We return to the boys and girls, who, after four books, hate each other slightly less than before. They have been brought together by Christmas, snow, cookies, and cat vomit. They placed their trust in Peter more times than they should have. Caroline stole Wally’s underwear and wore them to school (ew). Beth and Josh like-like each other. Eddie still won’t shut up about getting on the baseball team. Mr. Malloy got paint on his jacket and is now making his not-even-teenage daughters fork over $175 from their piggy banks. And I guess the abaguchie’s still hanging around, although we haven’t heard about it in a while.
So what’s this book about? A traitor among the boys, presumably. The back cover wonders “But which boy has loose lips?” Oh, I don’t know, maybe the one that has been unable to keep a secret since the first book?
Also, as always: cover time! Clearly it’s Eddie holding the snowball, whilst Peter and one of the other boys (I think it’s Wally) frolic in the snow behind her, oblivious. As you do.
Hatfords, a week after New Year’s. The boys are trying to think of New Year’s Resolutions, per the orders of Mrs. Hatford. Why she’s so obsessed with resolutions, I’m not sure. Nobody I know has ever made them. Anyway, Jake comes up with a group resolution: they will very benevolently let the girls stay in Buckman, so long as they “play by [the boys’] rules.” Sigh. Anyway, the boys agree. After all, it’s not like the girls are there because of their parents, or the Bensons’ parents, or their parents’ jobs, or the Bensons’ parents’ jobs, or anything. Whatever. So Mrs. Hatford comes back in and Jake says that they’ll let the Malloys live in Buckman (if they want to! [God, I hope they don’t want to {Please let them move back to Ohio}]) after their year is up. Mrs. Hatford is like, uh, excuse me? Are they renting their house from you? Get it, Mrs. Hatford! Josh says that they just mean that they won’t torture them anymore. Mrs. Hatford is like, “And what does he mean by that, Wally?” God, it sucks to be Wally. So Wally recaps the events of the past four books for us, savoring the good memories — “Remember that time we trapped Caroline in a cellar?” “Yeah, that was awesome.” — and Mrs. Hatford is like, “My God, I’m amazed that family even talks to us at all.” “Well, they’ve done stuff to us, too!” sputters Jake. “All it deserved, I imagine,” says Mrs. Hatford. Ha! Anyway, she makes the boys promise that this year, they will be nice to the girls. “FOREVER?” Wally gasps. I know! Being polite to your neighbors! The horror. Mrs. Hatford tells the boys she wants them to treat the girls as if they were their sisters, then stalks out. Around the kitchen table, the boys grin evilly. After all, siblings don’t always get along, do they? They just won’t, you know, lock anyone in the toolshed anymore. Or peer into their bedrooms (oh God, I still cannot get over how gross that was). “Especially Beth’s!” Josh pipes up. What, because looking in Eddie or Caroline’s window would be totally cool? So gross. D:
Anyway, getting away from the icky icky Hatford boys, the Malloys are reading the morning paper! The town of Buckman is turning two hundred years old on January 21st, apparently. Aw. I should’ve gotten this entry up on January 21st. Oh, well. Happy belated birthday, Buckman! Eddie snarks that if she were turning 200, she’d expect the biggest birthday party of her life. Hee. ILU Eddie. (Oh, and she’s wearing a baseball uniform as pajamas because, if you recall, Eddie is the tomboy.) Beth says that it doesn’t interest her at all. What a coincidence, you don’t interest me either, Beth. -__- Mrs. Malloy says that the “Buckman Community Players” (that has to be one of the saddest names for an acting troupe ever) will be putting on a play — “Can anyone try out?” Caroline asks (you will recall that she is the aspiring actress of the girls). Yup, conveniently, the theater is looking for three girls. Hey, I think the protagonists of this book series contain three girls! Caroline immediately starts babbling about the play and tries to convince Beth and Eddie to try out with her. “I’d rather have all my teeth pulled than stand up onstage and act stupid,” says Eddie. Heh.
