Previously on The Story of What Happens When Your Children Don’t Have Enough Distractions in Their Lives: Wally Hatford tricked Caroline Malloy into going into a cellar in search of nonexistent abaguchie bones. Then the Hatfords attempted to catch the abaguchie in order to impress everyone with their badassery and convince their BFFs the Bensons to come back to Buckman (once again ignoring silly details like them actually having no control over what the Bensons do). However, they only succeeding in catching Caroline. Then the girls floated a refrigerator crate down the river, and their father ate a worm at Thanksgiving dinner. However, as full of hijinks as that last book was, it cannot hold a candle to The Girls’ Revenge. The fact that it’s intended for grade schoolers aside, this book is flawless. The plot is centered almost entirely around Caroline and Wally, with only a few appearances by the other, more boring characters. There’s also attempted murder. Good fun for the whole family!
Also, the cover: I would’ve had a crush on Wally when I was nine. Look at that jawline! Caroline looks quite cute as well, and hipsters everywhere are craving her sweater. The way they’re holding the presents behind their backs starts looking weird once you stare at the cover too long, but whatever. Shall we?
This is the first book in the series I ever read (keeping in my tradition of never managing to actually start a series at the first book). It also marks a stylistic change for the series! The text is smaller, and weird spellings like “Spookie” and “Yea” make no more appearances. There’s also a mention of email. Basically, this is the point where the books’ setting becomes semi-contemporary. So that’s nice.
So, Christmastime in Buckman! Caroline Malloy has just had a wonderful, awful idea. “It was the kind of thought that made her lips curl up at the corners.” This is what Caroline looks like right now:
(I wouldn’t be surprised if Caroline borrowed some of her facial expressions from the Grinch, actually.)
You’ll be absolutely shocked, I’m sure, to find out that this wonderful, awful idea involves the Hatfords — Wally, specifically. Caroline rushes off to tell her sisters her idea, because, as Phyllis Reynolds Naylor puts it, “Caroline loved an audience more than she loved chocolate cream pie.” That’s pretty serious. When the girls are gathered, Caroline reveals her insidious master plan: they’ll give the Hatfords Christmas presents! Gross Christmas presents! Dead squirrels in boxes! It’s genius.
However, Eddie and Beth don’t seem to think so: “These pranks are getting a little stale, aren’t they?” asks Eddie. Eddie! This is only the fourth book! You can’t be getting bored already! Beth adds that it’s Christmas. Jesus wouldn’t give the Hatfords gross presents! Eddie babbles on about how she needs to focus on getting onto the softball team, just to remind us that she’s the tomboy of the family. They shoo Caroline away, and she stomps off in a huff. Well, fine! She decides that she can still prank Wally on her own, because she hates him, particularly his “stupid neck” and “stupid ears”, which she has to stare at every day, as he sits in front of her in school. Fair enough.
Of course, Wally knows that Caroline hates him, and hates her right back. So Caroline has to be extra-super-special nice to Wally in the weeks leading up to Christmas, lest he cotton on to her dastardly plan. She starts by complimenting his hideous sweater in class the next day. Wally, dumbfounded, says, “It used to be Jake’s.” Ah, the pitfalls of being a younger sibling.
Wally. We get a brief rundown on each of the girls’ personalities, as always: Eddie is “the Womper”, so called because she’s really good at baseball. Beth is “the Weirdo” because she reads scary books. (She’s also unbelievably boring.) Caroline is “the Crazie” because…she’s crazy. Wally himself is not crazy; he prefers life to be as boring as possible. (Beth/Wally OTP?)
Sadly for Wally, he is the protagonist of a book series, therefore his life is required to be full of wacky hijinks. The next day, Caroline compliments him on his pen, which has multiple colors of ink. I totally had one of those in the fourth grade. It was pink, had nine colors, and worked exactly three times. It was awesome.
