(Let’s pretend I posted this on time, shall we? My only excuse, really, is that life is busy right now and I’m dead inside, but I’m also really anal about having posts line up on the calendar.)
This season has gone from zero to batshit, with Manuel now being held up at gunpoint for $30k of the Colucci’s fashion fortune. I mean…honestly, only $30k? If I were a kidnapper, I’d aim higher. Is that unrealistic? I don’t know, I’ve never kidnapped anyone before. Anyway, Mia is in the middle of losing her shit, while Blas is like, “That’s rough, buddy.” Mia decides to pony up the money to get Manuel back, even if it means pawning her mom’s necklace, which is all Mia has of Mama C. Blas is like, “Sure, why not.” You’re not helping, Blas!
Lola is pouting in the bathroom, and Laura comes in to try to make up with her. Laura derps that she just doesn’t know why Lola’s mad at her. Except…she knows Lola likes Francisco! That’s why they were trying to keep it from her in the first place! I mean, I guess she didn’t realize that Lola saw her playing tonsil hockey with him, but — wait, they saw Lola kiss Francisco, too! And then Laura and Francisco had that whole talk about not wanting to break up Laura and Lola’s sisterly bond! Did Laura think that Lola macking on Francisco meant that Lola didn’t like him?
I can’t believe Laura is supposed to be one of Elite Way’s best students. Then again, that is not a high bar to clear. Anyway, Laura tries to apologizes to Lola — Lola looks like she might be moved by Laura’s speech about their sisterhood and all that, but then she covers it up and blows Laura off.
Dunoff herds Blas into the laundry room and tells him about Chopy, and how the students hiding a dog in the school must be punished. Is there a reason this meeting has to take place in the laundry room? Is Dunoff going to try to mack it with Blas? I have questions. Anyway, Blas is like, “Dogs? I don’t even know what a dog is.” Dunoff tells him he wants the students and their little dog, too. “And what should I do with the dog?” Blas asks. “Kill it and eat it,” Dunoff says. Then: “Just kidding!” Blas actually looks a little traumatized.
Pablo drags Diego into his room to find out how Operation Marizza is going. “I got nothing,” Diego derps. Then Guido waltzes in and announces that Pablo is somehow behind in the polls, even though Marizza’s done literally nothing to begin her campaign yet. Pablo panics and calls Papa B for help. Don’t do it, Pablo!
Speaking of Marizza’s campaign, she and Lujan are trying to figure out how to beat Pablo. Even though…we just established that she’s ahead of him, without even having to do anything? I don’t know. She and Lujan decide to throw a party to get votes. Well, at least they realize free food is the way to any student’s heart. They ask Laura for her input, but she’s too busy being emo over her sister to contribute. Marizza decides to meddle in Laura and Lola’s fight, as usual.
Blas asks Bianca to come see him (don’t do it, Bianca!) and tells her that they have to get rid of Chopy, since Dunoff is looking for him. “Oh, well that works out, ’cause we lost him,” Bianca chirps. Hee! Blas, unsurprisingly, is not thrilled by that solution to their problem.
Papa B meets up with Pablo at some cafe, and berates him for not correctly applying the wisdom of Sun Tzu to his high school student council campaign. Pablo asks for advice, and as ever, Papa B’s advice has something to do with using women. Does Papa B have a sex addiction? I’m just wondering. He says that Pablo needs to date the hottest girl in school, to prove that he’s a leader. Pablo presents this idea to Tomás and Guido, and Tomás derps, “But Mia’s dating Manuel.” A fascinating insight into Tomás’s mind. Pablo decides to go for Sol instead.
Dunoff finds Chopy in his office, and Gloria gets all breathy about how she loves dogs, and she has to lean really close to Dunoff to let him know it. But Dunoff hates Chopy? I don’t understand Gloria’s logic here. Anyway, Dunoff’s like, “Well, if you love dogs, you can have this one,” and Blas just has to watch him hand Chopy off to her. Hee.
Marizza goes to find Lola and talk her into making up with Laura. She’s like, “You remind me of a certain character from season 1…a rash, impulsive character…who was a total dick to everyone…and had a weird fascination with older men.” She asks Lola to join her campaign and work together with Laura, and Lola says she’ll think about it.
