What’s up guys, long time no post. Sorry about that. Shortly after I posted the Shadow Ranch recap, my life went precipitously downhill — my mother’s health got worse very quickly at the start of the summer; she passed away a few weeks ago. Not to make this wacky blog depressing, but — that’s what’s been going on. It’s been a garbage summer, so let’s cap it off with a garbage Nancy Drew book, shall we?

One of my first thoughts upon reading The Bluebeard Room was “Idk why they didn’t just make it a Files book”, what with the incredibly ’80s references to cocaine and new wave music, Nancy cheating on Ned, Aunt Eloise being there…and as it turns out, this was in fact apparently a kind of “backdoor pilot” for the Files series. You can’t fool me, Bluebeard Room! I was a devotee of Sweet Valley High as a teenager, I know a janky ’80s teen novel when I read one! Anyway, like I said, this book is terrible and I am shocked that it somehow left people wanting more of Nancy’s take on sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. No accounting for taste, I guess.

So this is the book that formed the basis of The Curse of Blackmoor Manor. The book was published in 1985; while it has the same magic and witchcraft theme as the game, the book is more focused around Wicca (and drugs), which feels very ’80s-’90s, see also: The Craft and Buffy. The game, on the other hand, was totally pandering to all the millennials that read Harry Potter in 2003. (Also, instead of extraneous references to Posh and Becks, the book has extraneous references to Boy George and Billy Idol. Amazing.)

The game is a fan fave, but I’ve never really vibed with it — the concept is interesting and even genuinely creepy at times, but I didn’t think it was executed particularly well, poysonally. None of the characters are that exciting, the spooky events are thin on the ground and hard to trigger, and the visual design of the game is a ~spooooky cursed manor~ full of…garish patterns and smiling ghost stickers. Sure. I originally wrote “Is the book any better? Let’s find out” in my notes, but it became apparent within the first five pages that it’s not, so…yeah. Despite the book being pretty short, this post is going to be a long one, because I had to keep stopping to marvel at how dumb it all was.

We open in New York, where the Clue Crew is visiting Aunt Eloise for no reason I can see. They’re at a party on Long Island, hosted by “a women’s university club to which her aunt belonged.” Is that the sorority that’s also the password to Aunt Eloise’s bizarro ceiling-trap cage? Will we get an explanation to the sort of milieu Aunt Eloise belongs to where that’s a normal thing to have in one’s house? No, no we will not. Instead, everyone just gets twitterpated because this party has garnered the attention of one “Lance Warrick,” lead singer of the British rock band The Bloody Young Blokes The Crowned Heads. He’s in attendance and the Clue Crew is all excited over the possibility of meeting him.

Nancy receives a note from one “Olive Harwood”, a friend of Aunt Eloise’s, asking to speak with her. (I only mention this because the note is torn from Mrs. Harwood’s “purse pad.” Let’s all marvel at the passage of time, shall we?) Mrs. Harwood has a case for Nancy: her daughter, Lisa, recently got married to an English aristocrat named Hugh Penvellyn and moved to live with him in the UK. (Lisa’s name was changed to “Linda” for the game — possibly to avoid confusion with another character named Lisa, although the games have also had back-to-back Janes, so…I don’t know what we’re doing here.) But, Mrs. Harwood frets, Lisa’s changed! She’s emo and sickly, when she used to be so “gay and lively”! Er. Yeah. The writing in this book is funny because it’s half trying to be cool and edgy, and half the usual gee-willikers prissiness of midcentury Nancy. Anyway, despite the fact that England is killing her softly, Lisa refuses to come back to New York because she’s just so in love with Hugh and won’t leave his side (and he won’t travel with her?) which Nancy doesn’t think is a red flag because she has like, no feminist consciousness in this book. Case in point: Mrs. Harwood thinks Hugh may be poisoning Lisa, and wants Nancy to investigate. Nancy gasps that Hugh and Lisa are in love; what woman’s husband would ever commit crimes against her? See, Nancy, this is why you need Deirdre and her criminology background.