Anyway, their teacher, Mrs. Applebaum has a project for them! She mentions that they’re to work in partners, and Caroline immediately chooses Wally. Mrs. Applebaum is like, “O…kay…?” and I think it’s partly her fault for not asking if Wally even wants to work with Caroline, or at least telling Caroline that they’ll choose partners after she’s done talking. But whatever. The assignment! Wally and Caroline have to interview each other, asking about how each of them goes about their daily lives. Then they must try to live as each other and give a report saying how it feels to be the other person. This will end well. Not to mention, what a weird project. I mean, what subject is this for? Does the school ever get annoyed with Mrs. Applebaum for making students do this instead of like, math? (Wally, hilariously, wonders if Mrs. Applebaum went to “Torture School” to learn these assignments, or if she “thinks them all up by herself in the dead of the night.”)
Oh, and then the whole class teases Wally about having a giiiirlfriend. Oh, fourth grade. Also, he name-drops a couple of boys in class (“Bill Thompkins” and “Bobby Lister” and “John Meese”, which are the most small town ’50s names ever) which I guess is Phyllis Reynolds Naylor’s attempt at convincing the reader that the Hatfords have other friends. After school, Wally bitches about the December project to his brothers. “You have to wear her clothes and everything?” asks Peter. No, but thanks for the foreshadowing! Josh and Jake, eleven-year-old criminal masterminds, point out that Wally can just tell Caroline that he likes to eat gross foods and go to sleep at 6 PM and she’ll have to do it. Wally contemplates and has a “wonderful, terrible” thought. A callback to the first chapter of the book! That line was the Chekhov’s Gun of novel, clearly.
Caroline. She tells her family that she’s doing the December project with Wally Hatford. Mrs. Malloy is like, “The Hatfords are such nice people, dear” and Eddie gags. Beth, though, merely opines that Josh is in fact quite a friendly dude and a rather talented artist. Eddie’s like, “All he ever draws is airplanes” because…good art doesn’t involve Boeings? Beth maintains that she likes Josh’s art. Foreshadowing!
Also, Eddie wants to go into sports medicine when she gets older because she’s good at science. This vaguely has something to do with the next few books, but eh, who cares.
Caroline writes out her questions for Wally. They’re all rather basic, about what kinds of food he likes to eat, what time he goes to sleep, etc. She’s being so nice to Wally, he’ll just have to open her present! She even picked him to be her partner against his will! They’re practically BFFs! Then she decides that, you know what would make her project even better? If she dressed up in Wally’s clothes! Lord. When I was nine, I sure as hell didn’t want to wear my boy classmates’ sweaty T-shirts and pants, but whatever. Caroline is a braver soul than I, to be sure. But how will she get Wally’s clothes?
If you guessed “use Peter, like they do in every book” then you are correct. Even worse, she bribes him with a model double-decker bus. Of all things. Peter should’ve at least held out for a year’s supply of cookies.
Wally is also making up his list of questions to ask Caroline. “The problem was, he was finding out more about her than he wanted to know.” Ha! His questions are at least less boring than Caroline’s — he wants to know which she hates more, going to the dentist or throwing up. (Going to the dentist, in my opinion.) Wally catches Peter stealing his clothes. Peter lies badly, as always. Why anyone trusts him to do anything is beyond me. Wally brushes it off, figuring Peter is just being weird. If only you knew, Wallace. Then he waxes nostalgic about how much he misses the Bensons. Again. “If the Bensons lived here now, Wally Hatford wouldn’t be…thinking up questions to ask a girl.” The horror! Whatever, Wally.
And then the Bensons call and the Hatfords rush to go talk to them. It’s kind of funny/sad how the Bensons are being completely normal and well-adjusted down in Georgia while the Hatfords pine away for them.
Tony Benson sets one of the book’s plots in motion by mentioning that the Hatfords should find a way to spy on the Malloys. Dude, Tony. That’s kind of gross. He is my least favorite Benson brother, just so y’all know. The Hatfords decide to claim “squatters’ rights” and hold “club meetings” in the Malloys’ loft, which look directly at the upstairs windows. THIS IS SO CREEPY. Like. What do they think they’re even going to see? Ew. Jake suggests that the Bensons send something “official-looking” to prove that the Hatfords can go up there, and Bill promises to type it up and send it “by e-mail.” Aw yeah, 1998. I bet he uses Netscape and Microsoft Outlook.
