a bunch of ghost stories, and he is mad freaked out.
The newspaper has to be about the history of Buckman, so all the girls pick a vaguely historical topic. Eddie’s going to investigate all the swinging bridges in town, and Beth is looking for haunted houses. Caroline gets assigned to write “obituaries”, which kind of turns into her doing stories about famous people from Buckman’s history. Eddie tells Caroline not to be an insensitive jerk about asking people about their dead relatives, which turns into Caroline being all, “Sorry for your loss,” about people’s like, grandparents that died in World War I, and they’re like, “I didn’t actually know them, but thanks.” Some guy’s trying to tell her about how his grandpa nobly jumped on a grenade or some shit, and Caroline’s like, “This is boring, bye.” Yeah, so not so much on the sensitivity. The only person Caroline actually listens to is a lady whose sister has recently died. Apparently they didn’t get along as well as people thought, and the woman tells Caroline about how hard it was to have an identity separate from her sister’s. That shit really hits Caroline where she lives.
Eddie finds out about the Hatfords naming the newspaper without telling her, and she is pissed. Nevertheless, as Jake predicted, she can’t do anything about it, lest it look like she doesn’t have control over the boys. She decides that they’ll have to watch the boys like hawks.
Caroline’s sent away for some BS pamphlet about auras, because she thinks that all great actresses need to have one. Apparently she ordered the pamphlet by cutting out a payment slip from the magazine. Ahhh, the pre-Internet shopping era. Eddie lectures her on the pseudoscience of the whole thing, but Caroline won’t be deterred. She’s like, “If it wasn’t true, it wouldn’t be printed on a piece of paper and sold to people!” Oh, Caroline. I foresee sharing fake news on Facebook in her future. She sweeps off to go meditate down by the river in a huff.
Wally is letting his imagination run away with him about the bones in the bookstore. How very Caroline of him. He has a nightmare about how Mr. Oldaker is a serial killer or some shit, and then spends the next few days jumping out of his skin every time someone mentions ghosts or bones or small businesses. Jake and Josh send him over the Malloys to drop off some pictures, and Wally takes Peter with him. They come across Caroline meditating — she’s put a big white curtain over her head and is humming out loud. Wally’s like, “It’s a ghost!!!” and runs away. Peter’s like, “What up, Caroline.” Heh. Wally, this is really embarrassing for you.
Caroline takes Peter over to the Malloys’ house, and they bribe him with cookies, as usual. He tells them that if the girls (read: Eddie) get too bossy, his brothers are planning to strike. The girls point out that they’re the ones who aren’t going to get any school credit for the paper, since they’ll probably be back in Ohio in September. But then Beth adds that, since Eddie’s name is on there as editor-in-chief, it looks bad for her if the paper doesn’t come out. Okay, but if they’re bailing back to Ohio anyway, who cares if people in Buckman think she’s a shitty editor-in-chief? Also, I would’ve stopped caring what people in this town think after they berated a bunch of middle schoolers for not washing their cars properly.
Wally and Jake call, looking for Peter. Mrs. Malloy is in the room, and makes Caroline take him home. Caroline’s all, “Peter, what will you miss most about me when we move back to Ohio? Try to think of something like, really complimentary.” Heh. Peter tells her that he always notices her elbows, because they’re kind of dirty all the time, like she leans her elbows on the newspaper when she reads the comics. He knows this because Wally also has filthy elbows. Wally and Caroline are meant2b. Caroline doesn’t like this at all, of course, and muses that she’ll have to do something really spectacular so everyone will forget about her elbows.
Wally is hella embarrassed to find out that he ran away from Caroline, although let’s be real, he’s spent like half these books running away from Caroline. He goes to the bookstore, and Mr. Oldaker tells him that a couple of other boys from school are also putting out a newspaper. He assures Wally that the Hatfords will still get the big story about the cellar, though. Wally thinks he can hear scratches coming from under the floorboards, and is freaked out.
Jake is all competitive about other kids doing a newspaper. Eddie’s like, “Whatever, we’re not even gonna be here in September, so who cares?” Then she compliments Jake’s sports story, and invites the Hatfords to go look at haunted houses with them. Beth has found one to write a story about, and they decide to go over there when the sun goes down. I bet Wally will handle this well.