Mrs. Harwood insists Nancy get to the bottom of whatever’s wrong with Lisa, and offers to pay for Nancy to travel to Cornwall and stay with the Penvellyns. Nancy doesn’t want to do it, because she’s worried about prying into someone else’s marriage. Really, Nancy? ‘Cause I didn’t see that being a concern when you were needling Pa about his dead wife three times a day.

Mrs. Harwood shows Nancy a letter from Lisa, which contains a tiny, carved arrowhead. Nancy thinks the arrowhead might be A Clue and puts it in her inventory takes it.

Mrs. Harwood then introduces Nancy to Lance Warrick — apparently Mrs. Harwood is the reason he’s even here, as she’s distantly connected to him via Hugh Penvellyn, because all British people know each other. Lance is described as having “spiky blond hair” and being “a mixture of Mick Jagger, Billy Idol, and David Bowie.” Heh. I’m too young for those references so honestly I was just picturing him as looking like the Towers of London guy when he was on Buzzcocks. And now he’s cool!

Lance is surrounded by girls and Nancy is put off by how he seems to be enjoying the attention. She storms off before Mrs. Harwood can introduce them, thinking that all the girls fawning over Lance looked stupid. “Do I really want to be one of them?” she wonders. (Despite this, she does, in fact, fawn over Lance for the first two-thirds of this book. Nancy, I swear to God.)

The next day, Nancy’s friends applaud her for ignoring Lance. She’s not like those other girls! George crows, “Here were all these swooning females ready to fling themselves at Lance Warrick’s feet, and Nancy gives him the brush-off!” Swooning females, I swear. This book sucks.

Nancy wants to investigate that little arrowhead from Lisa’s letter, so she goes to visit one “Nigel Murgatroyd”, the proprietor of an arcana shop called “Merlin’s Den” because he’s British, get it? The book ever-so-delicately describes Nigel as “immensely fat.” Man, Bess is lucky she’s only in this book for like two chapters, because I shudder to think what creative descriptions the ghostwriter would have for her.

Nigel Megatron tells Nancy that the arrowhead is called an “elf-bolt”, “as you’ve doubtless guessed.” At no point has Nancy guessed that that’s what it was. Anyway, according to legend, elf-bolts/elf-darts cause death…somehow. (Per traditional folklore, elves shoot them at people and being struck by one causes illness/death; Nigel makes it sound like human witches also send them to their intended victims, who see them and just…end up dying eventually, I guess.) He tells Nancy that witches are real and someone must wish Lisa great harm. Then he gives Nancy a book about Wicca (she does not ever use this book to solve the mystery), telling her it’s free: “It’s my very great pleasure to assist America’s most attractive young mystery-solver!” Nigel, I’m even more embarrassed for you than I was when playing the game. And that’s all we’ll see of him! Unlike the game, Nigel does not follow us to England nor does he write a book totally ripping off our adventures in the wild west.

For some reason, the Clue Crew receives free front-row tickets to a Crowned Heads concert at Madison Square Garden. Bess gasps that the tickets are worth hundreds of dollars: she heard so on the “TV news”! The future is now!

Before going to the concert, Nancy calls Carson to tell him that she’s decided to take Lisa’s case, so she’s off to England tomorrow! Carson tells Nancy that Lisa’s father left her a large trust fund, but “now that she’s twenty-one” and married…it might go to Hugh, should something happen to Lisa, is the implication? Mainly I am perturbed by Lisa being twenty-one and married. She should be at the club! Or at least dicking around wearing infinity scarves and going to study/writing groups at the local coffee shop and using them to surreptitiously write fanfiction, which is what I was doing at twenty-one.