Oh, goody, next up is a scene about Manuel’s kidnapping, if you felt like Luisana Lopilato’s shrieking was something missing from your life. The kidnappers call and she agrees to pony up the money; they arrange the drop for tomorrow. They let her talk to Manuel for half a second, and I hate them for it because then Mia goes on screaming “MANUEL!!!” for another thirty seconds. I hate everything Luisana Lopilato’s acting chooses to be.
Blas tells Bianca that Dunoff gave Chopy away and Bianca completely flips out. She starts crying about how she never even got to say goodbye. Blas, always trying to ingratiate himself to underage girls, agrees to bring Chopy to the laundry room one last time. Lola, Francisco, and Laura join her to say goodbye, and Lola gets all pissy. She’s all like, “The thing I love most about you, Chopy, is that you never stabbed me in the back, unlike SOME PEOPLE.” Subtle! Francisco snaps back at her that she’s being a dick, then Dante jumps to Lola’s defense, then Blas is like, “Maybe stop shouting that the dog is in here?”
Bianca tries to blow past the awkwardness, and she brings out a camera and asks Blas to take a picture of them with Chopy. “Smile!” Blas says.
Mia cries and screeches some more about Manuel, and she and Blas argue over who will go to drop the money. “I’ll go,” Papa C says, appearing behind them. PAPA C! Oh, how I have missed him and his total disdain for everyone else on this show.
Back at Casa Colucci, Maria Jesus’s “fishing is the same thing as sex” metaphor isn’t working out so well. Andres yells at her for being clingy, and isn’t particularly apologetic when she gets passive-aggressive, either. He’s all, “You keep acting like we’re in a relationship!” and Maria Jesus is like, “How very dare, we are NOT in a relationship!”, as though that’s what she’s actually mad about. I don’t blame Andres for being confused; I don’t really get what her angle is anymore and I like to think I’m smarter than him most days. Maria Jesus gets all pissy and says she’ll move out.
Francisco and Laura are still hanging out, despite agreeing to break up for the greater good (the greater good!). Laura blames herself for upsetting Lola, and Francisco blames himself for causing drama between the two sisters. Then why don’t you stop doing it, Francisco? Also, they’ve had this conversation like eight million times.
Meanwhile, Lola approaches Pablo with a proposition: she’ll help him with his campaign, if he agrees to get Laura kicked out once he’s class president. I don’t think the class president can do that? On the other hand, there was a secret society running the school for like twenty years, so I guess anything’s possible here. He and Lola shake on it, and I must say, I like where they’re going with this. There’s something I just love about these two self-destructive kids.
Also, they keep cropping Pablo’s face like he’s on a Livejournal icon in 2007, for some reason. He has more than one eye, guys!
Papa C and Mia give the money to the kidnappers — Papa C brought his daughter along to the drop? For fuck’s sake — but then the kidnappers turn around and say they’re going to kill Manuel anyway. Blas rolls up on a motorcycle, as you do, and goes off to save Manuel’s ass.
So this is happening.
Maria Jesus successfully guilts Andres into asking her to stay, but he still wants to break up with her, so he enlists Sonia. Naturally, they decide to come up with a zany scheme, instead of Andres realizing that he’s 40 years old and he should know how to break up with a woman by now.
Pablo puts his plan to woo Sol into motion. He has Guido deliver her flowers, then he sits her down with a sales pitch about how he’s kind of a big deal, and he owns many leather-bound books, etc. Sol, perhaps traumatized by her close encounter with their pedophile principal, or possibly just put off by Guido’s general presence, rejects him. Pablo’s like, “Say what?”
Gloria goes to see Madame Finsky, all upset that their underwear-burning ritual didn’t actually work. Madame Finsky’s like, “Whatever, no refunds.” Then she suggests that if Gloria really wants to win Dunoff’s love, she’ll buy a special perfume that will make him crazy for her. “Fifty pesos.” HEE.
The kidnappers go back to Manuel with the money and are about to shoot him. It’s actually pretty intense — it’s probably a good thing that his hands are tied behind his back, because Felipe Colombo’s crying is a lot more effective without that weird thumb-biting thing he likes to do. Then Blas busts in at the last moment and the kidnappers knock him out, but decide to run away because Blas’s body is proof of…something. And Manuel’s body wouldn’t be? I don’t know. These aren’t very effective kidnappers. Everyone’s reunited, and Papa C’s all like, “Blas, I remember how you were perving on my teenage daughter last year, but I guess we’re cool now.” No! You guys are not cool! Dammit, Papa C!