Then the Hatfords talk about how much they miss the Bensons some more. I am officially creeped out by this.
Caroline has managed to get her sticky paws on one of Wally’s shirts. “Of course, she had to wash it first. It smelled like sweat and peanut butter.” What did I tell you? Mrs. Hatford and Mrs. Malloy bring home some angel-print wrapping paper and Mr. Malloy needs to buy a present for his secretary, both of which will be important later. Then Caroline bikes off to interview Wally at the library. Wally is predictably a jerk (God love him) and tells Caroline his favorite book is The History of Military Strategy in the United States in the Eighteenth Century. (“Wally, you’ve never read a book like that in your life!” “I love military strategy.” Wally, you are forever my favorite.)
The boys come over and Mr. Malloy gives them permission to hold “club meetings” in the garage. They chortle all the way home, except for Josh, who muses that Beth is nicer than Eddie and Caroline. (And by nicer, he means criminally boring, right?) “She’s prettier, too!” chirps Peter.
Shut up, Peter.
Mrs. Hatford reveals that Caroline has stopped by and ruined Wally’s plans by asking his mother what he likes to do. “Is that girl sweet on you or something?” Mrs. Hatford asks. No, but what an interesting question! Wally lets out a “long tortured cry.” Now Caroline will get to eat pizza too! The humanity!
Report Day. Wally gets up and looks for his favorite pair of pants, but can’t find them! I wonder where they are? His sneakers with the “purple laces” are also missing. SUSPICIOUS. He volunteers to give his report on Caroline first and sums it up as, “What was it like to be Caroline Malloy for a day? Actually, rather boring.” Hee. Mrs. Applebaum is basically like, “Eh, you tried.” Wally doesn’t care and is like, “Whatever, flunk me.” God love him.
And then Caroline walks in wearing Wally’s clothes. YES. This part is amazing. “What it feels like to be Wally Hatford,” Caroline begins. And then she reveals that she is wearing Wally’s underwear. Er. I love you Caroline, but…ew. I can’t. Caroline begins her report by lovingly detailing all the various ways that “Wallace James Hatford” is a liar. She makes it all the way to Wally’s favorite book (The Bodies in Bessledorf Hotel, which is totally a book I would read) before Mrs. Applebaum cuts her off. “Class, these two reports are the finest examples of I know of how not to conduct an interview.” Which is true, but also…it’s kind of rude of Mrs. Applebaum to call them out in front of the entire class, isn’t it? And then she tells everyone that Wally and Caroline have failed. Again: kind of unprofessional. I’m not sure how Mrs. Applebaum is holding on to her teaching license. (You may make a tenure joke here if you wish.)
Caroline cries, then swears vengeance on Wally. Because he made her get up there wearing his underwear, obviously. Beth and Eddie agree to help her. After all, this book isn’t called The Girl’s Revenge (that was a grammar joke! Oh, I slay myself.)
Hatfords in the Malloy loft. They reminisce some more on all the good times they had with the Bensons, because apparently they have no other friends. How embarrassing. Anyway, the purpose for this meeting is as follows: beat up (emotionally) the seven year old kid for giving Wally’s underwear to Caroline. Now, you guys know I don’t like Peter, but really, he’s seven. Even if he is monumentally dumb, the Hatfords don’t have to guilt trip him the way they do. Anyway. The girls come home a bit late from school, as anyone is wont to do, and the boys mumblegrumble to each other that they were probably up to something. Instead of like, doing homework in the library. The Hatfords are so ridiculous. They don’t deserve to win this ~war.
Caroline gives back Wally’s underpants with a smiley face painted on the butt. I love her.
Peter at the Malloys. He should just move in with them already. He tells them about the Explorers’ Club and Eddie scoffs. “If they’re explorers, I’m a fruit fly.” I still sometimes use that expression. Yet another thing I picked up from these books. Damn, I was an impressionable kid. Anyway. The girls ask Peter to make cookies with them and then make the Hatfords think he’s lost. It’s just as exciting as it sounds. (And by that, I mean “not at all.”)
Mrs. Malloy tells Caroline that she has to go talk to Mrs. Applebaum and Caroline agrees.