Nancy calls Mrs. Harwood and tells her she’ll take Lisa’s case. Mrs. Harwood gushes that she already told Lisa that Nancy was coming (jeez, slow your roll, woman). Lisa was thrilled because “She thinks so much of you, Nancy!” Lisa can join Kyler Mallory in the bin of “people who think Nancy is a good enough friend to involve in their marital problems while Nancy has never even mentioned their names before.”

The Clue Crew goes to the concert and marvels that there’s traffic around Madison Square Garden on the night of an event. Nancy gets all twitterpated when she sees Lance on stage, dressed “like a futuristic highwayman, in a cocked hat and glittering blue metallic tights, with pistol bandoliers across his bare chest and his legs encased in silver boots…” Heh. Somehow, Nancy thinks this is hot.

(The rest of the show: “Dazzling costume changes — highwayman to Indian chief to starship trooper to medieval troubadour — combined with special effects left the audience gasping. Camera crews could be seen taping the show for a rock video.” The eighties, man.)

A security guard passes a note to Nancy inviting her to the show after party. It’s signed “L.R.”, which apparently stands for “Lancelot Rex.” Again, somehow Nancy still thinks this is hot and she’s like, uncomfortably excited over the thought that Lance wants to hook up with her. She briefly considers not cheating on Ned, quote “I have a boyfriend named Ned Nickerson, who’s much more my type than this British wild man, Lance Warrick!” Calling a flamboyant rock star a “British wild man” is exactly something my grandmother would’ve said, God bless. Anyway, in classic Nancy fashion, she’s then like “Whatever” and goes all in on flirting with Lance.

The Clue Crew goes to the after party, where they meet the band’s assistant, one Jane Royce. She’s all rude and fake because she wants to bang Lance and women are catty and jealous, get it? Nancy, for her part, doesn’t like the idea of Jane “having control” over Lance, as though he’s somehow her victim and not a grown-ass man who could fire her if he wanted. (Nancy then says, “A breath of London in the outposts of empire!” [sic?], which like…is that supposed to refer to Jane? Also, is “the outposts of empire” supposed to be…the US? Because not to be American or anything, but like, we fought a war over this.) Bess naturally makes a beeline for the food and George “sternly” reminds her, “You’re on a diet, cuddles — remember?” Cuddles? This book is so weird. Then the Crowned Heads come up to the Clue Crew, and they’re flamboyant and effeminate in a way that Nancy notes that “Ned would certainly have disapproved of.” Uh, is the book implying that Ned’s homophobic?

Ned can rest assured, though, because the Crowned Heads mostly seem more like theatrical dudes who wear makeup and paint their nails (and that makes everyone think they’re sensitive and in 20 years sexual assault allegations will come out about them. Girls who liked scene boys in the 2000s know). They also all weirdly talk like gangsters you’d meet in the alleyway of a ’50s movie (“That’s what the king says, duckie!”) and they refer to Jane as the “Queen Mum” of the band because they’re British. Nancy thanks Lance for the free tickets, and Lance says he wasn’t the one who sent them. Nancy is crushed that Lance wasn’t thinking about her and it actually seems like she’s going to cry over him and it’s super embarrassing. Lance tells her she can come to his after-after party if she still wants his dick, but Nancy thankfully declines.

The next day, Nancy tells Bess and George about a crazy discovery: last night, someone put cocaine in her purse! I am actually shocked by this, I must say. Cocaine! In a Nancy Drew book! Nancy doesn’t even smoke, as we know, unless she’s on fire. She calls the police, who ask if she saw anyone who might’ve put it in her bag. Nancy briefly recalls seeing a mysterious figure while she was at the party, but doesn’t tell the cops about it for some reason. The cop tells her that it’s good she didn’t succumb to Lance Warrick’s wily charms, because the police had gotten a tip that there’d be drugs at the band’s after-after party and raided it. Someone was trying to set Nancy up! Horrors!

