“The Musician’s Daughter” (or, music references and deceptive cleavage)

You know, by default, books with covers like these should be predictable: they should have a brooding male lead, a semi-interesting female lead, and purple-prose, metaphor-filled relationship that may or may not include heavily euphemized sex.

Not that it’s a bad thing that this book isn’t like that. Given the sketchy tagline (The mystery of her father’s death may lead to true love? Good to know you have your priorities in order), the fact that the story was actually good surprised me a little.

For that matter, what is up with this cover anyway? This book is marketed to teenage girls, right? What is with this trend of having heavily Photoshopped pretty girls (usually baring some cleavage and/or lying in strangely suggestive positions and/or giving the camera an intense look of intenseness) on covers of books marketed to teenage girls? Do they think that’s what draws us in? I mean, I bought the book, but…oh. Okay, I destroyed my argument a little there. But still. It’s kind of awkward carrying around a book with a cover like this. Which is weird, because the model’s pretty covered up on this one. There’s just something about the cover — and books with similar covers — that kind of weird me out.

Anyway. Onward with the review/recap. (Spoilers, obviously.)

Theresa Maria Shürman Shurman (I could have sworn there was an umlaut in there) is a 15-year-old girl living in Vienna, Austria in the year 17…something. It’s after the American Revolution, that’s for sure. Her dad is/was a violinist for Franz Joseph Haydn (yeah, that dude), who is…also Theresa’s godfather. That must be nice. My godfather is old, bald, and curses a lot when he’s drunk. (We’re Italian.)

Anyway, so the book opens with an ominous dream! on Theresa’s part — her dad comes home with new violin for her, but she breaks it and then she tries to hug her father BUT HE TURNS INTO MIST AND FLIES OUT HER WINDOW. Why aren’t my dreams ever ominous and future-predicting? And then she wakes up all, “Papa!” And then someone knocks on her door. Theresa goes to answer it and her mom’s all, “Get away from that door! People might see you in your nightie!” Um, lady, if someone’s knocking on your door at crack-thirty in the morning, chances are they have bigger worries than seeing you in your ~unmentionables.

So the visitors turn out to be three dudes from her father’s orchestra (well, Haydn’s orchestra, the prince of Hungary’s orchestra, whatever), and they are dragging in…a sack. I WONDER WHAT IS INSIDE. It’s…yeah, her dad. Oy. Theresa turns around and throws up on the horn player’s shoes (I can’t blame her, though I will take this opportunity to point out that the word “puked” is used, though I’m not sure they used it back in the 18th century…did they?), noting that they are covered in “sandy mud.” OH SNAP.

One of the orchestra dudes asks, “Are you all right, Rezia?” and Theresa knows it’s Zoltán, the youngest musician, because he’s the only one that calls her that. (Unf.) She notes that he is “still handsome” even though it’s crack-thirty in the morning and he just dragged a dead body from wherever the hell they have sandy mud all the way to Theresa’s house. I’m glad you know what’s important, Theresita.

Also, Papa Shurman’s violin is missing. Also, he’s carrying around a gold medallion that Theresa has never seen before. I wonder.

El Funeral. Theresa’s mother has basically been rendered catatonic now that her father’s dead, so Theresa has to pay for the funeral by herself, and so it is a pauper’s funeral and she feels great shame. And then she gets mad that her father is dead. This part feels sort of shoehorned in, like Susanne Dunlap totally forgot that anger is part of the grieving process and was like, “Shit! Okay, she’s mad! Yeah!” Theresa storms off, like, way to just leave your father’s funeral, damn.

Theresa asks Zoltán where her father’s violin is, but gets distracted by the color of his eyes. I know talking about her father’s death is the only time the two of them ever interact, but it’s so…inappropriately hilarious, I guess, to have her be all worried about her father’s death and his violin and then be like, “OOOH PRETTY EYES.” Zoltán’s just like, “I don’t know.” And Theresa’s all, “WHAT GOOD ARE YOU THEN, GOD” (only not out loud) and then Zoltán’s like, “Uh, okay. Want some hot chocolate?” I guess he’s read Harry Potter, then? So they get some hot chocolate and then Haydn shows up and gives Theresa her father’s Christmas bonus, because for some reason he didn’t take it with him.