Then the doorbell rings, and who should be there but Peter? Because, you see, Beth is addicted to baking cookies, and Peter is addicted to…eating them, I guess. He tells the girls that he and his brothers have made a resolution (well, he calls it a “revolution”, bless his soul). “So what was it, Peter? What are you going to do?” asks Caroline. “Be nice to you,” Peter says. The girls are in shock, as you might be if the people who once dumped dead animals near your house suddenly pledged to be nice to you. Eddie asks how, exactly, the boys plan on being nice — I mean, sure, it’s great of them to not trap them in cellars anymore, but it’s not like that’s the epitome of politeness. Peter chirps that they’re going to treat them like sisters! The chapter ends there, ominously.
Morning at the Hatford house. Blah blah Wally likes to study things, everyone thinks he’s a freak, etc. Also, January in West Virginia is cold. I’m sure you’re shocked by that. Jake suggests that they leave early so they don’t have to run into the girls and — horror of horrors — be nice to to them. So they head out, but run into the girls anyway. Heh. Josh and Beth say “hi” to each other, because they like-like each other. “Isn’t it nice that we’re all being friendly?” Peter chirps, like, shut up, Peter. Caroline starts babbling about the play and how she’s going to be in it (I love you Caroline, but you haven’t even auditioned yet!). Wally: “What are you going to be? The dog?” ~Oh snap~ Then he remembers that he’s supposed to be being nice and adds, “I mean, is it a play about people or animals?” HEE! Jake says that he’d rather have his fingernails pulled out than be in the play. Jake/Eddie bodily-mutilation OTP!
And then they get to school and Jake makes a snowball to throw at Eddie. “Treat them like sisters, remember?” Oh, Jake. Except the second he throws it, Eddie moves out of the way and it hits…their principal right in the face. Oops. The principal is like, “The fuck is this?” and pulls out his handkerchief (hee!) to wipe the snow off. Eddie’s like, “Sorry. I missed.” And everyone is like WHAT? and she’s like, “That snowball was thrown to me and I didn’t catch it. I’m practicing for baseball season.” Eddie! What are you doing?! Jake turns himself in for throwing it and Principal Handkerchief (Mr. Kelly, whatever) says that they’ll have to stay inside during recess and write “I will not play catch with snowballs” one hundred times. Omg, may this turn out like that episode of So Weird where Jack and Annie were stuck in endless detention and had all that weird sexual tension all over the place — anyway. Also, if Eddie plays catch with snowball again, she’s banned from trying out for the baseball team! Quelle horreur! The boys go inside and Beth is like, “Dude! Eddie! The hell was that?” and Eddie points out that Mr. Kelly said that if she doesn’t throw any snowballs, she’s not banned from the team, and she can try out in spring! Wait, what? That seems awfully convoluted. Just ask if you’re allowed to try out. Or better yet, just show up and be all “Ain’t no rule~” in the spring. Well, whatever. Also, Eddie has a ~plan~ for Jake after school. Dun dun dun!
So, after school. Wait, what? We’re not getting a filler chapter of Caroline harassing Wally in class? I’m disappointed. Anyway, the girls lie in wait for the Hatfords, and when the boys turn a corner, they jump on Jake and stuff him with snow and then run away in opposite directions. And the boys, for some reason, chase Caroline. Dudes, it was Eddie’s idea! Caroline runs…right into the Hatfords’ backyard. What? Caroline, you’re usually smarter than this. (Or…well, then again, she was the one that went into a cellar on Wally’s word, so maybe not.)
Hatfords. This chapter is kind of weird, because usually the books are told in 3rd-person limited, from Wally and Caroline’s points of views. We get a bit of Jake in this one, though, and…maybe Phyllis Reynolds Naylor just slipped up? It happens to the best of us. (She should’ve gone the L.M. Montgomery route and added in footnotes for her own books, though. That would’ve been awesome.) Anyway. Jake is confused as to why Eddie took the blame for him, and then tried to suffocate him with snow. “There was absolutely no understanding girls.” Aw! Jake is sad that Eddie sat at his lunch table but then told all her friends that she didn’t like him.
Anyway, they march Caroline into the house. Wally’s like, “Can we just let her go and have a snack?” Hee. Jake is like, “Why did Eddie ambush me?” and Caroline’s like, “Dude, I don’t know.” Suddenly the phone rings, presumably Mrs. Hatford. Jake panics that Caroline will start screaming and their mother will find out that they’ve kidnapped her, so he tells Wally to tie a dish towel around her mouth, while Josh ties Caroline’s arms to the chair. Er…this is very awkward. They manage to get their mom off the phone and then deliberate: what’s the right punishment for the odious crime of stuffing snow in your mouth? (Wally: “Drop ice cubes down her back?”) They settle on forcing her to bake them brownies (at Peter’s suggestion. Of course).