Mrs. Harwood tells Nancy that she’s booked her on a flight to London — she can pick her ticket up from the travel agent, who also has “enough traveler’s checks to cover all expenses.” Then, on the flight over, Nancy chats with the “Japanese electronics salesman” in the seat next to her. Heh. The eighties!

In the airport, Nancy just so happens to run into the Crowned Heads, who are back from their tour in the States. (The bass player calls her “Red” and the book goes off on a tangent about how “No one at home ever called her that — her hair shone too lustrously golden for such a monochromatic nickname.” God forbid the reader think Nancy’s hair is red and not TiTiAn GoLd.) Anyway, they’re all like, “Blimey! Bloody ‘ell! Stone the crows!” over seeing her, and Lance insists that she ride into the city with them. Nancy gets all twitterpated — she can somehow tell that Lance is genuinely pleased to see her, unlike when he fakes being happy around his groupies! Because Nancy’s not like other girls! Then he tells Jane to cancel his plans so he can have lunch with Nancy. Jane is pissy about it, which we’re supposed to think is because she’s catty and jealous and not because Lance is making her job difficult.

Nancy calls Lisa, who wants her to come to Cornwall straightaway to start working on her case. Nancy’s like, “I would, but this dubiously hot rockstar just asked me out, so…your mental breakdown and possibly abusive husband can wait, right?” Blah blah Lance takes Nancy to a bunch of London sights blah blah he hits on her and she strokes his ego about what a genius musician he is and how the London Symphony will be playing his compositions one day blah. (By the way, the Crowned Heads’ music is described as such: “You started out as a mix of punk and heavy metal, and then got more and more new wave and progressive. But right now…Your music is different from anything else on the rock scene today.” Heh. As if Nancy’s ever listened to punk or metal in her life.)

Jane interrupts their date, telling Lance that the band’s old bass player (“Ian Purcell”) is back in town and demanding that Lance come see him. The band apparently kicked Ian out because he’s hooked on drugs, which as we know, was a total dealbreaker for bands in the ’80s. Lance snaps, “What a freaking bore!” I love that he’s supposed to be a combo of Mick Jagger, Billy Idol, and David Bowie, but he can’t swear or snort coke because he’s in a Nancy Drew book.

Intriguingly, Ian has just come back from the very part of Cornwall where Lisa lives (“Polpenny”), so Nancy comes along to visit him. Nancy finds out that Ian had been visited by an art dealer; said art dealer tells her that Ian had apparently seen a duplicate of a statue called the “Golden Mab” (not a real thing, by the way) — the Golden Mab has long been rumored to be one of a pair, and finding the second one would be a pretty big deal in the art world. He was trying to ask Ian where he saw the other Mab statue, but Ian’s way too off his face to tell anyone anything.

Nancy calls Carson, who naturally has connections to a law firm in London that can help her out. What kind of lawyer is this man? Anyway, then she gets a visit from Jane, who tells Nancy to step off her man, because Jane and Lance are going to be married (this never comes up again). Nancy nearly cries over Lance (again) and makes a point of mentioning Ned when she has dinner with Lance. Lance smarms that, if they’re on a break, then Ned and Nancy aren’t serious — and neither are he and Jane; apparently, they’ve just kissed a few times and now Jane is “totally delusional” that Lance likes her. Nancy gets all excited that she still has a chance with him, instead of being perturbed that he’s leading Jane on. Then they go to a club and make out. Sigh.

The next day, before setting off for Cornwall, Nancy stops by to see Ian again. She notes that he has a small puncture mark on the back of his leg, which doesn’t seem self-inflicted. Hmm, has Nancy seen another tiny, pointy weapon in this book so far? She doesn’t put two and two together, though, and instead goes to the Tate Gallery to look at the Golden Mab statue. Lance escorts her around and tells her he’ll be joining her in Cornwall and Nancy is all twitterpated and I’m disgusted.