And it turns out her father’s salary was the family’s only source of income. Whoops.

Theresa’s mother is still…uh, lying in bed, not speaking. As you do. She has never seen the medallion of mystery either. Theresa’s just like, “Well, you’re useful” (okay, I lie, she’s very nice about the whole thing, but someone has to be bitchy about this here) and goes off to play her viola. It’s exposited that she really wants to play the violin but the violin is too manly of an instrument, or something, so she plays the viola instead. I…will take Susanne Dunlap’s word for it, I guess.

Anyway, we need to talk about Gypsies (because what’s a book set in 18th-century Europe without Gypsies? I do know that they’re referred to as Roma/Romani now, but correct me if I use the wrong term), so Theresa talks about her boobs for a bit. Because when she’s not wearing a bra stays, then she feels like one of them. Because they don’t wear bras stays. I think there might’ve been a better segue into the topic than that, but whatever.

Hey, you know who else plays the violin? Romani!

The next day, Theresa hops off to her Uncle Theobold (her mother’s brother? uncle? brotheruncle?) to ask for money. Because he’s rich, apparently. But he didn’t like Theresa’s dad, so he just…ignored them, I guess. Which is exactly what happens, by the way. She’s greeted by an incredibly smarmy housekeeper and he’s all, “Herr Wolkenstein is not presently at home” and she’s like, “Yeah, but the lights are on and there is a Uncle-Theobold-shaped figure in the windows” and he’s like “Herr Wolkenstein is not presently at home” and she’s all “I’m his niece! My dad is dead, come on” and he’s all “Herr Wolkenstein is not presently at home.” What a dick.

(Can I just say I love the exclamation “Ach”? I think it’s awesome. I wish it was used in English.)

Theresa goes to see Haydn (and Zoltán, just saying) and he is awesome and tricked the prince into allowing Haydn to still pay Theresa’s family. Because he is awesome.

Also it turns out that Haydn is totally going blind, and Papa Schurman used to transcribe (is that the word? ugh, i fail at music so i don’t know) scores for him. And he wants Theresa to take over. Because…you definitely want a 15-year-old to transcribe all the scores you want to be played in front of thousands of people and the prince of Austria-Hungary. Yeah. And for some reason it is imperative that this is a secret? Theresa’s like, “Dude, I bet if you told the prince, he’d get you some help or a stronger prescription or something” and Haydn’s all “NEIN! I WILL USE YOU AS AN ASSISTANT! NO ONE MUST KNOW!” I…okay.

Also, Papa Schurman did not play in the Christmas Eve concert. Ominous.

Zoltán takes Theresa to where her father was murdered, and in the carriage on the way over, Theresa keeps getting tossed into him and obsessing over being so near to him EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE GOING TO HER FATHER’S MURDER SITE, DAMN GIRL.

And…they are in a Romani camp. Where nobody wears a bra. Apparently instead of playing the Christmas concert, Papa Schurman was hanging out with them and all the other musicians came later and they were all getting their orchestra on when he went off to…do something that would allow him to get murdered. And they found his body near the river. WHERE ALL THE SANDY MUD IS.

The name of the dude who drove the cart back to Vienna is Danior, by the way. He’s important.

Zoltán helps Theresa up the stairs and calls her beloved and her brain shorts out.

Theresa comes home and her mother is miraculously not catatonic anymore because…she needs to get Theresa’s dowry and marry her off for money. Ouch. Theresa’s like, “Um, I’m kind of busy finding out WHO MURDERED MY FATHER” and her mother’s just like, “Don’t be silly! The matchmaker’s coming tomorrow! No man wants a wife who can solve murder mysteries is disobedient!” (Frankly, I would marry someone who could solve murder mysteries. But that’s me.)

And Theresa’s mother sold her viola. OH, NOW IT IS ON.