Caroline decides to get all theatrical about going to a spooky house, and tries to work on her aura some more. She decides she’ll try to look like Shirley Temple, because if Shirley was a famous child actress, she definitely had an aura. Dude, what preteen girl cared about Shirley Temple in 2005? When I was eleven, I was in a Neopets guild dedicated to Hilary Duff. And also one for Teen Titans.
Beth and Eddie notice that Caroline’s tried to give herself some Shirley-ish curls, and Eddie’s like, “Did you dress up for Wally?” Hee. They set off and meet up with the boys, and Beth gushes that she’s really excited to look at the house. She has “fast film” in her camera, so hopefully she can get some pictures. Film cameras! Never forget! Beth says that the house seems more likely to be haunted than some of lame-ass locations people have been telling her about. She’s like, “LOL, some people told me the bookstore is haunted! That’s just silly!” Wally’s like, “SAY WHAT?” but Beth blows him off.
The house is pretty creepy; the paint is peeling and when they look in the windows, all the furniture is still there. Still, Beth has no proof it’s haunted, and everyone tells her to chill out. They leave, but Caroline decides to go back for one last look. She sees “the ghostly figure of a young girl” in the window and freaks the fuck out.
It’s her reflection. That’s obvious, right?
Wally writes a letter to the Bensons whining at them for not coming back to West Virginia earlier. He’s like, “You have to come back because I’m afraid of ghosts now :(” He also adds that Mr. Malloy is visiting Ohio to see if he wants his old job as a coach back. That’s some serious procrastination.
Caroline wants to do a story about theaters in Buckman, and Eddie lets her, since they’re really lacking for material. Caroline finds a story about the oldest theater in Buckman, that once played a film with Mary Pickford. Caroline’s all like, “OMG, maybe I would have an aura if I had Mary Pickford curls.” She makes a copy of Mary Pickford’s photo from the article, then cuts Mary’s face out of it and puts a photo of herself behind it to see what she looks like. The days before Face Swap, man. A boy in the library notices her making copies, but Caroline doesn’t think much of it.
It turns out that the boy is one of the other kids making a newspaper. After Caroline leaves the library, he steals the article that she was reading and plagiarizes it in the paper — except instead of using the actual picture of Mary Pickford, he uses one of the copies of Caroline’s face ‘shopped onto Mary’s. What kind of dumbass doesn’t notice that 10-year-old girls from the 2000s don’t look anything like teenage silent film actresses? The rival paper comes out with Caroline’s face on Mary Pickford’s head, and she’s hella embarrassed by how dumb she looks. The Hatfords and Malloys are both like, “You know, that hair wasn’t really a good look even back then.” Caroline starts crying, and even Wally feels kind of bad for her. They quickly reassure Caroline that barely anyone will notice, and it seems like the rival paper just plagiarized a bunch of stories from elsewhere, so no one will take it seriously anyway.
The picture gives Eddie an idea that they should put a baby picture guessing game in the paper — you know, put all their baby pictures in, and see if people can guess who’s who. The Hatfords all flip out, because they don’t want giiiirls seeing their embarrassing baby pictures. Whatever, guys. You’re going to have to give your baby pictures to your entire middle school in a few years, anyway! Both my grammar and high school yearbooks had our baby pictures in them. Eddie won’t back down, though, and the boys storm off.
The next day, Mrs. Hatford tells the boys that Eddie called her straight up and asked for baby pictures, and she gave them to the Malloys. The boys flip out, again, some more. This is stupid. The girls are also putting their baby pictures in the paper, so it’s not like the embarrassment is one way. Well, whatever. The boys are pissed, and decide that it’s time to strike. They’re going to unionize and bust the trusts!
So the boys go marching up to the Malloys holding signs. Josh’s says “INVASION OF PRIVACY” because I guess he really liked “Bodak Yellow.” We all did, Josh. Mr. Malloy comes back from Ohio, and is pissed to find a bunch of boys protesting in their front yard. He tells the girls to talk it out with the Hatfords, and the girls reluctantly bring the boys in to negotiate. They plan to bribe Peter with cookies so that he’ll vote with the girls, but they’re out of cookies. The boys outvote the girls, and they have to give the pictures back.