Nancy heads to Cornwall and meets up with Lisa. They exchange updates about their boyfriends — Nancy is all coy about being on a break with Ned and hooking up with Lance and I vomit a little, again, some more. For her part, Lisa says that she and Hugh haven’t been doing well since she came back to Cornwall with him; she’s been depressed and Hugh also seems upset, but he won’t tell her what about.

As soon as they arrive at the Penvellyns’ castle, they hear a scream from the courtyard and go to investigate. An elderly woman, one “Ethel Bosinny”, tells them that she was spooked by some mysterious figure that she saw while out bicycling. In the game, as you may recall, Ethel is the tutor of Linda/Lisa and Hugh’s daughter, named Jane (which, I just realized…don’t tell me Jane the snotty 12-year-old was their way of writing in Jane Royce), and is meant to be initiating Jane into the Penvellyns’ weird medieval cult shenanigans. In the book, however, Lisa and Hugh are childless, and Ethel is just a retired “games-mistress” (I guess a P.E. teacher?), who’s Lisa’s friend. She’s been helping Lisa with her depression by giving her massages (as one does?) and offering her folk remedies. Anyway, Ethel claims she had a letter for Nancy, but she lost it when her bike turned over.

The next day, Lisa shows Nancy around the castle and tells her that there’s a mysterious room that Hugh won’t let her enter. Nancy’s immediately like, “Omg, is it because the room is full of murdered ex-wives, hence the name of this book?” Then she’s like, “Eh, well, if Lisa’s husband is going to kill her, that’s not as important as making out with the guy from Towers of London.” I’m sure Lisa appreciates that.

Nancy goes to see the local police, who of course know who she is, because Nancy Drew is more famous than you. She asks “Constable Kenyon” about any plot-relevant crime that might be going on; he tells her that drugs aren’t much of a problem, although there are some rumors about sketch activity in the old abandoned mine engine house. And he did catch a “pusher” in Penzance the other day! Pushers of Penzance is my favorite Gilbert & Sullivan musical. When Nancy brings up potential witchcraft and cults thereof, however, the constable gets suspiciously tight-lipped and denies it.

A random reporter named Alan Trevor happens to be hanging around town, and he approaches Nancy to tell her that everyone knows who she is — she might pretend to be in Cornwall to investigate crime, but everyone knows she’s really here to bang Lance Warrick. Instead of using that as a cover story, Nancy loudly announces that she’s actually here to investigate drugs and witches, and how could anyone possibly think she wants to bang Lance Warrick?

Proof of how very much Nancy doesn’t care about Lance: she goes looking for the letter for her that Ethel lost; upon seeing that it’s from Lance, she’s so excited that her hands shake while opening the envelope. Nancy, your boyfriend’s legacy is going to be getting bullied by Simon Amstell in 2007, let’s calm down. Instead of a letter, though, there’s another elf-bolt. Nancy is freaked out, despite her normal “commonsensical”  outlook. Huh. I guess that is a word. Nancy wonders if one of the other band members actually sent the letter, or if someone took Lance’s letter out and replaced it with the elf-bolt.

Nancy then reads some tabloids and fumes over being referred to as one of Lance’s groupies. I mean…I’m reading your narration, Nancy, you’re not exactly convincing me that you’re not.

Nancy also overhears Hugh and Lisa arguing, and Hugh snaps at Lisa that he’s never, ever going to tell her what’s in his mysterious room nor let her go in there, and keeping this massive secret is the ONLY way their marriage will be trustworthy and happy!

Ethel swings by and, upon hearing that Lisa isn’t feeling well, offers her some homemade “herb cordial.” Nancy is suspicious that Ethel might be making Lisa sick, so she pours the cordial out. That night, she catches Lisa sleepwalking. Lisa nearly sleepwalks off the top of the castle tower but then she doesn’t. Hugh is all freaked out by her near-fall and Nancy’s like, “Omg their love is so real! I don’t think Hugh’s a serial killer after all!”