Theresa decides to go to the camp by herself, because she is walking along the fine line between awesome and stupid. One of the drivers will take her there for five Gulden and she’s like, “That is too much!” because she’s stupid. So she gives him one Thaler, which is…less than five Gulden, I guess. So the driver drops her off and then starts driving away and she’s like, “Wait, where are you going?” and he’s like, “Half the money, half the trip, bitch!” Because Theresa is stupid.

The Romani are nice but scary and Theresa faints…I think…it’s not really clear. Maybe she just cries a lot. Old Roma Lady sort of hems and haws at Theresa’s questions and finally is like, “You know what? You should talk to Danior.” And Danior shows up and Theresa…thinks about how hot he is. Control those hormones, girl.

She ends up meeting a girl named Mirela, who is super nice and has a thing going with a dude named Omar. (That’s not actually important, but there wasn’t really anything else to add and I enjoy conjunctions.) They eat and drink and there is laughter and dancing and Theresa has absolutely no way of getting home. Because she is stupid. And then all of a sudden the camp gets really quiet and everyone starts packing up and Danior and another dude throw Theresa into a wagon and…take her back to Vienna? Because…the Romani are moving? I’m thinking maybe there’s an attack or something, but the camp is totally still in the outskirts of Vienna at the end of the book, and why the hell are they moving around in the same area? And then Theresa passes out. I was going to add, “Because she’s stupid” but then it turns out she hit her head. Oh.

Some Time Later. Theresa wakes up in Zoltán’s bed. Unf. There’s a pretty blonde lady puttering around the apartment who calls Zoltán “my dear” and Theresa freaks out, like, holy shit, Zoltán is married (and isn’t he only like nineteen anyway? dude — but then again Theresa’s mother is totally trying to sell her off at fifteen, so nevermind) AND SHE LET HIM BUY HER HOT CHOCOLATE! And then the lady’s like, “My name’s Alida! My brother tells me your father is dead!” And Theresa’s like, “Wait, brother? :D!”And then she has some thoughts verging on the dirty but stops herself because she’s not married. Good Lord.

Also, Theresa’s medallion is missing.

And then we get to one of the more horrific parts of the book. Seriously, Uncle Theobald is creepy, and the book doesn’t try to hide it at all. Like, the first half of the book is all la-di-da, murder mystery and sexual tension with the hot violinist, but once Uncle Theobald comes into the picture, it descends into treachery! blackmail! murder! extortion! incest! pedophilia! sex slavery! You would think he’d have some other hobbies, honestly.

So anyway, Theresa comes to his house and greets him and he’s all, “Come closer where I can see you properly” and she’s like, “Uh, Guten Tag?” and he’s all “Turn around ~~slowly~~” and then creepily comments on her body. It is so gross. And then he starts licking his lips and ugh. Run, Theresita, run!

Also, Herr Schnabl, a cellist from the orchestra, has come to Uncle Theobald’s house and is dropping off sheet music. This is important.

Theresa runs into Zoltán and finally tells him about the medallion, like, maybe he could’ve told you what it was if you had asked before, instead of now that you’ve gone and gotten it stolen. Theresa is stupid. Zoltán is like, “Well, now that you’ve done something stupid(er), I guess I have no choice but to give you more information.” Okay? Zoltán is apparently part Romani (and an orphan, because seriously, nobody besides Theresa has parents so far) and Theresa’s father was involved in some kind of…Romani rebellion? Okay, there’s a lot of talk here about serfs and barons and domains and look, politics bore me. Because…some people really really don’t want the Romani to have food? And stuff? So they killed Theresa’s father? Whatever, I’m sure they’ll repeat it near the end of the book.

Also, Haydn is missing some sheet music that he really, really needs. I hear Herr Schnabl has gotten into the sheet music smuggling business lately.

Theresa goes to get fitted for a dress and her uncle refuses to leave the room when she strips down. The dressmaker makes him turn around, but still. And then he has the dress delivered to his house so she has to change at his house. Run, Theresa. I hear Iceland is lovely this time of year.

Okay and then there is a massive infodump from Zoltán and Haydn *inhales*: okay so! Theresa’s father was a spy for the reform movement and Romani rights and snazz, and he wrote down conversations and copied documents and then he hid them in his violin case to take them from place to place, and then he would pass them to Danior, who hid them inside his own violin, and then they went through Zoltán’s sister Alida to…space. Idk. And the final transfer of these very important documents is to take place…tonight! At a ball being held by Theobald Wolkenstein! Gee, it sure is a pity that none of them are invited, RIGHT?