The paper runs the next day, and everyone’s happy. The parents are all proud of their kids, and they gather ’round to celebrate — the dads talk about work and sports, and Mrs. Malloy compliments Mrs. Hatford on her baking skills. WHAT DECADE IS THIS? Wally and Caroline are lying together under a tree, while Wally tells Caroline facts about worms. Aw.
Their little party is interrupted by the lady Caroline interviewed about her sister. They were named Tessie and Bessie Crane, but Caroline mixed their names up in the paper, so now everyone thinks that Bessie is alive and that Tessie is dead and also a jerk. Oops. The Hatford parents calm her down by reminiscing about the past — Tessie tells Mr. Hatford that she had a big old crush on his dad, like anyone wants to hear that — and the girls offer to print a retraction in the next issue, along with a picture of Tessie. Tessie is won over by the idea of showing everyone in Buckman a picture of her in a nice dress. And that’s the end of that.
Wally, meanwhile, is still freaking out over the possible body in Mr. Oldaker’s store. One night, his parents take his brothers bowling — Wally refuses to go, because he hates bowling — so he sneaks out to go break into the store. He dresses in all black, because at least someone is committing to the mid-2000s preteen goth aesthetic here. Wally hides out and tries to spy on Mr. Oldaker through a window. Mr. Oldaker opens the trapdoor to the cellar, and Wally sees a light on down there. Then Mr. Oldaker leaves, and Wally tries to watch some more. He sees the trapdoor open a bit, then close, and he panics that whoever’s down there saw Wally watching.
Wally runs all the way home, and decides that if he hears about anyone being murdered, he’ll tell his parents about the cellar. Heh. Way to be proactive, Wally.
The Hatfords and Malloys print the second issue of the paper, with Beth’s story about the haunted house. Caroline’s all reminiscing about how awesome it was to dress up as Shirley Temple and see a ghost, and then she’s like, “OMG, the ghost girl also kind of looked like Shirley Temple.” She realizes that it was just her reflection, but the kids have already taken the paper down to the bookstore. Later, Mr. Hatford calls, and tells the kids that the family who owns the house is actually just on a six-month trip to Europe, and they probably won’t be too happy to find out that people think their house is haunted.
This is stupid. Why do people in this town care so much what a bunch of middle schoolers are doing? Mr. Hatford adds that a sheriff car has to go out and check on the house now that the kids have announced that nobody lives there, which is also stupid because NOBODY IN THIS DAMN TOWN LOCKS THEIR DOORS ANYWAY. Caroline adds that the yard is full of trash and the house is falling down, so it’s not like it’s hard to tell that nobody lives there. Heh. Maybe that family should’ve stayed home from Europe and cleaned their damn house.
Anyway, given that all of their big attempts at stories have been total fuckups, the Hatfords stick close to home for the third issue and write a story about Mr. Hatford’s dad. You know, the one Tessie wanted to bang and very appropriately told his son and grandkids about. Apparently he was an anthropologist. This becomes relevant in the last five pages of the book, when Mr. Oldaker calls and tells Wally that he’s ready for the kids to get the scoop about what’s in his cellar.
The kids all go to the bookstore, and Mr. Oldaker introduces them to an anthropologist from Morgan State University. MSU is A) a real place and B) a historically black college. Is there a black person running around this white bread town? I’m shocked. (By the way, the college that Mr. Malloy coaches at is meant to be West Virginia Wesleyan, if you were interested.) The anthropologist guy says that he read some of Grandpa Hatford’s papers, which made him think that there might be remains of an prehistoric settlement under the town. Mr. Oldaker’s bookstore is the only place in town that still has a dirt cellar floor, so anthropologist guy was digging around there. He found some bones and pottery and shit, and now his thesis is going to be awesome and he won’t end up unemployed and struggling to pay his student loans. The town paper is also going to run the story, but Mr. Oldaker says the Hatfords deserve to write about it first, since it was Grandpa Hatford’s research that started it all.
The kids write the story, and the whole town is happy for them and agrees to forget their other fuckups. (Except presumably the family with the haunted house, but they’re stuck in Europe, so fuck ’em.) They get the final edition of the paper framed and give it to Mr. Oldaker to remind him of the one time his store was relevant. It’s only then that the girls realize that the boys have added a paragraph to the front page taking credit for the entire paper. Whatever, it’s not like anyone will believe it. I mean, they’re saying Peter contributed to the paper. PETER.
THE END.
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