From the tower, Nancy notices the mine engine house and decides to check it out. She gasps when she enters and realizes it reeks of “incense and marihuana [sic]!” Oh no, not marihuana, a substance so foreign we don’t have a standard spelling for it yet! Nancy also notices there are needles scattered around (man, does the AIDS crisis mean nothing to our villains?) and a “magic pentacle” painted on the floor. Nancy gasps: “In this part of Cornwall, it seemed, drug use was closely allied with witchcraft!” As…as it does?

Nancy hears a musical piping nose and follows it (get it? get it???) right into a quicksand bog. She calls for help and is rescued by Alan Trevor, who’s out here for…some reason. Despite being pissy with him, she’s all twitterpated that he saved her from the bog.

The next day, she goes to see Lisa’s doctor, one “Dr. Carradine.” He’s like, “Well, normally, I wouldn’t give out a patient’s information to some rando, but you’re Nancy Drew, so why not.” He tells her that Lia hasn’t been well, but he thinks her problem is emotional rather than physical. Nancy gives him Ethel’s cordial and suggests it may be making Lisa unwell; Dr. Carradine tests it but says it’s normal.

Nancy wanders back to the castle, thinking about Lisa’s illness and her husband possibly being a murderer and a drug/witchcraft ring being run out of the castle — but “Even more depressing were the lurid news stories about her and Lance Warrick.” Heh. It’s not all about you, Nancy. She’s especially perturbed at the stories suggesting Hugh and Lisa are actually involved in a criminal ring dealing in witchcraft and/or stolen art (surely not a hint). She’s sure Jane Royce has planted all these stories and nearly cries over the thought that Lance and Jane were conspiring to use Nancy for publicity. The amount of times that tears come to Nancy’s eyes is almost Elizabeth Wakefieldian.

Lisa throws a dinner party that night and invites Ethel, Dr. Carradine, and a couple named the Roscoes. Nancy finds out the Roscoes collect art and brings up the Golden Mab, to which they act all shifty and suspicious. Nancy keeps needling the guests about art and Ian Purcell, until Mrs. Roscoe pulls her aside and hints that she might be stirring up trouble with all her nosy nosing.

Lance randomly shows up on the street one day and tries to flirt with Nancy, but she’s all mad that he’s treating her like a groupie. I know, it’s shocking; he’s so respectful of all the other women in his life. (Also, like, I’m not advocating for more Lance in this book, but it’s weird that he follows Nancy to Cornwall and then just drops out of the book for several chapters. What is he even doing while Nancy’s running around inspecting engine houses and interrogating the locals?) Nancy storms off but then almost cries again when Lance doesn’t follow her. She runs into Alan Trevor, who buys her lunch and agrees to ask the locals questions for her, since he’s from Cornwall and they might be more receptive to him.

Ethel comes over to have a seance with Nancy and the Penvellyns, which apparently she does with some regularity. Thanks for ever bringing this up before now, Lisa. Ethel goes into a trance and seems to be channeling someone being tortured for witchcraft; then she starts screaming and says she saw a devil shooting “arrows of fire” at her and Nancy. That night, Lisa sleepwalks again and nearly walks right off the cliffs, but Nancy and Hugh rescue her. Nancy sees a boat out on the water in the night and is suspicious.

The next day, Nancy goes to the library and looks up “hypnosis” and “suggestion” in the encyclopedia, which, if my memory of print encyclopedias serves me correctly, is really not going to tell her anything that she doesn’t already know, but the book needs to mention it so that we know those things are important. (Not that the book elaborates on how they’re important, since it’s trying — albeit failing — to build tension.) Then she gets a call from Alan, who wants to meet up and discuss the mystery.