The next day, the girls decide to poke around in the boys’ ~clubhouse. They find the boys’ binoculars. OMINOUS.
Hatfords. “How can you have possibly written a report so terrible that you failed the whole project?” asks Mr. Hatford. I’m kind of wondering the same thing. Surely they should’ve gotten at least a D for completing it. Hilariously, Wally mentions that Mrs. Applebaum thinks that he and Caroline hate each other and Mrs. Hatford is all scandalized, “What would make her think such a terrible thing?” And Peter’s like, “‘Cause they steal each other’s clothes.” Hee.
Mr. Hatford brings up the possibility that Wally is afraid of Caroline, because that is the best way to make middle school boys do anything. With his masculinity now called into question, Wally agrees to go talk to Mrs. Applebaum.
The next day, Wally stomps into school wearing a sweatshirt that says I Eat Nails, presumably to intimidate his 40-year-old teacher. Indeed. Caroline is already there, though, and Mrs. Applebaum tells them that they can decide how to make up their extra credit together. They almost smile at each other and Wally goes home and tells his brothers, “She’s not completely crazy.” They’re almost BFFs, guys! Of course, this is like the same thing that happened at the end of last book, so I don’t expect it to last.
“Why don’t we hold a club meeting?” Jake suggests. I should add that it’s nighttime at this point. He probably wants to spy on Beth changing or something. Sixth grade boys are gross. However, they get up to the loft and instead of witnessing…whatever they thought they were going to see, they see Caroline hit Beth over the head with a hammer. They are shocked, shocked by this development! I’m sort of confused. Not that ~murder~ isn’t shocking, but…were they just going to sit there and watch Beth read a book for hours or something?
The girls, a few hours earlier. Eddie notices the boys coming up the bridge and suggests “giving them something to talk about.” Oh, Eddie. So Beth and Caroline go to Beth’s room and angrily yell the words to “Jingle Bells” at each other. At the end of the first verse, Caroline pretends to hit Beth on the head with a hammer, and Eddie turns the light out. That last detail is important.
And then the police come. Obviously, the call was made by the boys, who don’t realize until too late that the light went out even though neither Beth nor Caroline were anywhere near the switch. Oh, Hatfords. Mr. Hatford yells at them and the boys try to defend themselves. “We just did like you said! We got involved! We reported a crime!” “So you saw it in detail,” Mrs. Hatford says. OH SNAP. The boys sort of hem and haw but their parents totally figure out that they were spying on Beth Malloy’s bedroom. “That is disgusting!” says Mrs. Hatford. MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. The Hatford parents forbid the boys from going over to the Malloys’ garage. Which is nice and all, but really, they can’t possibly think that’s going to stop them.
Malloys. Eddie has a plan to trap the boys in the garage. Even Caroline is getting kind of tired of pranking the boys at this point. You and me both, Caroline. I’m almost at 3000 words. This book better end soon. Beth muses that the boys are cute. “Josh is, anyway. And Peter.” The two most boring brothers! She would. Caroline asks her mother why her sisters are being so weird. “Maybe just growing up?” says Mrs. Malloy. “Whatever” is Caroline’s eloquent rebuttal.
The boys throw snowballs at the girls and Eddie shoves a snowball in Jake’s mouth in vengeance. There is probably some really perverse fanfic written about these two. Somewhere.
A few days later, Mrs. Malloy invites the Hatfords over. The girls play a prank on the boys involving hot chocolate and the boys pretend not to notice and it is just as interesting as it sounds. Mr. Malloy plays a “prank” of his own and all the adults chortle, except for the fact that it’s not funny at all.
The Hatford boys beg the Bensons to move back. Again.
The boys go up to the garage to retrieve the binoculars and Eddie decides to trap them in the loft by painting the ladder rungs. The plan goes awry, however, when the boys come down the ladder anyway and get paint all over their clothes. Cleaning bills galore! I suppose Gojo hasn’t been invented yet. The girls panic, thinking the boys will make them pay for new clothes. Because…blue jeans are so expensive? Then Mr. Malloy comes home and apparently he leans on ladders in his free time (or something) because there’s paint all over his $175 sport coat. He buys a new one and makes the girls pay for it. Er…okay? I’m not sure why he needs to wear a $175 jacket to sports meetings, but whatever. (I wasn’t aware that they even sold $175 sport jackets.) Anyway, this is important because the girls will still be trying to pay off the coat in like, five books. The Malloys lecture the girls for painting the garage. What? They painted the rungs of the ladder, and not even all of them. This plot is so stupid.