A cursed image.
Back at school, Marizza and Lujan are trying to recruit people into PILAS. Fernanda blows them off, because politics are for the lower classes. Marizza says that Fernanda can like, teach her how to comport herself and give speeches, because Fernanda’s basically a lady now. Fernanda, who has gotten all of her ideas about nobility from Jane Austen or possibly romance novels, is taken in by this and agrees to join the party.
Lola tells Bianca to get over the whole Chopy thing and get back to helping her ruin Laura’s life. Bianca finally sticks up for herself and says she doesn’t want to get involved. Lola’s like, “What? But you’re supposed to be my spineless sidekick!” Luna would have never done this to Marizza! Lola snaps at Bianca that she’s betraying her and storms off.
Lujan runs around the lounge handing out PILAS cards to her classmates. Everyone is remarkably unenthused about politics, and get all pissy at her for trying to get them to vote. This is how the Republicans always win, guys! Lujan tries to get Marcos involved, and he blows up at her for trying to sway his vote. “Am I a boyfriend or a vote to you?” he snaps. “You’re a boyfriend who votes,” Lujan offers. Hee. But seriously, does he not want his girlfriend to tell him about her extracurriculars?
Marcos snaps that he might vote for Pablo just because Marizza’s party is full of fanatics. Shitting on political involvement and his girlfriend’s personality in one sentence! Seriously, though, that a terrible reason. Considering that these kids will protest on behalf of literally anything Marizza proposes to them, their sudden political apathy makes no sense. I also genuinely can’t tell if we’re meant to think Marcos is a douche for not caring about voting, or if Lujan is in the right. I feel like “Caring about your civic rights is lame” is not a great moral for a show called Rebelde Way to be teaching.
Pablo tells Guido and Tomás about Sol shooting him down. Tomás is like, “Maybe she hated the flowers, and also Guido giving them to her.” Heh. Pablo’s all like, “‘No’ is such an ambiguous word!” and vows to wear her down until she goes out with him.
Gloria dabs on some of Madame Finsky’s perfume and tries to seduce Dunoff. Please, God, let this subplot end so I never have to write the words “seduce Dunoff” ever again. She calls Dunoff in and asks if he notices something…a feeling…an aroma…”Uh, I am feeling something,” Dunoff says. “Yes?” Gloria prompts. “I feel it, too.” Dunoff: “You didn’t drink the water from the bathroom, did you?!” HEE. He runs off to the bathroom, leaving Gloria in the dust.
Rocco comes across Bianca crying on the stairs. Dammit! We had almost gotten through an episode without him! He shoves his camera in her face and asks what’s wrong, which is weird because I don’t think he’s ever spoken to Bianca in his life. Eventually he puts the camera down and tries to act like a normal human being. “You can trust me,” he tells her. Uh-oh. I wouldn’t go there, Bianca.
Over at Casa Colucci, Andres and Sonia put their master plan into action — they’re going to set up like they’re on a date, and start making out when they hear Maria Jesus coming. That way she’ll think Andres is a cheater, and dump him instead of making him take responsibility for his feelings and dumping her! It’s perfect! None of these people should be raising children. Naturally, it goes awry: Sonia puts on her laciest not-pants, Andres is in a robe (which shows about as much chest as his usual shirts, so whatever), and when they hear the door open, they jump on each other and start playing tonsil hockey. But it’s not Maria Jesus at the door! It’s Papa C! Who could have seen that coming?
Papa C is like, “The fuck?” and then Maria Jesus sails in. She’s either pretending to ignore what she’s seeing, or really is just that bad at reading the room, because she plants a kiss on Andres and is like, “Nothing weird is going on here!” Papa C assumes Andres is keeping some sort of weird harem in the house and kicks him out. I’m assuming this is the end of Andres? I’m finding it hard to care either way.
At the end of the day, Marizza comes back to her room, and finds “blood” on her pillow, and a bloody knife on the floor. She’s totally freaked out, as you might be, except there’s no possible place any of that blood could have come from. It’s not like they left Laura’s corpse in the bed or anything.
Leave a Reply