Alan tells Nancy that he traced the news stories about witchcraft back to a “Fleet Street bloke”, in case you forgot we’re being British for five seconds. Apparently, the rumors have been floating around for years, going back to when Hugh’s uncle was the lord of the castle. Alan dug further and found out that one of the Penvellyns — Phoebe Penvellyn — was accused of being a witch and was tortured into confessing and giving up several other local names. Nancy wonders if that’s what she heard Ethel channeling during the seance. Then she asks Alan if he’s any good at boating, and Alan’s like, “All the great English sea dogs were West Countrymen!” I mean, and you’re not one of them, Alan. You’re a reporter for the Sun or some shit.

Under Alan’s somewhat sketchy credentials, Alan and Nancy set sail. Nancy helpfully says she saw the suspicious boat going “in that direction”, and lo and behold, they trip over a cave that has a bunch of junk from an old shipwreck. The ship was called the Undine and I cackle because I actually read that story relatively recently. I got that reference!

Nancy calls Carson’s lawyer friends, whom the book unnecessarily describe as “having offices at Lincoln’s Inn, one of London’s famous Inns of Court.” Man, who cares? This book is actually pretty short (although it certainly doesn’t feel that way), so maybe they were just trying to pad the word count. Anyway, they’re thrilled to help the daughter of “such a distinguished American colleague.” Seriously? Carson? Whatever. Nancy asks them to look into records of the Undine wreck.

Alan picks Nancy up for their date, which is to a Crowned Heads concert. Nancy is weirded out, but he says he has a reason for it. Nancy wibbles the entire car ride over that Alan must be using her just like Lance did — and yet, she still kind of wants to be with Lance tonight! Nancy, you’re embarrassing yourself. Lance sees Alan and Nancy on his way to the stage and nearly gets into fisticuffs with Alan, but then he doesn’t; Alan offers to leave but Nancy says they can stay, to which Alan replies “Good girl!” Why is this book so WEIRD? Anyway, after all that, Alan reveals he took Nancy to the concert because he wanted to see how she felt about Lance in person. Oh. I thought maybe this was going to be in some way, any way, connected to the mystery that this book is supposed to be about. That was asking for too much, wasn’t it? Alan says the concert didn’t help him figure out who Nancy likes better, so this was entirely pointless. Doesn’t stop them from making out, though.

The next day, Carson’s lawyer friends call Nancy and tell her that the Undine was lost in 1702 — it was carrying a mysterious unearthed figurine to Cambridge for study, but of course was lost before arriving. The entire ship went down, except for one passenger: “a young American girl named Phoebe Harwood.” Nancy is blown away, as you’ll recall that Harwood is Lisa’s maiden name. (Sidebar: American as a demonym does date back to before the US was a country, referring to both Native Americans and Europeans living in colonial America, although tbh, I don’t trust this book to have actually known that.)

Nancy and Alan head back out to the sea cave; they discover a hidden passage but the tide is too high to explore further. They decide to come back the next morning. Must we drag this out? Can this book not be over already? Anyway, Nancy runs out to get some scuba gear and sees Mrs. Roscoe out and about. Mrs. Roscoe acts shifty and nosy about what Nancy’s up to.

The next morning, though, Alan fails to show up. Nancy decides to go to the cave herself, but before she can leave, she runs into Lance (and Jane). Lance immediately volunteers to come with Nancy; when Jane protests being ditched (“What am I to do?”), Lance snarks, “You really want a suggestion?” Nancy’s all smug because she thinks that’s hot and not indicative of how Lance will treat her once he loses interest in her. Honestly, Lance being an ass aside, Nancy’s just bizarrely mean in this book. Like, she can be sorta insensitively pitying or patronizing over other people’s misfortune, but it seems out of character for her to be this smug over it.

Anyway, Lance and Nancy explore the passageway and figure it leads under Penvellyn Castle. Nancy starts musing that, in order to lure her into the bog the other night, the culprit would’ve had to lure her to the castle tower so that Nancy could see and be intrigued by the engine house — ergo, perhaps Lisa was “programmed” to sleepwalk up there so Nancy would follow her? And who do they know who has been hanging around Lisa, suggesting things to her while doing seances/giving her massages? I mean, fair enough, but I don’t know how Nancy got on this train of thought.