But alas, Caroline is smarter than the boys and fills the brownies with peas, mushrooms, and lima beans before going home. How wacky! The boys are dismayed and have to eat the brownies anyway before their mother gets home. This, perhaps, sums the whole scene up:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A]
Anyway, Caroline goes home and — of course — relays the whole story dramatically to her sisters. They all have a hearty laugh, and then Caroline goes upstairs to get dressed for her audition for the prestigious community play. This is also the part of the book where we find out that Caroline owns a leopard-print skirt. But I can’t really judge, since I owned a cow-print jacket at her age. I was a stylin’ eight-year-old. She also ropes Beth into going along with her, possibly because if left to her own devices, all Beth does is read stupid books and be a buzzkill.
The Buckman Community Players. The director tells everyone the plot of the play: once upon a time, there were two families both alike in dignity, one with only sons, and one with only daughters — and then Caroline volunteers to be one of the daughters, who was apparently a ~troublemaker. I guess the director continues with the story, but we never hear it. (Not that I was deeply invested in the backstory of a fictional town anyway.) Auditions begin and some bitch named Tracy Lee is all up in Caroline’s business. Apparently she’s such a good actress she makes Caroline nervous, but never fear, our protagonist wins the role. Tracy is made her understudy, and pouts somewhere in the background. Oh, and Beth gets the part of the oldest daughter — who’s macking it with the other family’s son, Elmer (Elmer? For real?) — because she’s the tallest girl there. On the way home, Beth wonders who will get the part of Elmer: “I hope it’s someone cute.” Caroline: “Like Josh Hatford?” OMINOUS.
(By the way, as much as I like these books, I feel that they would have been vastly improved if they were about Wally/Caroline or Jake/Eddie’s Slap-Slap-Kiss instead of Josh and Beth being stupid and boring and moony over each other for 300 pages.)
Casa Hatford. The peas, mushrooms, and lima beans are missing! Mrs. Hatford is scandalized. And suspicious. “You hate lima beans!” “Uh…we were hungry!” And…that’s about it. Blah blah Peter comes close to spilling the beans blah. The next day, Wally finds a note addressed to Josh under the door with the letters cut-and-pasted from magazines (you know the kind) that reads: Someone really likes you. To find out who, come to the theater tonight and say you came to see about Elmer.
If you did not realize that it was Caroline Malloy who wrote that note, and that the “someone” is Beth, please close this window now, and never darken my doorway again.
(And by that I actually mean, “Dude, I totally didn’t get that it was her the first time either.” Look, I was a dumb kid.)
Anyway, Josh asks Wally to go with him, since Jake would make fun of him. Wally’s all happy that his big brother wants do something with him instead of Jake. Aw!
Wally and Caroline’s fourth-grade-classroom of pranks, hijinks, and grade school amour: Caroline asks Wally if he liked the brownies. Wally tells her that they were delicious, and Caroline is disappointed that her prank went unacknowledged. That’s…really all that happens here.
Evening at the Hatfords. Josh and Wally ~covertly~ sneak out of the house to go see about Elmer. “Who’s Elmer?” “Never heard of him.” Hee! They go to the theater and are like, “We…came to see about…Elmer?” and the dude that opened the door is like, “AH! ELMER! SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU!” and Wally and Josh are like, This shit is weird. They walk in and see Beth and Caroline. Shenanigans!
Caroline, meanwhile, is all aflutter that her plan worked, although she hadn’t been expecting Wally to show up. The director casts Jake as Elmer and Wally as the other son, Clyde. Hilariously, Wally immediately starts backing up and shaking his head all Oh, hell no. Josh, though, is transfixed by the awfulness of the set and points out that the horses are all wonky. The woman painting the set is like, “Dude, I know,” and Caroline’s all, “Josh can paint!” So Josh agrees to paint the set and be Elmer and Wally kind of doesn’t say anything, so roped into being Clyde he is! (Josh holds Beth’s hands and tells her that when he met her, ~everything changed~, while Wally sits in the corner and chews a piece of clover. Ha!) On the way home, Beth wonders what made Josh volunteer to be in the play. Caroline’s like, “Who knows? But he’s nice, amirite?” Beth doesn’t say no.