The girls have to walk around town putting up signs advertising their services. The Hatfords laugh at them, as they are wont to do. And Caroline finds her Christmas present for Wally (cat vomit, if you were wondering. Merry Christmas!)
Wally, who is feeling particularly bitter, also has a present for Caroline: his underpants (with a little note saying, Since you liked them so much, you can have them. Hee!) as vengeance for her wearing them. “Was there any boy in Buckman who would like to have his underpants displayed in public by a girl who was wearing them?” Dude, Wally, ask that question again in five years. He wraps the box in the wrapping paper that Mrs. Hatford brought home so many chapters ago. He sets it aside, but alas! He can’t find it the next day! “Who’s it for?” Mrs. Hatford asks. Wally lies and says it’s for Mrs. Applebaum. This will be important later.
Caroline gives Wally her present in class. And then! On the way home, Mrs. Hatford cheerily tells Wally that she gave his present to Mrs. Applebaum for him, “so you don’t have to worry about it anymore!” Little does she know that the present is underpants for Caroline! And Mrs. Applebaum has already left the school! Oh, the hijinks.
Mrs. Malloy bought a box for love letters for Mr. Malloy’s secretary and wrapped it in the same paper Caroline used for her cat vomit present. I think you can see where this is going. Wally returns Caroline’s Christmas present, but not because it’s cat vomit (he’s okay with cat vomit), but because it’s a box for love letters! “Yuuuck!”, as he so succinctly puts it. Caroline races to the secretary’s house on Christmas Eve to explain the mistake. The secretary is vaguely amused by it all and promises not to mention it to Mr. Malloy. So all’s well that ends well! Unless you’re Wally and gave your teacher your underpants for Christmas.
Wally. He can’t enjoy Christmas, even though he receives a book about vampire bats. What? How can you not love a book about vampire bats? But alas, he is stricken with terror, knowing that Mrs. Applebaum will be opening his charming gift of worn-by-two-people underwear. Oh, and he thinks Caroline is in love with him, which is apparently a fate worse than death.
And then he goes to the bookstore and runs into Caroline. She tells him that she didn’t mean to give him a box of love letters. “What did you mean to give me?” “Cat vomit.” Hee. He tells her that he gave Mrs. Applebaum his underpants. They have a hearty chuckle together and Caroline offers to get Wally’s underwear back for him. ILU Caroline.
A few weeks after Christmas. Life is back to normal, although Wally and Caroline hate each other slightly less now. We are almost to the end of the book, and I’m glad, because my fingers hurt. It snows! The girls are excited for exactly five minutes, and then Mr. Malloy tells them that they can go shovel people’s driveways and earn some money. I feel like, maybe, just maybe, Mr. Malloy shouldn’t be relying on his middle school daughters to pony up $175. The boys offer to help the girls and even let them keep all the money, in one of the shows of solidarity that ends all of these books (before they go back to hating each other).
And then the boys go home to see Mrs. Benson going into their house. You see, she’s here because someone has been telling her sons that that Malloys have been remodeling the house and committing homicide in the upstairs bedroom and baking cookies without a license. “I guess I exaggerate a little,” Wally says. Really.
The boys go up to their room and muse. “What happens if the Bensons don’t come back?” Jake frets, because apparently he has no other friends in the entire town. “What if they do?” panics Josh, who has a ~crush~ on Beth. Jake insists he wants the girls to leave and all the other boys say that they’re not so bad, even Wally, because he is BFF with Caroline now. “Maybe we can have both,” Wally says. “Not likely,” says Jake. OMINOUS.
The boys send a note asking the girls if they’re staying in Buckman. The girls send a note back saying that they’re not going to tell them and also, they stole the boys’ shovels.
THE END.
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