Except, you know, Theresa totally is. If there’s a training montage where they teach her anything useful at all to keep herself from being killed, we…do not see it. She takes her eight-year-old brother Toby as a page to the ball to keep her uncle from trying anything. (This becomes important later.)

And hey, it’s Mirela! She shows up while Theresa is getting dressed and…pretends to be her maid. Oh. Okay. And it turns out it was totally Mirela who stole the medallion because…oh, wait, they’ve run out of time. THANKS. But here’s the medallion! You might need it in case you have to extort information from old men! Bye now!

At the ball. Uncle Theobald is still creepy. He introduces Theresa to his friends, who are all looking at her, and ugh. I am twitching right now. Of course, the oldest dude there is like, “May have the ~pleasure~ of the first dance with her?” AAAH CREEPY. And then Alida swoops in, because she is awesome, and whisks Theresa off to give her her training montage. FINALLY. Except of course she gets cut off right when she’s telling Theresa what to do when she has the older dude in an empty room with her. THANKS.

So Theresa goes off and dances with the old man, and uses the power of her cleavage to distract him. I find it kind of mildly hilarious that she’s all, “YOU KILLED MY FATHER, PREPARE TO DIE” and he’s just like BOOOOOOBIES. Theresa manages to get him alone in a room and he’s all, “You are quite a pretty thing (ew ew ew) and I was hoping we could come to an ~agreement~” and Theresa’s all, “I don’t get it”  (because she doesn’t) and he’s all, “Well, you know, it was your uncle’s idea in the first place, and I am willing to pay well for certain COMPENSATIONS” and JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST, HER UNCLE IS PIMPING HER OUT. You know, when I bought this book, I thought I had signed up for a murder mystery and hot violinist romance, and instead I get creepy incestual relationships. Thanks. And then Theresa pulls out her medallion and the old dude (who is apparently a general) is like OH HELL NO and then…tries to kiss her? Because…that’s definitely how you would overpower someone? I guess? Except then Danior and a bunch of other Romani jump out of the shadows (were they watching the whole time? awkward) and tie the general up and drag him off to…bad-general-land. I don’t know.

AND THEN WHEN SHE GETS OUTSIDE HER UNCLE HAS LEFT AND TAKEN TOBY WITH HIM. There is no way that this will end up well. So she runs to her uncle’s house and the smarmy valet greets her. Toby’s not anywhere in the house, so Theresa’s like, “I demand you to show me below stairs.” And the smarmy valet is like, “OKAY! :D” and THERESA IS STUPID. And then the valet locks her in the sewer.

But then Theresa is finally awesome and finds a boat and pretty much just sails out of the sewers. (Except for one part where she’s like, “I did not spare a thought about my brother at the time. What good was worrying about him if I was going to die soon anyway?” That is cold, Theresita.) And she ends up…in the same camp that she was in the other day! That’s…convenient, I guess. Mirela pops up, and this part is actually really cute, she hugs Theresa and is all “THERESAAAA! 😀 😀 :D” Not gonna lie, I love Mirela. She’s hilarious. She and Theresa go off back to Vienna and finally the mystery of the medallion is answered: it’s a thing that people wear to show solidarity with the Romani/serf rebellion…sort of…okay, nevermind, it doesn’t really get answered at all. At least not in a way that I can squash into one sentence.

Haydn’s House. He’s alone, because his wife is out cheating on him. As you do. Zoltán pops up and is all, “Yeah, your brother is totally not at your house” and Theresa’s like, “Oh, shit.” Her uncle and his evil gang of perverts have a ransom notice, except…they think Theresa is still hanging out in the sewer. So. They give her a gun, which Theresa is horrified at — “It was not an elegant, pearl-handled dueling pistol such as gentlemen sometimes carry, but an ugly, black monster.” You so dramatic, Theresa.