Nancy and Lance follow the secret passage to the Bluebeard Room, which is full of various witch paraphernalia, along with the second Golden Mab statue — for that was of course the figurine the Undine was carrying. I’m not totally sure how the Mab figures into this, apart from it being a clue that leads Nancy to the Undine? Nobody’s trying to sell or steal it or anything, it’s just…there. Anyway, also in the room is the devil statue(?) that Ethel saw in her vision, and a portrait of Phoebe Penvellyn née Harwood who also looks identical to Lisa because they’re distantly related because why not. The room is also full of marihuana and cocaine because the witch coven still exists — as Nancy explains to Lance, they’re now basically a drug ring instead of actually doing witchcraft. Ian Purcell was recruited into the coven (somehow?) which was how he saw the Golden Mab, and also apparently how he got hooked on drugs. Because being in a band in the ’80s didn’t do it, I guess.

Our villains — the Roscoes, Ethel, Dr. Carradine (rude!), and Bobo Evans (who’s another member of the Crowned Heads who I didn’t bother naming because I really don’t care about him) — reveal themselves and hold Nancy and Lance at gunpoint. Undeterred, Nancy is having a grand old time explaining how she busted them, when she suddenly remembers: “Oh no! Did you people stop Alan Trevor from showing up at the harbor?” Hee. Love yourself, Alan.

Hugh randomly decides to come into the room at that very moment (oddly, the book calls the room “the Bluebeard Room” despite no one actually naming it such) and clutches his pearls that they’re using his castle for drugs and witchcraft. They hold him at gunpoint, too, but then Alan shows up, having escaped from wherever they were holding him. He saves the day and Nancy kisses both him and Lance on the cheek. Whatever.

Hugh tells Nancy and Lisa that his uncle had been part of the witch coven and had told Hugh everything, though he kept the other members of the coven a secret. Hugh agreed not to take any action as long as the coven pinky-swore not to smuggle any more drugs. But clearly they lied! They started threatening Hugh to let them carry on; with all that going on, Hugh apparently decided it was a great time for him to get married and give the coven more leverage over him. Sure. Apparently, he had already fallen in love with Phoebe Penvellyn’s portrait(???), which is why he immediately fell for Lisa, since she looks just like Phoebe. What? Hugh, that’s your (great-great-great-great-great) grandmother. (For that matter, doesn’t that make Lisa related to him too, albeit distantly? Insert British inbreeding joke of your choice here.)

Anyway, Ethel was apparently the mastermind of the coven: she was the one who slipped the elf-bolts into Lisa and Nancy’s letters; she and the other coven members spread rumors that Lisa was Phoebe Penvellyn reincarnated, hence why all the locals wouldn’t talk to her; she was putting stuff in the cordial to make Lisa sick and Dr. Carradine covered it up; she was semi-hypnotizing Lisa through talking to her while massaging her/giving her folk medicine; she nearly drowned Ian Purcell when he tried to leave the coven, hence his brain basically being broken from trauma at the start of the book; she also tipped off Bobo Evans that Nancy was coming to the UK, so he sent her the Crowned Heads’ tickets and planted the coke on her. I mean. Sure. I guess if there’s one thing this book gets right over the game, it’s that Ethel is super creepy and we should be able to arrest her at the end.

With the mystery solved, Nancy spends the rest of the week fucking around Cornwall, then flies back to River Heights. Both Alan and Lance trail after her to the airport and Lance whines that she never told which of them she liked best. Nancy giggles that it’s a mystery she still hasn’t solved yet, then gets on the plane to hopefully never see either of them again. Heh. Get fucked, you two.

Anyway. I’m too sick of this book to wrap it up here at the end; suffice to say, I am no longer surprised by how much I hate the game because its source material sucks hard. Also, interestingly, the next book chronologically is The Phantom of Venice! But it’s going to take a while for us to get there yet.