The next day after school, Peter storms over to the Malloys and demands to know why Caroline put lima beans in the brownies. And Caroline’s like, “Aha! So you did notice! And also, uh, because you tied me to a chair? Seriously, just ask next time.” Peter’s like, “Jake was really mad.” (Really, though, who gives a fuck what Jake thinks?) and Caroline’s like, “Dude, so was I.” Jake/Caroline OTP! Everything is wrong with me. Eddie points out that didn’t the Hatfords agree to be nicer to them? And Peter tells her about the whole treat-them-like-sisters thing. “I see! A loophole!” Eddie says. Then she proposes a deal: Peter will come over to the Malloys’ every few days and tell them what his brothers were up to, in exchange for cookies. Er…is this not almost exactly what happened in the last book? Except with cookies instead of a Matchbox car? And underwear instead of secrets? Beth asks if Josh likes her and Peter’s like, “I think so.” Then Beth asks what went down at Casa Hatford last night and Peter tells her, “Josh said he was in a play and had to hold hands with you and get married and Jake said he was crazy.” HEE!
We skip back to last night after Josh and Wally return home from being Elmer and Clyde. Josh says he has to be in the play if he wants to paint the scenery, and he really wants to paint the scenery. “Yeah! Josh is a way better painter than the one they have!” Wally chirps up because he wants to be Josh’s BFF. Aw! Peter asks if they get to watch and Wally’s like, “I guess so,” visions of clover dancing in his head. Jake asks what Josh’s lines are, and Wally tells him about how ~everything changed~ when Elmer met Annabelle. “Who’s Annabelle?” “Just some girl,” mumbles Josh. Jake keeps whining about it — like, dude, Jake, why do you even care? — until finally Josh snaps, “If I want to paint scenery, that’s my business, and who gives a fuck what I have to say to Beth Malloy if I get my name in the program?” and Jake is like, “Everything changed when you met BETH MALLOY?” and then he storms out of the room all in a huff because Josh is hanging out with Wally. Peter’s like, “Beth’s nice,” and Josh is like, “Can everyone just gtfo?”
The next day at breakfast, the family muses over the fact that it will soon be Wally’s birthday. He’ll be ten years old! Ah, to be in grade school again. Mrs. Hatford reveals that Caroline’s birthday is the day after Wally’s, and she suggested that Caroline and Wally celebrate their birthdays together. Wally’s like, “Dude, I don’t want to spend my birthday with the Crazie!” and Mr. Hatford’s like, “Seriously, you could’ve asked him.” Mrs. Hatford guiltily tells Wally that they can just invite the girls over in the afternoon and have Wally’s real party at night. Wally’s like, “Whatever.”
Chapter Ten is one page long, and is one of the Hatfords’ letters to the Bensons. Wally tells them that they are all going insane. I can’t argue with that.
Meanwhile, at Casa Malloy, Caroline is equally unthrilled about spending her birthday with Wally. Even Beth, she of little character, is like, “Do we each have to get him a present?” Mrs. Malloy is like, “Look, this will be painless, stop whining,” and Eddie says, “I doubt it.” Heh. ILU Eddie. Caroline muses that they and the Hatfords seem “destined” to live overlapping lives. Well, yes, Caroline, you guys are the main characters of a book series. It’s bound to happen!
The next evening after rehearsal, Beth asks Caroline if she thinks that Josh likes her. Yes, ask the eight-year-old for relationship advice. Also, Tracy Lee is still a bitch. If you were wondering.
Caroline and Wally’s birthday party of extreme reluctance. Caroline ~notices~ that Josh and Beth both blush when they look at each other. Sixth-grade romance! Mr. Hatford tells some wacky tales about the postal service. Then it’s time for gifts! The Malloys give Wally an “electronic game,” presumably for his Gameboy Color or something. The Hatfords give Caroline a mirror, as Wally puts it, “So you can look at yourself all day if you want.” Banter! They bring out the cake, which is chocolate chiffon. Jake teases Caroline about that time she threw a chocolate chiffon cake in the river. A callback to the very first book! How far we’ve come. Everyone gets on swimmingly and for five minutes it looks like they might be friends after all. Then the Malloys leave and the girls put their hoods up, only to find that the boys have filled them with lima beans. A callback to several chapters ago! This book is very self-referential. It ought to be studied.