Zoltán’s apartment. Theresa, Danior, Zoltán, and Maya (aforementioned Old Roma Lady, who I totally forgot was important to the plot) are meeting up to discuss their plans. Zoltán thinks they could dress Theresa up as a boy playing in the orchestra, and she’s mad that he thinks that she could so easily pass as one. Jesus, Theresa, you’re staging a rescue in the house of the dude who wants to sell you off to his weird old friends. YOU HAVE BIGGER WORRIES RIGHT NOW. Apparently her uncle has asked the orchestra to play at his house because he’s having a party to celebrate his evil-ness, or something. The Hungarian ambassador will be there, and apparently he has a “weakness for the company of young boys,” which is what Uncle Theobald wanted Toby for.

It was at this point that I put down the book and was like, oh fuck no. Seriously. I feel severely misled by the cover. THIS BOOK, I DO NOT EVEN KNOW.

Zoltán teaches Theresa how to fire a gun. As with all gun-training scenes, it is vaguely romantic, and is probably the only point where Zoltán and Theresa actually do something other than exposit about her father’s death. I don’t know, I mean, I kind of ship them, but also, not. I don’t know. They don’t really do anything but discuss her father’s death and she has a kind of vague crush on him and he’s…I don’t really know? I like Theresa as a character but I don’t see why Zoltán would be interested in her, to be quite honest. It’s mentioned that he doesn’t even know that she can actually play the viola. They’re just too unbalanced for me, I think — Zoltán outranks Theresa in pretty much everything — and while for a heroine of a novel written during the Twilight craze, Theresa is pretty strong, she doesn’t do enough awesome things to convince me that their relationship is balanced. I almost think this might’ve been better as a series or maybe just a trilogy — her father’s death sparks off her involvement in the rebellion, and she and Zoltán and Danior and Mirela and Alida and Maya form a group and They Fight Crime. There is way too much going on in this book, and while it’s nice to have there be a plot beyond the romance, the lack of character development makes it difficult to sell what little romance there is.

Uncle Theobald’s House for Evil Senior Citizens. Herr Schnabl is there, I wonder why. Theresa still hasn’t told Haydn about the sheet music coincidence. Theresa (disguised as a boy) plays the viola and it is awesome. Then after they’re done playing, they walk off to find the cellar and put their ~plan~ into motion, when one of the maids bumps into Theresa. I WONDER IF SHE WILL RECOGNIZE HER.

Uncle Theobald’s Cellar for Pedophiles. This part I found genuinely horrific, just because — dude. There are like twelve tied-up boys down there, “the youngest about five or six.” HOLY MOSES ON A CRACKER. Then the evil maid comes in with a bunch of guards. Theresa pulls out her gun and then Uncle Theobald walks in and I guess the valet is somewhere else because Uncle Theo is taking over his smarm duties. He’s all, “Your father would have been proud. He was always a little too smart for his own good too.” And then he says that he’ll tell her mother that Theresa and Toby were sold into slavery in Turkey, though I’m not really sure what he’s going to do to them? I don’t think he was ever going to kill them, but whatever.

So Theresa shoots him. And then she hits her head. Again.

Theresa wakes up in the palace where Alida lives. (Did I mention Alida was a maid of honor at court? Well, I’m mentioning it now.) Danior and Alida are apparently in love, which is…random, honestly. I mean, it gives him a good reason to be there and stuff, but…what? Okay, whatever. Moving on. Theresa leaves to go visit Haydn and considers telling him about Herr Schnabl. She’s all, “I don’t get why Schnabl would steal music, though. It just didn’t make sense. No, Schnabl was not the missing part of the puzzle. Clearly I am just tired and letting my imagination run away with me.” EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE HE TOTALLY IS, AAAAH.

So she visits Haydn and he’s all, “Herr Schnabl is loyal to the prince!” And the prince is against the whole Romani-and-serf thing, so…Schnabl is totally evil and her first instinct about him was right. Always go with your first choice, Theresa. I learned that in SAT prep.

Theresa runs around the city looking for Zoltán and finally finds him in the camp preparing to ride away with the general. And he does. And she doesn’t say anything to him. GAH.