The day before opening night. Caroline asks if they’re going to give her flowers and Mr. Malloy is like, “Why would we do that? Are you dying as soon as the show is over?” Caroline’s all, “Actresses always get flowers at the curtain call.” The Parents Malloy school her on being humble and Caroline’s just like 😐 Also, Eddie isn’t interested in the play, because she wants to play baseball. We get it.
At school, Caroline asks if Wally is going to send her flowers, and if he thinks they’ll be in plays together when they’re in high school. Wally’s like, “Oh, God, do you mean you’re still going to be around when we’re in high school?” And Caroline’s like, “Well, if we are,” and Wally’s like, “No. I will never be in a play again. And I am never going to send you flowers.” Caroline’s like, “Oh.”
Final rehearsal. Caroline and Beth get all dressed up in their 1800s costumes and Eddie grudgingly admits that they look pretty and she almost wants to look pretty too. Oh, Eddie. Caroline feels all tired, but gives a good performance because that bitch Tracy Lee is trying to stare her down from the audience. Everyone tells each other to break a leg, and Caroline is scandalized. “What a terrible thing to say!” Hee.
The next day, Caroline wakes up with a fever. Oops. Mrs. Malloy calls the director and arranges for Mr. Malloy to give Caroline’s costume to Tracy Lee. Aw! Caroline tries to put her costume on and nearly falls down the stairs. This is just sad, you guys.
Over at Casa Hatford, the boys are preparing. Josh thinks about how he wishes people would come see his painting, and then leave before he has to tell Beth that ~everything changed~ when he met her. “On the other hand, if he had to say [it] at all, he’d rather say [it] to Beth than any other girl he could think of.” Beth/Josh OTP! Jake, presumably still bitter that Josh has another BFF, grumbles that he sees Josh and Wally acting stupid every day, why would he go to a theater and see them act dumb onstage? Mrs. Hatford threatens him with chores, and Jake goes to put on his “coat and cap.” In the ’90s? For some reason I’m picturing him with one of those 1900s-newsboy caps. I don’t even know.
AND THEN. The performance goes off fairly well, until Josh tells Beth that when he met her, ~everything changed~. Tracy Lee tries to go onstage to say her lines, but then Caroline shows up, yanks her back offstage, and stumbles on trying to recite her lines her pajamas. Oh, Caroline. I can’t. Mrs. Malloy tries to rush her offstage and Caroline wails that she has to be in the play. “I’ll be the sickly daughter! I am sick!” Eventually they manage to drag her offstage and everyone’s kind of like, “Well…that happened.” Wally, to his utter surprise, feels kind of bad for Caroline. Aw.
(Oh, and Tracy Lee bitches at Beth about Caroline like, dude, it’s not like Beth knew it was going to happen, either.)
Back at Casa Malloy, Caroline tells Beth and Eddie that she had “the most awful dream” that she went onstage in her pajamas. “It could have been worse,” chirps Beth helpfully. “You could’ve been naked!” “It didn’t really happen, did it?” asks Caroline. Oops. Eddie and Beth admit that it did and Caroline wails that she wants to go to a convent. My lapsed-Catholic self always giggles when non-Catholic characters say lines like that. You’d have to convert, Caroline!
Finally, Caroline is ready to returned to school. (It’s mentioned that Wally has been bringing her homework to the house. OTP!) Everyone kind of side-eyes her when she walks in. Wally kind of starts in on her, but Caroline shuts him up by going on about all the horrific details of her illness. She claims that she had the highest known temperature of any nine-year-old that lived to tell about it. I…somehow really doubt that, but whatever. You do you, Caroline.
And then it snows! Meanwhile, the boys muse over how the girls are…a lot nicer than they used to be? Ominous. Except then they immediately start a fight with the boys for no reason that any of them can figure out. Nice. They build snow forts and have a snowball fight. A few hours after the fight, the Hatfords go out to go smash the Malloys’ fort, but the Malloys ambush the Hatfords from within the Hatfords’ own fort. “How did they know we were coming?” asks Wally. There’s a pause, then all the boys shout, “PETER!”
Then they go smash the Malloys’ fort for real this time. Jake wishes they had a way to let the girls know it was them who smashed the fort. “We could pee on it,” suggests Wally.
Jake: “You’re really weird, Wally, you know?”
Then the girls take apart the boys’ fort and rebuild it in front of their door. Hee.
Back at Casa Malloy, Mrs. Malloy is thinking of buying a painting from a gallery in a place called Elkins (which I guess is a few hours away? Something like that). The girls support her decision. This will be important later. Peter comes over and eats a lot of cookies. This part is really boring.
Anyway, a few days later, there’s a winter storm warning and all the kids are let out of school early. The Malloys get home but weirdly, Mrs. Malloy isn’t there. They check the calendar and oops, she went to Elkins at noon to go get the painting. It’s already half-past two and she’s not home. Ominous!
Meanwhile, over at Casa Hatford, Peter’s whining that they never have any cookies, and the Malloys always have cookies. The Hatfords are like, “How do you know?” and Peter’s like, “Because they give me some every time I go over there!” And the boys are like, “Oh, crap, look, the girls don’t give you cookies every day for nothing,” and Peter immediately lets the secret out by saying, “I won’t tell you what they asked me to do!” Oh, Peter. Jake figures it out and is like, “You went over there and told them we were going to knock over their fort!” and Peter’s like, “I did not! I called them up!” Hee! Anyway, Wally tells him that he’s either with them or against them (Wally Hatford has a very promising career in politics), because only loyal people can be “in the brotherhood.” Again, hee. So Peter calls the Malloys up and tells them that he can’t give away Hatford secrets anymore because “I have to be a brotherhood.” HA!
Oh, but Beth is crying. Josh takes the phone and then offers to come over and keep her company, because he like-likes her. He hangs up and tells them that Mrs. Malloy is missing and they can’t reach Mr. Malloy. He asks if Wally and Peter want to come (and none for Jake, bye!) and Peter’s like, “I thought you said I couldn’t go over there again,” and Josh is like, “Dude, this is not the time to be taking what we said seriously.” And Jake comes along too because he wants to be Josh’s BFF again.
Casa Malloy. Mrs. Hatford calls wondering where the hell her kids are, and Caroline tells her that they’re keeping the girls company because Mama Malloy is missing. Mrs. Hatford says she’ll “page” (!) Mr. Hatford (who you will recall is a part-time policeman) on his “beeper” (!!) and in the meantime, they should sit tight. Peter eats some cookies. “What if she’s lost in the snow? How long can she sit without freezing?” wails Caroline and everyone’s like, “Dude, that is so not helping.”
A few hours and several rounds of Monopoly later (and I commend them for this choice, since you can play Monopoly for days), Mr. Hatford calls and tells them he’s going out in his Jeep with an ax (“In case he needs to chop somebody out of a car wreck!” chirps Peter helpfully). Then the power goes out and Caroline’s like, “We will all die” and I imagine everyone is like, “SHUT UP, CAROLINE” in perfect unison. Blah blah waiting blah. Monopoly! The cookies run out! “This is how they’ll find us,” wails Caroline. “Seven frozen popsicles who might’ve grown up to be a contender famous, frozen in our blankets, alone — ” And then the power comes back on and everyone is relieved they don’t have to listen to Caroline’s portents of doom anymore. Mr. Hatford tells them that he found Mrs. Malloy — apparently her car went off in a ditch. It’s slow going getting back, but they’ve got a Thermos of coffee so all is well! Everyone cheers. Caroline hugs Wally.
Anyway, Mr. Malloy comes home and the boys get ready to leave. “They looked so fat,” Caroline thinks, which is so random that I started laughing. Beth thanks them for coming over and Josh says it was nothing, and then Caroline pipes up all, “With you by my side, Elmer, we can do anything!” and Wally says, “Annabelle, I never though I’d amount to much, but when I met you, ~everything changed~!” Hee!
So the boys leave and the girls sit down to have cocoa and cookies…only to realize that the reason the boys looked so fat was because they had stuffed all the cookies up their sleeves and into their pockets before they left.
THE END.
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