AND THEN A BUNCH OF GUARDS COME IN AND TEAR THE CAMP APART. And they herd everyone away and set a bunch of stuff — including Danior’s fiddle — on fire. Except Mirela was hiding out under a wagon, which is now on fire, and Theresa has to drag her out. The fiddle isn’t on fire yet so they save it.

And then Theresa ups her awesome count to about 4 by tricking the dressmaker her uncle hired for her to fit her and Mirela with fancy clothes that are paid for with her uncle’s money. Ha! Theresa’s awesome:stupid ratio is something like 4:10 now.

So they trick their way into the palace to find Alida and they give her the fiddle and she gets all excited because apparently inside it are all the documents they’ve been collecting to put “them” away. I’m going to assume “them” is Uncle Theo and his friends, because it’s not really specified. And then the Romani will be free and have their lands and stuff! And Theresa’s like, “And then you and Danior could get married!” Seriously, these girl’s priorities are not right.

The next part is really weird and political and I don’t know, I understand what’s going on but it bores me to death. Basically all the Romani/orchestra dudes who were part of the resistance and were captured and being brought in front of a magistrate and somehow Uncle Theo has a hand in controlling all of this and whatever, I kind of skimmed because it’s all explained at the end anyway. Herr Schnabl shows up and is like, “I have something to tell you! About your father! It’s important! I’m not evil!” and Theresa, thank God, is not stupid and is like, “Bye, bitch” and runs.

And Danior is sentenced to…hanging? Maybe I shouldn’t have skimmed…

And then, um, Theresa runs back to the palace and tells Alida and the archduchess (who is suddenly in this story, I know) everything and yeah.

They bring the general before trial and he says that Uncle Theo told him that Theresa was a ~~lady of the night~~, which I probably should not have laughed at, but…I did. Oops.

Herr Schnabl isn’t evil after all. Sigh.

Danior is freed, Uncle Theo is arrested, this part of the book really bores me, honestly. It shouldn’t, since everyone’s lives are hanging in the balance, but I just…do not care, honestly. Oh, and Uncle Theo apparently was the one who ordered the hit on Theresa’s father, who was caught trying to free the prisoners in the Cellar of Evil, and then I guess…they floated his body out the sewer to the camp? But didn’t the camp move? It’s the same sewer, so Theresa and her father couldn’t have gone out and ended up in different places. Oh, whatever.

Haydn’s house. Zoltán is now Baron of Varga so he’s off to Hungary to manage his estate and leaving the orchestra so…that’s that, I guess. He promises to visit and then kisses Theresa on both cheeks. Seriously. That’s as far as the two of them get in the whole book. You know, I’ve read books set in the 1600s about Puritans, and even they have more action than that.

So she goes home and her mother has given birth to her new sister Anna (not a T name? That’s gonna be so sad. “These are my children, Theresa, Toby, and…Anna.”), and is blissfully ignorant of every single thing that has happened since Papa Schurman’s death.

THE END.

Awesome-to-Stupid Ratio:
Awesome: 6 (finds her way out of the sewer, shoots Uncle Theo, saves Mirela from a crispy death, saves the fiddle, tricks the dressmaker into giving her and Mirela clothes, tricks her way into the palace)
Stupid: 8 (goes to the camp alone, pays the guy only half and ends up with no way home, puts off telling Zoltán about the medallion until it’s stolen, trusts the smarmy valet guy and gets herself into the sewer in the first place, puts off telling everyone about Herr Schnabl until way too late, has her priorities in the wrong order, draws attention to herself in the court which makes everyone think she’s Danior’s lover/sister/whore, pretty much doesn’t do much — everyone else solves the mystery for her)

Huh. That was closer than I thought it would be. Still.

Also — really, Susanne Dunlap? He kisses her on the cheek? You know, the back of this book clearly says, But it is the stirrings of love for a man she only thought she knew that might prove the most astonishing discovery of them all. Um, she didn’t really discover anything new about him, just that he’s part Romani and involved in the rebellion. His personality is still the same as ever. Also, considering how much the synopsis and the blurb and the tagline discuss the ~romance~, there really is no romance. SIGH.